Abuse from all ends - Al-Anon Family Group

nyc018 · Senior Member

Abuse from all ends

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have the same type of parents (well my mom anyhow). She just wants the status quo so bad. She made statements like "Divorce is for people that don't work on their marriages." So...basically I understand the attempts at guilting and many many parents never get over viewing their kids as an extension of themselves and therefore, the parent has like no ability to detach and see where their role ends and that their kid has their own life apart from them.

I found that a calm statement like "Mom, If you have a heart attack it wont be because of me doing my best to deal with a difficult situation. Trying to make me feel guilty is not helping and it's not going to work." Can't say if it will help for you or not as people are different and it could ramp up the drama from your parents to make a statement like that. I.e., a come back of "You don't respect us and don't even care if all your mistakes wind up killing us!!" blah blah. At that point, it would become "Mom, Of course I care about you. I love you but you're being irrational and I'm not having this conversation." Either way, it would be you keeping the voice of sanity in face of their insane reaction and that might make you feel better.

Mark

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

the ex A's mother absolutely went after me when he went on his spiral. She blamed me for all kinds of things. never mind at the time her son was homeless, ill and totally destitute. Somehow it was my fault.

I understand the financial ruin stuff pretty well. I am 5 years out and barely getting to the point of restoring my credit. What I'd say is that your instincts are right. Sometimes financial ruin comes with getting out of a marriage/relationship with an A. Sometimes is is not as bad as living with them though. The ex A destroyed eveything, our cars (he totally smashed up two brand new cars/trucks). He destroyed our home, our entire life. I walked away with nothing. I eventually even had to take the two dogs he was supposed to care for. I had a long transition where I paid for a lot of things for him (well everything rent, food, expenses) then I let go.

Since then I've been really struggling which is why I have to live with roommates and believe me I never wanted to do that.

There may be a time when your finances are affected. There may be a time when you have to rebuild. That all may be true. And of course like any scenario with an alcoholic many people don't respond too well. On the other hand you have resources like this group and you can build others. I am getting better at picking friends.

Doom and gloom is part of the alcoholism spectrum. They get paralyzed and cant' take concrete action. You dont' have to be paralyzed with them. Yes it can be truly truly awful but it doesn't have to be for ever.

maresie.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my case, I kept going to the hardware store for bread. It was buried in my brain that my family should be a source of help and comfort during my divorce, so I kept telling them all about it... only to feel abused like you. And I found myself talking... blah, blah, blah.... when I was with them... trying to ease THEIR fear about MY divorce. I would leave feeling totally exhausted. What is wrong with that picture??!

I had to see my part in my suffering... I kept doing it. I kept wanting to use them as my confidant and to lean on them.... I kept going to the hardware store for bread. My fears triggered their fears, so they didn't have the ability to support me. So, I had to figure out another way to get support and deal with my fear.

And I think that was Higher Power's plan all along, that I would learn to go directly to Him, to sit in the discomfort of what was happening and be okay.... TRUSTING in Higher power, that all shall be well.

It's up to me to choose the voices I surround myself with and I have noticed that the fellowship voices help me to stay positive. I have to keep time with my family to a minimum.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"The disease affects everyone it comes in contact with and often times the contact is by the family, friends and associates of the alcoholic. Alcoholism is world wide and very very old. The actions and reactions are always the same as is the consequence...insanity. My parents and family also had their reactions and stories however it was my life and my choices and my consequences and I stumbled along time until I could remain erect and walk in somewhat of a straight line and I didn't learn that from my family of origin, I learned it from my family of choice, The Al-Anon Family Groups who had the real experiences and knowledge, strengths and hopes. My family of origin is still very much messed up and getting worse and I'm detached. They have every much opportunity and ability and time to straighten the course and stand erect and accept a power greater than alcoholism and drug abuse in their lives. They know about my recovery and what it is like for me even when I don't shove it in their faces but only share it when they ask for help...and after that I detach again so that High Power stays in the lead. Be an instrument...only one and be a good one.

Abuse for me ceases to be abuse when I apply understanding of where I came from and what I use to do and why and all of the things I did so that I wouldn't have to deal with "the problem". Sometimes the problem wasn't even mine and still I was afraid and then angry only because I got overwhelmed by negativity I was addicted to own. I could listen to "their" input and choose what I like and leave the rest...just like in the face to face meetings and literature of AFG.

They also are affected. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Nyc, my mother died before my AH went totally insane. I can tell you I would not have shared it wall with her.

right as she was dying I told her mother I will be ok no matter what!!! She relaxed.

I learned to say to loved ones, even now, i am ok no worries I can handle this.I have gotten into Al Anon so strongly and have a very personal relationship with my HP who I know as the creator of all things.

you know I took a major blow losing every material thing I worked for all my life. Becuz of my age I can never get those things back. Nor do I care. My life being in HP's hands is so nice, serene and workable. I learned how to really get needs not wants, decide what I really wanted to do.

You will be ok, becuz you will make it so! Money is not the number one thing in my life at all. If I just have enough, I am very ok. My life will change more as years pass as I will get down to one or two dogs. I am sure I will always be plagued by at least ONE cat. lol

Good for you for making decisions. I hope your A will agree. Do you have a plan B? marisie on here is great on plan B's! (c:

I hope you will keep coming. ONE day at a time, and do the footwork and hp will bring the result. hugs,debilyn

rosielee · Senior Member

yu are not living with the AH anymore....so whatever cost its worth it to be free of the agro.
if your parents want to sit on the pitty pot and not help yu- thats their look out- give them the medal of martydom and be thankful you dont moan- groan and drag your loved ones down. you have your whole future ahead of you now and money is nice but it wont buy happiness. you just got to learn to deal with debts and then put them out of yur mind- the whole world is in debt so now you can join the big world wide club.

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