The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She follows me around and makes me think of the past. She makes me sit on the pitty pot in my present and she makes me sad about my future. I can't help what and where I come from. I work a diligent program to wipe away the dysfunction and yet there she is, this sad little girl follows me around.
My sponsor and I are working through a step book and I am in the maturity section and well it is a struggle to see my stuntedness, because of all who harmed me throughout my childhood. I have to reflect to heal, I understand, but sometimes it is so much harder than the last time I looked back. I don't understand why or how, it just is.
I am getting angrier about the injustice of childhood abuses, violence, neglect, molestation, and more. No wonder I feel like I have so long to go to be "NORMAL" no wonder I battle low self esteem-self worth issues and an eating disorder and I can't seem to live in the gray area for long. I feel so lonesome at times, but am in no way ready for a healthy relationship.
I do see I am smart, funny and a great Mom. The things that have happened to me have helped form me into a great person with a huge heart. I have been saved and pulled out of the drowning life of addiction. The ripples will forever effect me, but I choose to be a survivor and learn from my past to better help me and my children into my future. I have some great tools and knowledge. I have to kiss that little girl on the head and send her into her freedom and realize she has become a woman of power and strength. There will be many obstacles, but my HP can handle them and has done just fine getting me to this point.
So maybe it is time to embrace and love myself and realize it can be done and has been done. So I pick myself back up, wipe myself back off and head back out there with courage and strength, knowing that I do have support and an amazing God that will not leave me alone in the midst of this journey. Sending you all love!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think you are keen on your own personal awarenesses. Years ago I heard in my face to face meetings to keep in mind. It is:
"Normal" is just a setting on our washing machines.
That sent me into the stratosphere laughing. I don't know what normal is. But I know what peace, contentment, serenity, happiness, and joy are. That is what I gravitate toward, one day at a time.
Thanks for sharing today. Your insights and self discoveries are important contributions to this board.
Something I have added to the powerless list and this is me thing, I am powerless over people, places, things and the past. It puts it into perspective while I have lacked power over my past I know I have choices in my present and future.
Thanks for your share hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am not seeing a victim. Victims do not recover. YOU look like you're working a program, and part of that work is uncovering how we got here.
I share your experience. For so long, I just denied the past....didn't even have an explanation for it. When I started attending ACA meetings (which was one big "accident"... In this state, some al-anon meetings are combined with ACA and this was the only meeting I could get to) ... anyway, there have been meetings where I have wanted to get up and walk out because the stories were such a dreadful reminder of what I had kept swept under the rug for so many years, and all of it now bubbling up, back into consciousness again. I felt a lot of anger, especially about the neglect... about totally being left out in orbit.
Your post reminds me of Step Two... a necessary step for me when my head is in ACA issues. My family is insane. Step 2 reminds me that a Power Greater than myself... greater than alcoholism... greater than my family of origin....and greater than the war in afghanistan (my daughter will be there soon)..... is only a prayer away.
It's going to get better. Trust the 12 steps. And trust your Higher power.
((big hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 12:43:23 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Breakingfree... LOVE your share, thanks for that :) I am learning to accept me for me. When I do that, little by little, the abuse that happened when I was a little girl isn't as painful as it was before I came here. It will never be ok, but I can heal from the past traumas... Glad you are here! Keep coming :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear Breaking Free - that little girl is now a smart, funny and great Mom of a woman; you would not be EXACTLY who you are if you hadn't experienced your life to get there.
If you offered to wipe out my painful childhood and the result would be that I may be someone different from whom I am now, I would decline. I look around at some of the people in the world and know I would rather not chance being like them. I like me - specially now that I've got my peace back; I'm alone and lonely sometimes but no one yells at me.
Maybe you just need to embrace the little girl and with her, celebrate her wings!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
