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I haven't forgotten about you all here. The week has been very long and stressful. I have checked in to read posts to keep me on track just haven't had the mental energy at the end of the day to write. There have been alot of ups and downs this week with my AH. Last week I posted about testing my boundaries for the first time. He did respect my wishes and stayed away for the 2 days that I asked but I found it very hard to not worry about him and keep myself in "me" mode. Of course when he returned, it was my fault he went on a binge as is the usual scenario. He was home for the next night but then the following night, I let loose and told him exactly what was on my mind and I probably didn't follow program too well I'm guessing. I noticed I was again taking his using as a personal attack on me, did the pointing fingers game, and hit him where it hurts him most (not seeing his son for 8 years now). Well, needless to say, he couldn't handle the truth because HE isn't ready to yet and he ran and didn't return until the next night after work. That night seemed to go much better. We talked alot and listened to eachother and he told me he called the counsellor back and is going to start seeing him again and going back to his group because he knows if he doesn't keep these things in place he will fall. So once again, I have my hopes up but each time we take the dip on this "ride" I feel my walls getting higher and higher. Well lastnight he went out for a meeting with a fellow contractor and they drank 3 bottles of homemade wine (they are both Italian) and he apparently was hammered so he claims he went to a motel for a few hours to sleep it off so I wouldn't be mad. He came in at 5am and I really kept my composure. I went about my day, taking care of me then the texts start...he wants to argue about everything under the sun and everything is negative. I tried my best to not fall into the trap but he just kept on and on and finally I blew my top. So hard when he makes comments like "give me a reason to come home" "or what's for dinner, nothing, oh another reason to not come home". My reply to that now is "give me a reason to WANT you to come home". This seemed to go on for hours until I finally grabbed a brain and decided to just turn cell off. He came home and was pleasant and what appeared to be in a good mood. Sometimes I think he has a personality disorder, I swear. His mood swings are crazy sometimes. I told him I'm getting real tired of him doing his "thing" then being mad at himself but taking it out on me! He starts back to group tomorrow so I guess we will see what this week holds. I do notice though for the most part I am focusing more on me and the kids and not "waiting" around for him. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong in their situations. I really do take strength from all of your posts.
give me a reason to come home" "or what's for dinner, nothing, oh another reason to not come home - goodness how this rings home! My ESH is, I decided not to play anymore. Him behaving badly, treating me badly, then acting like he's got the RIGHT to expect to be coaxed into coming home? What's does he want, you to bend over backwards to entice the babya** into gracing you with his presence?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
nothing wrong with getting things off your chest and speaking honestly- dont forget though they dont do it dliberately- its a genuine sickness- i think personality disorders are very common in A's. more common than is officially rcognised and AA is centred around the alcohol......my mum has been sober for 20 plus years but its still agro...but just withut the drunk tantrums and turmoil.....then i realised they turn to alcohol because their own moods and insecuritys get too much.
personality disordered people never let yu get on an even keel- its up and down. in and out f favour. they see faults when they get negtative.
there are also different classifications of it- borderline- narcissitc. google personality disorders and it comes up. CBT is good for it- as it changes their belief system.
they get belief system all wrong...they are also very fixed and totally unflexible. and this causes problems when things dont turn out how they plan or had it in their head.
poor impulse control is a biggey- its act now.....repent late, time and time and time again.
give me a reason to come home" "or what's for dinner, nothing, oh another reason to not come home - goodness how this rings home! My ESH is, I decided not to play anymore. Him behaving badly, treating me badly, then acting like he's got the RIGHT to expect to be coaxed into coming home? What's does he want, you to bend over backwards to entice the babya** into gracing you with his presence?
yep- this is classic example of the wrong belief system- if you dont mind me using this as an example.
the same pattern gets repeated as this man get it fixed in his head as he has the right to coaxed him...and its his partners duty to.
its hard work over turning these belief systems round and i dont believe it should be a family mmbers job- but a qualified therapists job.
but if yoou keep repeating your views- and youll know exactly whats amiss- then it sinks in if they are receptive and coming out of the sickness (sober)
if they are still drunk then they hav no hope of changing the belief system- AA and sobriety comes first....therapy later.
rosies little pychotherapy lecture over.....lol
sorry....its because ive been on the receiving end of it for too many years and when its yur mum you cant so easily detach- you are hotwired in even more to those responses and duties.
