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Been doing some more reading about my co-dependency issues and came across this. I have been struggling with the idea of it being a learned behavior. Growing up I watched my Grandmother drop every bit of herself in order to please my Grandfather. She put him on a pedestal and put him first above anything else. My mother also taught me the same. She worked 40+ hours out of the week, came home and made sure my father was taken care of. How is that so different when we put our A's needs ahead of our own...protect them, care for them when they relapse, fix the problems they have created in order to make our families survive?....
Anyway, came across this and it made sense. Hopefully someone else can get something out of it as well.
A confusing feature about codependency is the mistaken belief of the codependent person that their behaviors are appropriate.
As shown in the drama triangle, they end up playing a vicitm role, seeing their situation as beyond their control. Somewhat similar to a "martyr like" role. So why would anyone engage in codependent behavior when it can cause such emotional pain and difficulty?
Because thinking, and therefore, acting in this people pleasing mode is a learned behavior. As the codependent's distorted self concept reinforces the behavior, it becomes an "automatic" response.
So the question becomes, How or where is this behavior learned? And going further, can a healthier level of response behavior be learned?
This may sound a bit cliche', however, this style is learned in childhood, usually in the family you grew up with (Your "family of origin" or FOO.). To change the behavior, a codependent must discover, and become skilled at, a new way of thinking about themselves and others.To look at childhood experiences, it is important to understand that this is not about blaming your parents, siblings, grandparents, extended family, etc. It is important, however, to recognize, acknowledge, and take ownership of the enviornment in which you developed. It was a significant factor in the person you became as an adult.
Some things in life are not your fault; nonetheless, they are your responsibility to deal with. Blaming is judgmental and useless. Understanding can lead to liberation. It puts you back in the driver's seat of your cognitive and emotional life.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Aloha Electra...One of my discoveries was that codependency (a clinical term) also was attached to our natural characters of loving and being loving which is good however the condition for me became such that my love became conditional and expectant and I had no other rule book but to do more and more so that I could witness the conditions and expectations "I" thought should be there. I ended up not being unconditionally loving because it was now about satisfying some need inside of myself rather than exercising a natural characteristic, being loveable. I got forceful, controlling and manipulative and that word doesn't even show up in my definition of love ever.
Yes I watched others in my family "over love" and thought they were crazy for it. I watched myself "over love" and knew I was crazy for it. Finally I arrived at the difference between "love" and "need". Unconditional love for me is love without exception and just reflects the behavior and condition of being a loving person which today includes detachment with love the character of being with and not attached. I can love another and let them be totally responsible for their choices and consequences still being supportive. In "need" that for me is about letting another person and their live be a reflection upon me. "I need to have you be a good person and live a good life so that my beliefs and my perceived character is a reflection of it." That is being irresponsible for myself and holding other persons responsible for my happiness, sadness and peace of mind and serenity.
I used to think co-dependency was a snakey word...cunning, powerful and baffling..."they drank and got terrible consequences for it and I accepted the consequences for myself also".
Great post and topic...I'll be listening. ((((hugs))))
In my family it was based upon the idea of not being good enough (fear of abandonment) and that ideology has been passed down to me 3rd generation. I find that co dependency in what I have observed with the women in the family was the fear of being alone, if someone can break it down to a core issue. Being abandoned, not being good enough, those messages are sent in subtle ways and then not so subtle ways. I don't know if there was addition involved in any of this, I do know Grandma was told she was only adopted because the family only wanted her sister (grandma was 5, auntie was a baby). My mother in turn was an only child and sent the message she wasn't good enough. I was then adopted and I have my own issues with abandonment, self esteem and so on. We don't come into the world being co dependent any more than we are born being racist. Those are learned, by observation at first and then participating second. The thing I think is so great is that we have a choice to break the thought process and put our minds to the right way of thinking. It's hard to break something that has had 40+ years to sit there and take solid root.
Again why I am so grateful that alanon has reminded me that I am lovable as well as worth while to those in my life.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
when reading this i was thinking that you go from yur parents- to your partner and somehow in that process you become embroiled in this dependancy issue. my theory is- that you look for what was lacking in your parents...you think if you try and fix and heal and stick by someone youll get that unconditional love back- but the bite is- quite often you dont. yu get dropped from a big height as the partner keeps taking this dependancy for granted.
thats all i know. and i know i am out of it- and id rather be single than in this cycle of co- dependancy. and the next relationship i am there will be some healthy independence in there. i am looking for a partner in life- not surrogate family or parents.
yes- I too learned that love was sometimes letting that person go if they want to- as they cant be controlled- as yu cant fix your past family mess ups by trying to force a close bond when its not happening.
I picked up on people pleasing because it was modeled for me by my mother. She still is one heck of a doer for other people. I dont think I have ever see her put herself first. She stays up late into the night cooking, making flower arragnements, bead work for other people. She is always on the edge of exhaustion and her face shows it. It looks like she is at least 10 years older than she is.
I was practicing that character defect too before I came into Alanon. When I go bottoms up in my program, it steadily creeps back in. I think it is a coping behavior because we grew up in an alcoholic home. Doing things for others as a distraction and not talking about the big elephant in the room was living in denial. But I think to an extent, that protects us all temporarily from the pain, people pleasing.
When we know better, we do better. I am grateful to this board because it is another way for me to spot what is going on with me today through the insight of others.
I think for me it was actually about "attachment". I was not a secure child growing up in a family with mentally ill parents. I was 'insecure". In an "insecure" place I learned merely to survive.
I had to do a lot of work on myself personally to come to terms with the way I behaved in relationships had a lot to do with how I ended up with being with an alcoholic. I rushed into relationships. I over promised. I over committed. I was a "couple" immediately.
I've read a lot about this. Certainly reading is one part but actually putting behaviors in place that work is another.
For me its been a long long haul. I'd also say that I had to learn that the people around me, friends, lovers, husbands, work colleagues, would not necessarily be too thrilled when I put the boundaries and limits in place. In fact they were downright disgusted.
Believe me my being boundaries is not too popular where I live. At the same time I am no longer exhausted from over reacting to my roommates.
I'd have to say it is also kinda lonely not to be enmeshed anymore. I don't have those "needy" relationships taking up every ounce of oxygen in the room.
For me it wasn't about responsibility. I was in so much pain I simply could not carry on people pleasing and being enmeshed. My family of origin was one part of it, but the big part was me changing my behavior and being "willing".
