The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few years ago when I was so over involved with the ex A I saw a psychiatrist and he told me my priorities were all way off. I had no idea what he was talking about. Wasn't it the ex A who had all the problems. I was so much in denial about what it was doing to my mental health.
These days living as I do, surrounded by addicts and alcoholics at home I do have a priority to find a way to get my own place, somehow someway.
Of course that invovles a lot of decisons, making more money, moving (?) which means saving and balancing what I have now with what I need. Right now I don't have enough, even working two jobs means I don't have enough to meet my basic needs so to find a way to get money to save is pretty tough going.
Nevertheless I do take actions every day to look for work, to improve my lot. I didn't do that when I lived with the ex A I was so swamped with feelings I couldn't. I could barely breathe some days. I spent a lot of time feeling absolutely paralyzed.
My priorities then were all about 'himl. Now they are all about 'me' and of course my animals. They are all about me doing better rather than trying to "fix" him so I can do better.
I have a dear friend now who is moving across country to live with his brother. His priorities are all about feeling better. I have no idea what he will do when he moves, he has no job, very little income and he isn't unemployed per se so he won't get unemployment (which he would if he waited to get laid off). I did a geographic a few years ago before I met the ex A. Under very similar circumstances I moved everything to New York, didn't know what to do and moved back in a two week period. I had no idea that I didn't know how to set a priority. I had an opportunity to move and took it without much preparation and thought.
When I met the ex A he proposed we be boyfriend and girlfriend. I had plenty of red flags that he wasn't boyfriend material. I took the opportunity because I didn't have any priorities besides not to be alone. Opportunity felt like a scarcity then. Now it doesn't. it feels like something to reflect on and decide on. I had no boundaries and I lived no boundaries. That's why I was with the ex A.
I can't say anything to stop my friend moving across country. Its his choice. I made suggestions he doesn't hear them. I understand his need to take an opportunity. Thats all I have ever done!
I also understand that as hard and as difficult its been for me to learn boundaries around alcoholics, awful jobs, being poor, being sick, being despairing, I learned them. I live, eat and sleep them and somehow someway within the boundaries, priorities beyond the "surviving" came up. I hope to be able to refine my priorities to a more "balance" life someday. I don't have it right now. I may not ever have it but I do have a sense of purpose of living within them.
It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery. Your words are for you now. That is commendable. Keep "fighting the good fight" and trust in your Higher Power to get you through and provide what you need.
It wasn't all that long ago when I felt it was my exAH who had all the problems and that I was just fine.
I was so 'fine' that I left Alanon... only to return years later. I am still realizing how much my health was damaged.
Not putting myself first is where I begun a path where I eventually lost my hopes and dreams. It was recently pointed out that putting myself first is, essentially, a boundary. This is such a huge learning process, I cannot even imagine where I am on the learning curve! I continue to challenge myself in ways that I can better focus on identifying my needs and finding ways to fulfill them. I've noticed that things tend to fall into place better for me when I am able to have my relationship with my HP as my number one priority.
It sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of you.
Your posts remind me of the tools of the program, balance, self care, acceptance, awareness, and action. It shows me that little by little taking positive actions can change our world, one day at a time.