It always feels like he thinks he is superior to me in some way. I know this is a mask for how he truly feels. He had nothing when I got back together with him. I have a home, my vehicle all paid, my children in my life, etc... but it still hurts when he does whatever he can to knock me down to his level. So I have this argument with myself everyday... " everyone validates that you are a good person, a great mother, and a great wife BUT if thats the truth how does he find so many flaws with me?" I know this is the part of the alcoholism that has made me sick. This is the part where I need to learn to detach and believe in myself NO MATTER what he says.
Well he went to his group today and then to work. Got home about 5pm went and showered and then let me know he was going out to a stag. First red flag, he had to walk away from house to call a cab (obviously because he didnt want me to hear where it was bringing him to) then I check the account and see he went to the liquor store and debited $244.00. Who buys booze for a stag when it's being held at a bar??? So I text him and asked him to send me a picture of where he is and of course as usual, his phone is turned off! I am so frustrated right now. Becoming more and more obvious that he doesn't really want this relationship regardless of the fact that he says he does. Actions truly do speak louder than words.
I apologize for asking this if you have already answered, are you going to face to face meetings? It really does make a difference.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
. So I have this argument with myself everyday... " everyone validates that you are a good person, a great mother, and a great wife BUT if thats the truth how does he find so many flaws with me?" I know this is the part of the alcoholism that has made me sick. This is the part where I need to learn to detach and believe in myself NO MATTER what he says.
Dear Jonesy,
You are absolutely correct. Using program tools, writing an asset and gratitude list each day helped me to truly know and accept my assets (what everyone could see but me) build a firm foundation for my honest self esteem (not pride) and then nothing anyone said could hurt me.
The ex A found nothing but flaws with me. He railed on and on about me while rome burned on his part. He destroyed his job, his health, his credit, his income, his home, his life. Meantime I was building mine on al anon.
I've been there and done that with the being gone all the time. The ex A had his drug use/alcoholism all tied in with his work. He'd be gone supposedly at work till 2:00 a.m regularly. A friend gently pointed out that people don't as a rule work that long day in day out. He was out using of course. He lead a life of hiding, lies and deceit and part of it all was my complying with it. When I confronted him of course he'd fly into a rage.
Detaching can be such hard work. Sometimes I had to do it a minute at a time. I also think when dealing with a full blow alcoholic its like lifting a 300 lb weight straight into a gymn. No one can do that. I had to start small. Detach for a minute at a time. Many of us detach in anger in the begining. The important thing is we practice. After a while the practice gets easier but its no one easy slide into that particular tool.
So funny you should say that Maresie... he came home earlier today after being gone for 2 days and wow the negativity he brought with him. Can you believe the first thing he had to say was "who was eating my salami and cheese?" OMG! seriously??? He went on and on for about an hour trying to blame me for everything and anything. Difference today was for the 1st time, his words didn't affect me in the least. I know where they are coming from. He messed up and he knows it. While he was off "shutting down", home was still going on... house is taken care of, kids are taken care of, everything was still as it always is and that pissed him off even more that he didn't drag me down with him. He says I'm an alcoholic and I agree, just not in the same way. My "substances" are my low self-esteem, my insecurities, and my mistrust in others". Also told him, I did not choose these for myself, through life's experiences of being surrounded by A's it has taught me to be this way. He just text me and said "if you think your one, then lets go to a meeting" HAHA! That's pretty funny because I've offered to go with him to how many over the last year and he has never went. So I told him "I have no problem going, just find me a babysitter" Funny, Ive gotten no reply since. Hmmm.
