The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know if my situation is the right one for this board. There are a number of alcoholics in my family. My Grandfather is an alcoholic My uncle died of cirrosis when I was in my mid 20's. One of my siblings is an active alcoholic with co occurring mental health issues and a physical disability. The uncle that died of cirrosis used to abuse me by piching my rear and asking me for sexual favors. When I told my parents, my Dad forbade me to speak of it again.
The main issue in my life is that I can't stand being around my parents because of the codependance issues. I have detatched from my sibling because they are abusive (raging, manipulating, entitled) I have not had much of a relationship with this person since my late teens because I simply cannot bear to be abused any longer. At one point I was physically threatned by my sibling while they were using. It scared me to the point where I shut down.
My current problem is setting boundaries . My father will defend the alcoholic at all costs, this is a life long pattern for him. Even if the alcoholic is being abusive it's our job to take it because they are family. If I set boundaries they are often steamrolled over by my parents. My sibling usually leaves my husband and I alone unless they want something. I have currently set a consequence of no contact with sibling for hurtful abusive comments. Now they are working my parents to get them to rescind the boundary ie sending gifts through my parents, telling Dad I'm mean etc. General crazymaking kind of stuff.
I used to be a caretaker and a big people pleaser. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and I don't realte to the world like this anymore. I want peace in my life, I want my family to stop pushing me back into the "responsible one" role. Now that my sibling has been diagnosed with a physical illness Dad has been "in my face" several times to be more involved with my sibling and to help out the family. My stance is that until my sibling gets treatment and psychiatric help they are not welcome in my life. I don't want to be emotionally and verbally abused. I myself have a physical illness and I need to keep my stress in check or else I get sick. I owe it to my husband to look after myself and our family first.
I can't take the depth of enabling that is going on here. They support my sibling financially, fix their house, excuse DWI episodes. They take verbal abuse. This is going to end badly...the trainwreck is coming and I can't look away.
I've suggested that my parents get help but they are not interested. I want to run away, I've considered moving so I'll be out of the line of fire when it all blows up.
Feeling afraid, angy and alone.
Saf
-- Edited by Saffron on Wednesday 21st of September 2011 06:27:37 PM
You are exactly in the right place. I would nudge you into a face to face alanon meeting to help you deal with the isolation as well as the valid negative emotions that are in your life at the moment. It's the right place for you to help you through a very difficult situation and offer support, understanding and unconditional acceptance.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Please read as many posts as you can here. Also, I would like to share with you that I finally attended an Al-Anon meeting after married to an alcoholic for 36 years. I was a bit late for my first meeting. But better late than never, as they say! The principles of Al-Anon, the members, and program is turning my life around. I can now smile easily these days.
Take care & hope you stick around here with us and GROW!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
i think yu are on the right track. you dont really need validation from us- you know what you are doing is the right thing for yu and your family. i sympathise- i have the same issues but slightly different- eventually its the same really.
OH MY GOODNESS/........I swear this has JUST happened.....I was pondering what to right and my eyes wander to the mug that is on this table next to my lap top- its a welcome mug from a company and guess what the slogan is?
"putting you first"
lol.
this happened a while ago too- when my friend and I was in the park listening to music- she was telling me about this brief fling she has had- but she did it after years and years of being taken for granted by her husband and she said- did i do wrong? and at that moment this man with a tee shirt walked by and he was wearing this slogan- cant remember the exact words......but it said "Ive taken a life time of xxxx"....and it was a walking answer....you can only take so much!!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 22nd of September 2011 11:25:12 AM
i think my HP has just spoken to me through my mug! lol
well Im going to take its advice....im going to get off this site for now (with respect and good wishes to you all) and im gonna wack some pink floyd on- and do the house work (boo)
there is only so much agonising you can do over someone......
xxxxxx (listen to my mug- "putting you first"- weve been told!
