Boyfriend Showing Signs of Addiction - Al-Anon Family Group

newone87 · Newbie

Boyfriend Showing Signs of Addiction

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles IN Progress newone,

I don't have the answer or answers your seeking. In Al-Anon we don't give advice only our experience, strenght, and hope.......what worked for us.

Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful, disease that over time takes over the mind body and spirit of the alcoholic. It's a progressive disease that only continues to get worse. We have no control over the disease or the alcoholic. No one can say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic or not, but your are being effected by his drinking. You are seeing pictures of your past and don't like what you are seeing. There is nothing normal for someone to drink to the point of blacking out on several occasions. From my experience that is a definite red flag.

My ES&H to you is to find an Al-Anon face 2 face meeting in your area and start your recovery from the effects the disease has had on you since childhood. The Al-Anon program will give you the support you need. Members who have walked in your shoes, who will understand what you are going through, and understand you as perhaps no one else can.

Keep coming back. Read prior post on this site. You have found a new family and you don't have to be alone in the disease anymore.

HUGS,
RLC

rrib · Senior Member

newone87 wrote:
Does this come from being an adult child of an alcoholic

Well, growing up in an alcoholic home increases the likelyhood that you would become involved with a 'drinker'.

As to feeling that he may have a problem you can probably trust your instincts.

Here's a simple test: a person without a potential drinking problem wouldn't have a problem NOT drinking, would not crave it, and would not be upset if his partner asked him to not drink.

You also said 'He had many nights out where he drank to the point of blacking out'. Normal drinkers don't drink like this either, alcoholics do.

Yes, you are in a age group were everyone experiments with alcohol and drugs but believe it or not, most people don't drink.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi New, when we start feeling uncomfortable with someones using drugs, including alcohol, Al Anon is for us!

One thing that was a red flag for me was your believing at this point, you have to help him when he binges and blacks out.

When we do anything for the A addict we are making the disease more comfortable. That we don't want. They need to be left in their own mess, whatever it is. They hopefully will get sick enough of it to realize they have a problem. Us telling them does no good.

It's honestly none of our business. They are adults and it is up to them to be in control of their lives. We honestly cannot do anything anyway.

So we learn to love them, and detach from the disease. For me that is knowing it is not my problem, I lonly love the person, hate the disease behavior. When it is too much I leave the room, go for a walk, go for a drive, read, go to bed. whatever. I never scold or bring it up.

If we take it one it only makes us sick. Its not ours to own. They deserve the dignity of taking care of their own self. We don't want anyone monitoring us any more than they do.

We either accept they are an addict and learn thru Al Anon how to be as happy as we can with them.

fight it and be miserable and become sicker than they are.

or we separate ourselves from them physically and in every other way.

I am glad you are here It's an amazing place here at MIP. You are safe here. We have GREAT Mods who will help you and they make sure this site is appropriate.

love, debilyn

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only agree with the other posts here from those great people who came before me. ....
HI and welcome here! HUGS!
Alanon is to help you recover from the affects of another person's drinking, including your childhood. There is also ACOA... These two meetings are helping me heal from my childhood of dysfunction and to deal with the right now as well. The face to face meetings are awesome and have helped me so much.
Drinking into a black out is not the way "normal" people drink. My fiance has gotten into a black out so many times and there is not rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. Because of my changes in alanon, things are changing in my home and around me. Little by little as I work the steps and have a sponsor, read the literature to help guide me into the new way of living, I am getting better.
Keep coming, share, read, its suggested to try 6 meetings in a row to see if alanon can help you. Acoa is another great meeting for those who have alcoholic families... Take care of you, HUGS!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, typically growing up as the child of alcoholics doesn't mean that one identifies alcoholism when there is none. It works the other way -- typically children of alcoholics think excessive drinking is normal.

The first time a partner drank to the point of passing out, a normal person would have found that a deal-breaker. However, we tend to be like the children we grew up as: thinking heavy drinking is normal, hoping it will stop, hoping that we can talk them out of it, feeling powerless to leave.

