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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Long conversation with Ex-A
Post Info TOPIC: Long conversation with Ex-A
pinkchip


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Long conversation with Ex-A
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It has been 3 years since we split up.  Ironically 1 week away from 3 years sober for me cuz my first day sober was the day we split.  So anyhow, I talked to my ex for like an hour and a half.  He is the type of alcoholic that typically finds another alcoholic or addict that drinks or drugs worse than him and then that makes it so he doesn't have to look at himself, he doesn't ever have to be alone, and doesn't have to change. Evidently, he has been dating a serious serious drug addict who stole his debit card and drained his bank account.  This was like the 3rd or 4th time this happened too.  Also ironically - i suggested he go to Alanon and he said he has God in his life and that's enough. 

I do believe the real issue at hand is his own drinking and no Alanon is going to work for him unless he has a sober frame of reference.   He said he'd gone to an AA meeting a month or so ago and I had some hope for him.  But I could hear him toking weed and he sounded kinda drunk when talking to him.  He seemed to enjoy catching up with me and to a degree, it was good to talk to him (cuz I am detached).  I should not have been surpised that his values seemed to have shifted to allow things in his life that I never would have thought he would think were okay (despite saying how he's all "saved" and what not he is associating with all kinds of low lifes, engaging in really strange sex practices, getting odd body modifications..)  This should not be surprising because addiction is progressive. 

 Nonetheless, when he suggested meeting up for coffee, I found I couldn't just be like "Um no...this is enough communication for me" even though I definitely felt like he is too much of a trainwreck to let back in my life in a substantial way.  I was like "okay...sure" while thinking I would make an excuse to not meet up with him if it ever came about.  That was lame of me.

So...In sum, I am glad to be a double winner because it would appear that the only other option for a person like me or my ex is to be a double loser.



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RLC


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pinkclip,

Awareness and comintment.....Your last sentence said it all.

In Support,
RLC

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Pushka


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Hugs Pinkchip,

We all do the best that we can do in any given moment.

You work a very strong program.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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mark I am still very humbled by your staying with us and sharing. You are a winner. I am also happy you are on your program!

You always come up with a unique side to things I need to see.

Hugs! debilyn



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likemyheart


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So - did you find a good way to not meet for coffee?

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
rosielee


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a phone chat is one thing...starting to meet up again is too much for you i think. would be for me anyways.... i havent seen my ex for 15 years, and if he can this way- id go that way. even if he was clean now- it would be too late for me

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rosie
pinkchip


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I agree Rosielee. Besides, the whole conversation was about him. I guess the most validating thing was hearing "How'd you get so smart?"....sort of in relation to his having the same set of problems 3 years later and my life being so different. I didn't get smarter but I did start living smarter because of the 12 steps and people in recovery.

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maresie


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I think that many of us have multiple issues.  I have a background of growing up with mentally ill parents, my own issues plsu al anon.  I don't think about being a loser anymore.  I know now that my experience can benefit others. 

I am aware its very very difficult to watch people doing self destructive acts and to try to get them to change. Sometimes our only way is by example.  They have to as one sponsor said to me "want what you have".

I set a lot of limits on interactions with people who are self destructing, not because I'm not interested, I am.  I just have limits on how much I can hear these days.

I'm glad you are here.

I know you are on a path to recovery.  If your ex A does not join you its not your responsibility its his.

maresie.



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maresie
Mattie


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That's such a great point about "living smarter."  It links up with the saying "Do the next right thing."  Those next right things add up to living smarter.  It sounds as if you did the next right thing in choosing not to go further in reconnecting with your ex, and the difference between your current life and his really emphasizes how many right things you've chosen along the way.  It's inspirational to be reminded of how far we've come because sometimes the progress seems so slow.



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dawdelight


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I cannot control it, I did not cause it, I cannot cause it, I cannot cure it. I was with AH last night we made dinner together.
I have not been seeing him for over 15 months. I set some boundaries with him and told him what I did not like

Progess not perfections

Its about taking care of me !!!biggrinbiggrin



-- Edited by dawdelight on Sunday 25th of September 2011 02:53:41 PM

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debra warner
maresie


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Personally I thini setting boundaries with an alcoholic is a pretty tough undertaking. They can be quite appealing in their own way.  I think also the denial can be so mysterious for so many of us.  I wouldn't call it "lame" not to be able to set a boundary. Personally I've found boundaries a daily ongoing practice when around an alcoholic. 

Maresie.



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maresie
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