Welcome to MIP and it sounds like you found the right place. My family of origin sounds very much like yours and I have had to dettach from them to get as healthy as I have. I talk on the phone on occassion with my Mom, my dad passed away several years ago and very rarely to my brother who is too angry and judgemental for me to deal with. My sibling is not worth the spiral it puts me into to have any conversations with him. I live across the country form my Mom and brother and it helps me tremendously. I was the responsible one for everyone and I told my Mom about a predator once and she hushed it. I have tried to talk to them about some of my childhood after a counseling session and it went very poorly and I was again attacked. I can no longer feel sane and deal with my family. I am sorry you are going through this and I have had to get to Al-anon meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps to find my serenity. I have balance most the time now and can Let Go and Let God and not have to control it all anymore, which I couldn't handle it all anyway. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can relate a lot. I have had to deal with a lot of enmeshment in my life. I did a geographic from my family a long time ago. The geographic helped on some levels but because I had no boundaries I allowed people in my life who closely resembled my parents.
So on some level I had to learn boundaries. It wasn't all about my parents and their enmeshment it was about me and my lack of boundaries. I can become enmeshed in a minute.
Of course everyone's idea of happy families is different. For me personally I had to go to therapy for a long time (i.e. decades) to get all the grief and hate and rage out. I doubt I would have been able to do that if I were around my family.
My own family of origin have no boundaries. They show up unannounced and they declare I'm rude if I dont' jump up and throw a party for them. I'm talking thousands of miles here they just show up on the doorstep then act suprized I'm not all ready for them.
This requires a lot of detachment. The three C's are really at play here, I didnt' cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. But I can control it to some extent in my own space. I'm pretty particular who gets into my personal space these days.
That means I do certainly appear stand offish to some people. I also appear really not that involved because I have had to put myself first.
I don't argue with people anymore much. I set my limits, dont' justify them and don't take it all personally.
I spent years of my life grieving I did not have the family I deserved. Then I had to create a family of my own. I have that to some extent in al anon but I'm always looking for support, kindness and caring. Its hard to go out there and look for it.
My family of origin would guilt me in a minute. To some extent that all stopped when my mother and father died. They were such a huge burden when they were alive. They spent their whole life in chaos and dependency. Now they are gone of course my family would like to guilt me about other things but they dont' get the opportunity to.
I set a limit with my older sister who is a bully and who thinks nothing of calling up and screaming. I'm not willing to endure it. One limit was not to hear anything about her. I stopped asking and I stopped listening. Needless to say that went down like a lead balloon. My family love to gossip, they make up stuff about people and they are great manipulators. Setting the boundaries so they dont' get around that means the relationship is very very limited. That's heartbreaking, that's hard but its the reality for me. I had to spend a lot of time grieving, raging and coming to terms with it.
I agree that F2F meetings would be helpful...I just felt that because my AH is a sibling not a spouse or parent that I would not be a good fit. I also was wondering about the co occurring mental health issues were a match and it seems that lots of alcoholics also have mental health issues.
I have not wanted to admit to myself how hard I am struggling right now. I have anxiety issues and if I don't put myself first and set appropriate boundaries I am going to be swallowed whole.
Breakingfree I relate so much to what you shared about your FOO. I have some tough decisions to make that my FOO is not going to like (concerning acting in an estate capacity that would cause me to have to have close contact with my AH sibling which I feel is too much for my parents to ask of me) My therapist alwys told me that unless I look after myself I will have nothing to give anyone else.
Rosilee, thanks for sharing about your mug LOL! It is true that things happen to break us out of our patterns and part of realizing this is being attuned to HP!
Pushka and GailMichelle, thanks for the warm welcome, it is nice to be somewhere that people really understand what I am going through. It is so hard to explain to people who have not dealth with alcoholism in their life (family, friends, spouse etc.)
Going to get some tea and spend some time with my beautiful dogs now,
Thanks for sharing, we have a lot in common! I am in therapy and currently dealing with the grief and anger you describe.
Part of why I'm so upset is that I've made so many positive changes. I don't enable or get into business that is not my concern but like you have described so well, the family resents my boundaries and brings the gossip to me. I would not have known that my AH sibling was drinking and driving unless my other sibling told me. I have told them that they are adults and can choose their own path but they keep calling me when AH sibling won't answer the phone/door has verbally abused someone. It's like they are looking to me to tell them it's ok and I won't so the FOO and i are constantly chafing at each other.
I'm in a place where I am angry at their behaviour becuse it keeps my sibling sick! I don't want to know because knowing leads to worry and stress and I cannot change any of it even if I wanted to. It is beyond my control. This is where F2F Al Anon meetings would be helpful. I have come a long way but still have a long way to go.