Al-Anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) can be really useful to help us get perspective and separate ourselves from the insanity that sucks everyone around the drinker into it. We learn about alcoholism and how it affects everyone in its orbit, and also about boundaries and realistic expectations and things that our upbringing gave us little practice at.

Glad you found us, and do keep coming back. Miracles happen every day here.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome to MIP. It sounds like you found the right place and I hope you can find your way into face to face meetings. That has helped me the most coming from a childhood of addicts and alcoholics. And I married an A. I just wanted to welcome you and say you can trust your intuition and know that you have support here!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

New One 87,

I wanted to welcome you myself and say I think you are in the right place. I myself grew up with an alcoholic father who was a daily pass out drunk. I know what you mean by being in your 20's and having no desire to drink. I am cut from the same cloth. I have never had a desire to take the edge off with a cocktail at any hour. It just wasnt in my chemistry I suppose.

Fast forward a few years. I met my husband while we were both attending college. I was really busy trying to support myself working full time and going to school full time. I only had about 1 night per week to hang out. Well it didnt seem unusual for someone to have a drink or two on a date. However, when we werent together, a few times a week he would drink until blackout. I thought that was a phase as it was not the type of alcoholic I knew, my dad, a passed out drinker by 6 PM every day of the week. So it was plausible to me that this was just a phase he is going through and maybe I needed to lighten up a bit.

After school we remained together but he moved to another state. We would see each other maybe once per month. Little did I know all the while the drinking continued to escalate to nearly every night. Alcoholism is a progressive, self identifiable disease. I cannot proclaim my husband to be an alcoholic. Only he can determine whether or not he has a drinking problem.

I have found that since my husbands drinking was troubling me, I was encouraged to attend alanon meetings to find tools for which I can better understand the disease. I discovered that Alanon has helped me tremendously in learning how to take my focus off of the drinker and place it on myself. The meetings help give me relief and solutions for which I have a choice to take it or leave it. Getting a sponsor and being willing to work the steps helped me to discover what it was I wanted out of the relationships with alcoholics in my life that are still active in their disease.

Please consider trying six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you. I must thank you for introducing yourself today as I am so glad you stopped by. We do so appreciate the opportunity to get to know you better.

In gratitude,

Tommye

rosielee · Senior Member

your boyfriend and half the country it seems- have you seen these polic documentarys where london has the booze bus? they collect the people who have drunk to oblivion- and take them to hospital. weekends its full of drunk people

but it may be he just drinks too much, its our culture. which is why i raised my son in a dry house...i thought- why not go totally against the grain-lol

evryon drinks...and they seem to think its normal...but just two glasses of wine can be a lot for that liver to process.

when i workd on a cruise ship- the only thing to do was to drink, until i got so fed up with waking up ill every day.

it doeesnt necessarily mean he is a true alcoholic though- the true form of dependancy and sickness.

i think its good you are against it- i think all you can do is keep mentioning that its a form of dependancy all the same- a total reliance n alcohol for a good time and to keep mentioning the impact it has on his health. even if he isnt an alcohlic...people are having liver diseases on too much binge drinking....you just got to cut through all of that culture- the culture of being blotto is good- the free and cheap drinks- the all night hours...i think its a total disgrace the governmnt lets this happen and sends the booze bus out and makes the police break up the fights because the revenue it raises is still worthwhile- but the NHS must surely crack under the strain f it all- this gov needs to do more thats for sure

AngeSymm · Newbie

So if I'm understanding this correctly, becoming a part of Al-anon means ignoring the family members behaviour directly but to come here and deal with how it affects you personally? The idea of Al-anon is not to talk to the alcohol abuser and get things to change or stop, it is to accept them as they are and move on with your life without any sort of positive change other than the acceptance of their disease? Seriously?

Rosielee in regards to your boyfriend, my husband has similar behaviour. He drinks almost every night. When he drinks during the week he'll have a couple of drinks, but on weekends it's always a few. There are occasions where he doesn't black out, but where he drinks to the point of a complete lack of control. He wakes up puking everywhere, or he wakes up and doesn't understand how to find the bathroom, he doesn't know the he's in a bedroom, he'll think that he's wherever he was in his dream.

