The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have much drama in my life right now, thankfully. I'm so sooooo grateful for this, because I had so much drama for so long!
My best friend is another story. She has drama day in and day out with her in-laws (her FIL is an A). Yesterday she and I were on instant message while we were each at work. She was writing about some of the insanity from her weekend...her husband and his sister has gotten in a fight, and then her husband spent the weekend sad and droopy because his sister was completely ignoring him. My best friend then said that she spent the weekend getting more and more pissed at her sister-in-law because her sister-in-law "made my husband miserable for 4 days."
I said, "Why were YOU pissed?" and "People can't MAKE other people feel any particular way." I didn't mean to diminish her experience or anything, I just hate seeing other people sucked into the insanity and have no idea that what they're dealing with is insane. My best friend got really angry with me - said that my "12-step psychology babble" didn't apply because this was her husband's sister and of course he wants to preserve their relationship (meaning: people in 12-step programs have no interest in preserving relationships). I didn't engage the conversation even one step further, didn't explain, didn't try to make her understand what I was saying, nothing. I just said that I would talk to her later and signed off of IM.
I think I need to be reminded that my best friend is now apparently sick in the same way I was sick when I got here. Until she realizes it, there's nothing I can do. Right? And when she verbally attacks me for my opinion, the only thing I can do is get away from the situation, right?
Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut entirely?
Either way, I think QTIP applies. I've been taking her sickness personally ever since she lashed out at me, and feeling like I did something wrong - but when there's conflict, I ALWAYS feel like I did something wrong. That's my problem. Ugggh.
I can relate so fully to your share and just wanted to say we have big hearts and want to bring our new found knowledge and tools to people and help them. But unfortunately people have to drag their own drowning carcasses into their very own life boat, because it takes hard work and wanting things to change so much more than living in the old comfortable pit of chaos. Our new found 12 step babble is threatening to their way of life and so I learn more than not to shut my BIG mouth and just let people continue on unless asked about my new found lifestyle. It is hard not to take friends words and actions personally and I am dealing with this issue, but I don't want to further isolate myself either. Keep up the great awareness and program wise white rabbit!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think you handled that beautifully WR. A couple of things come to mind here.
The 3 C's
The old saying: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink
The old expression Do you want to be Right or Happy
It seems plausible that she may be one of those that resonate with drama, thrive on it and is happy to share it with anyone who is willing to listen. I congratulate you for practicing self care, signing off IM, and going about your day. Drama is an old familiar frequency I used to tune into but I no longer am interested in listening to that old radio station. I just don't like to dance or listen to the beat of that worn out rhythm. It doesnt feel good anymore. That is progress for me.
My bff for from ever now have the worst time communicating via text and instant messaging .. LOL. Seriously some of our worst arguments, misunderstandings have happened because she meant what she said in a very different tone than it was taken and vise versa. We've agreed to keep our conversations in those formats light and if anything deep needs to be discussed it needs to be on the phone (we can't do face to face she lives to far away!). It keeps the electronic conversations free of drama.
Those mediums and even boards like this one can really hit some hot buttons because people read into what is being said and it's totally a format in you can't take things personally. I always hate that feeling of I did something wrong in stating a feeling or a fact, it's not like I'm out there flaming the boards or anything it's just a highly charged emotional situation for everyone involved.
I agree you did a great job of knowing what your stuff is and not owning her stuff. It just is what it is and it's not personal it's that level of insanity that just goes on and on until someone gets off the merry-go-round. There is no need to join in as they just spin round and round and leave people feeling sick once the ride stops.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't think you did anything "wrong", as you said what you said with good intentions and a good heart.... I chalk it up as another example of when we do better as 'leading by example' (rather than words) as in....."show her" how serene and peaceful you are in your life, as a result of your program, rather than (even well-meaning) "coaching her" into choosing the same...
Don't beat yourself up.... we all do it..... LOTS..... in the end, not unlike our A's, we always want to give others the dignity of making their own choices..... If she wants to get sucked into the drama, that is her choice..... You are making the wise choice NOT to be, and in the long run, she will see (and hopefully learn) from that....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I said something to my friend that was similar and her reaction was similar. Her life is full of constant chaos and she is always complaining about it. I said "I have found that I was addicted to chaos and my life was unmanageable. and now that I am working on me and healing, the chaos is getting better" She laughed and said "I am not addicted to chaos, I love calm and I love to just relax, what are you talking about?" She got mad and went on and on some more about how things were so bad. I ended up tuning her out and going on with my own thing after. I like your awareness here. GOod for you for being able to back out of the drama :) HUGS!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
You guys are awesome - thanks everyone. I'll just sit back and enjoy my own serenity, thank my lucky stars that my life doesn't have that element of drama anymore, and hope that one day she'll get tired of it too. And in the meantime, I'll work better at not engaging in the drama conversations, which don't hold any particular amount of charm for me anymore :).
Once when I told a "friend" I had to go when she was obsessing over someone who she was obsessed with she called me "slut". Now I would just say someone was at the door.
I think its so great you can see these things.
Of course we are surrounded by people who like drama and are in it when we're there.
When we start to move on not everyone comes with us.
When I first moved into the house I'm living in I fit right in. I felt like a victim, had an opinion on everything, judged everyone and could barely function.
The more limits I set the more unpopular I got. I had a severe reaction to that one.
Overinvolvement was my middle name.
I sometimes miss the enmeshment but I don't miss being backlashed against.
Of course none of this comes overnight.
I do know that when one of my roommates made a huge show of giving eveyrone a big Christmas card (nailed to their door) but me, I actually felt I'd made a lot of progress. I let it slide right off me.
Look at this as all practice. I have to practice boundaries day in day out. I set more and more limits. Some of them come non verbally now. Others don't. I set tremendous limits with the roommates. I have huge boundaries.
I watch what people's priorities are. Do they have any?
I didn't. The only priority I had at one time was to try to persuade the ex A to stop doing what he was doing. He didn't.
(((whiterabbit))) We are not all at the same levels of awareness. Some people DO thrive on drama. ¨I just said that I would talk to her later and signed off of IM.¨ I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, I think you're doing great! Thanks for the share.
