I never received the message in my family of origin of is it in my best interest or to thine own self be true perhaps because I grew up in an alcoholic home.  I was taught to make your outsides look great forget about the insides, everything is just Fine, Thank You.

So, coming into the alanon program for me seemed like a counter intuitive program.  What came naturally to me wasn't what I was learning in Alanon.  Self care for instance was a struggle for me to practice.  I would put off that dr appt, and struggle with trying to meet my needs first, always doing for others, not for my self. 

You see when I did for others rather than taking care of myself, I was Self Seeking.  I was looking for approval from others when I did them a good turn.    When I didnt get the approval, I would work harder, think faster, anything to get that atta girl, you sure are wonderful.  That was the extent of my self worth, a byproduct of approval from others.

So flash forward, once I got a sponsor and began working the steps she said to me,  The right order of things are:

• God first
• You second
• Everyone else third 

I had a hard time with that concept.  What about my husband, kids, pets?  I have discovered in my journey of recovery when I fail to practice self care, no one else is going to do it for me.  As such when I do for others and leave me last on the list, I get angry at the ones who are around me.  But it is I who am responsible for my attitudes, actions, and inner being.  I am the not the one who failed to take a break or say no when I had nothing left to give.  So when I sell myself short, I sadly have a habit of projecting it out onto the world around me. 

Progress for me is when I practice self care.  My dear sponsor tells me to give from my overflow, not from my reserve.    Today I realize I am no good to anyone if I dont put myself on the top of the list.   Thanks for letting me share.

In gratitude,

T