What I don't understand is, due to the progressive nature of the disease, isn't it better to try and get the alcoholic help before things progress, than to stand by and just watch it happen? This sort of thinking has absolutely no logic to me. I am glad now that I understand what Al-Anon is about. I was going to go to a meeting this Friday but I honestly do not see the point. I will never accept this sort of behaviour, it's not acceptable to me to be with someone that actually has a chance right now to get better. If he waits until he progresses further, his chances are slim and he will die like his father died before him at a very young age. How thoughtless and stupid.

rrib · Senior Member

AngeSymm wrote:
isn't it better to try and get the alcoholic help before things progress ... How thoughtless and stupid.

Good luck with that. If you find a method that works, we'd all be real glad to hear about it. In the mean time, I think not beating my head against a brick wall helps my forehead to stop bleeding.

AngeSymm · Newbie

I guess I'm confused rrib. Why is it that even trying to talk to the alcohol abuser seems to be not recommended. One of the quotes:

"It's honestly none of our business. They are adults and it is up to them to be in control of their lives. We honestly cannot do anything anyway."

If they aren't in the throws of their illness yet, why is it that we can't talk to them about it?

newone87 · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your responses. I truly appreciate your words.

I feel like a walking cliche in that I have an alcoholic family and now i'm involved with someone where drinking is such a big thing. You would think i'd know better.

Just to clear up my story a little more, our not seeing eye to eye on this matter stems from his family introducing him to alcohol at a very young age. As if they were european and sipping wine at dinner was going to be a normal thing. His parents are very very wealthy and well to do. It's looked at as a classy past time.

Then you look at my family. Alcohol has ruined most everything. There is no glitz and glamour.

I am peacefully sitting here doing some work and his sister just came in to say " who wants to make cocktails in an hour." It's wednesday afternoon , i'm up to my ears in work, no thanks. Maybe i'm just really lame.

If someone could help me find a way to start this comvo with him with a different approach than I already have I would appreciate that. He gets legit angry with me when the topic comes up.

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

AngeSymm -

I thought like you did...... Surely I could say the right thing and he would suddenly 'see' that he had a problem. It was out of my concern, of course, that I was trying to get him to stop. The first time I went to AlAnon I was really disappointed that they didn't tell me how I could fix my alcoholic. What did they mean, I had to work on me? Bullcrap. He was clearly the one that needed fixing.

Unfortunately, being concerned and talking about it doesn't work. If I brought it up, he spun always spun it around on me..... "You just don't understand what normal is" "Everyone has a few drinks, but you have a stick so far up your *% that you couldn't have fun if you tried" "Your parents didn't drink, so you don't understand these things."

Bringing it up to him, only made us fight. So, then I did all the mistakes that most of us have made.....nagged, bitched, counted bottles, tried to organize the day so that he wouldn't drink, tried to make sure he had a full stomach before he drank, kept a calendar of all the times he drank and drove. NOTHING changed the behavior, but it made me really wild.

Basically, I become obsessed with his problem, and tried to figure out a way I could fix it. We couldn't talk about it, so I became very manipulative.

The turning point was a car crash/DUI in which he was able to look at himself and see that he had a problem. That is the bottom line right there - the addict has to be the one to see the problem, and they likely won't see it if others point it out to them. I saw a therapist for a short time and he told me the litmus test was easy, if you told someone lovingly that you were concerned that they drank too much, someone that wasn't dependent on the alcohol would say, "You're right, I have been drinking a lot" and someone that was dependent would try to convince you six ways from Sunday that there was no problem.

After the car crash, I turned to Al Anon. And yes, Al Anon is about taking the focus off the craziness, and putting it back on ourselves. I can ONLY control me. I can't control another person, even if they are doing something dangerous. I can lovingly voice my concerns a time or two, but that is it. Ultimately, if they continue in a dangerous path, it is their choice.

You said "isn't it better to try and get the alcoholic help before things progress ... How thoughtless and stupid." I think it is a very noble idea, but time has proven that it doesn't work. The alcoholic will not want or accept help a moment before they realize they need it.

I've really worked to get the 3 C's through my head.... I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. When I tried to do these things, I only ended up really crazy. Now I no longer try, and I can focus on the things I can control (namely, me).

There is a good book out there called "How to Get Them Sober". I read it and found myself nodding the whole time. The name is a bit of a tease, as it really focuses on the reality that there is nothing you can do to change THEIR behavior, but there is plenty you can do to change yours.

Good luck - it isn't easy. There are no easy answers.

rrib · Senior Member

Hot Chicka wrote:
the addict has to be the one to see the problem, and they likely won't see it if others point it out to them. ...the litmus test was easy, if you told someone lovingly that you were concerned that they drank too much, someone that wasn't dependent on the alcohol would say, "You're right, I have been drinking a lot" and someone that was dependent would try to convince you six ways from Sunday that there was no problem.
Thanks. Being from both sides of the fence I would say that about sums it up. So have a talk. If they listen then problem solved. When having a talk doesn't solve the problem some of us need plan 'B'. Welcome to plan 'B'.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

New,

Hugs and welcome,

What I have come to discover is that I have serious control issues (there are others .. lol .. that was and still is the most blaring) .. ha ha .. not that I wasn't aware of that already however I just really didn't see the extent of how I tried to "make him understand he has an issue". I can't rationalize with addiction, I don't know of anyone who can. I imagine addiction as jello and try to nail jello to a tree .. it just is so not going to happen. His issues aren't about me, they came into our relationship and some of them I didn't see as issues, some of them I was not told about, and some I just chose to ignore. They have always been there. I married a good man who happens to be an alcoholic.

I have discovered that I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism (or any addiction for that matter), however I have also come to realize I am allowed to state how I feel about something ONE time. Then I have to let it go or it will drive me to distraction. Once I start obsessively talking to my AH about any issue doesn't matter if it's drinking, how he chooses to do something whatever, I am trying to control him and force a situation that is really not my place. Then it is up to me on how I choose to handle the situation when it arises again. I don't need to be angry or mean, I just need to know where it is I stand on a particular situation especially if it doesn't feel good to me. As an example, I no longer drive my AH to and from work daily (he has no license at the moment), yes I do sometimes, however it's on him to get to and from work. He has worked out on his own with no help from me. That was a shocker for me.

Everyone is different on how they choose to handle situations as well, what works for me may or may not be something that would work for someone else. It's about my own recovery. I'm focusing for myself on me and how to help my children use tools that I did not learn early on in their own lives so they do not have to learn similar lessons in the same way. Yes, they are growing up in an alcoholic home, however with the help of alanon I am teaching them how to cope with their own lives and know what is ok and what is not. Plus they are learning to cope with their feelings and that feelings do not define them. I'm on a big ol' learning curve too, that's ok it's about progress not perfection.

None of my business, .. what that means to me is that I need to take care of my own issues and stop focusing on what I think his are, some issues are more blaring than others. It's not an easy place to get to and it's not an easy place to live at first, it does get easier, however I am still in the middle of my struggle. His drinking is not my business in terms of the 3 C's that were already mentioned, control issues are only a small part of what I am having to learn about myself. As I point my finger at him, I am deflecting from things I need to address. It's not about condoning the addiction, it's about controlling my reactions (and preserving my sanity as well as serenity) to a situation without giving away my personal power (my day is no longer based upon if my AH has a good day or a bad day, I am free to have whatever kind of day I want to have).

What I can tell you is that no matter what the future holds for my AH and myself, alanon is absolutely where I need to be. I hope you will consider finding a face to face meeting in your area. If there are no meetings for you to get to please come here to the meetings that are here online. Face to face really have helped me, hearing people verbalize is just so different than reading it. Reading the literature, listening to pod casts, all of that it really does make a difference.

I hope you will continue to come back, and continue in a journey of healing because you really are so worth it.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.