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Ive been trying to implement Alanon principles as best as I can going to f2f meetings, and reading Getting them Sober which describes so well irrational guilt. At the same time my AH is doing everything to destroy my serenity and my attempts to be free of guilt and the actions Ive taken as a response to his alcoholism.
He is now in an inpatient rehab after a summer from hell, including a failed attempt at outpatient rehab and a week detoxing in the hospital, followed by immediate relapses. His job put him on disability for now but it is unknown whether he will keep it when he returns. In July, after his first hospital detox, I sent him to live with him mom, which he agreed to, b/c I couldnt take it and we have a young son.
After his latest relapse, which landed him in inpatient, I decided I have to look long and hard at what is going on and protect myself and my child. While Im not quite ready to divorce, I decided I need to get a legal separation and need to protect my assets. Ive made much more than my AH over the 5 yrs of marriage and could face financial ruin if I dont protect myself. He contributed next to nothing and spent much of it on vodka. So I made a very generous offer, given the circumstances, to my AH, including releasing him from child support at this time, even though he still has a job.
Hes still in rehab, so I met with his mom who was totally supportive of my offer. She told him about it, and now, he called me from rehab giving me a guilt trip. Saying he was doing so much better over the last 2 days, but I now interfere with his sobriety. Telling me he is isolated now and in no position to sign legal papers. Telling me he is facing financial and professional ruin, and I am contributing to it. Telling me that I am accelerating a separation. Time is of the essence, as I am totally financially unprotected now, and until the legal separation my assets are his and his liabilities are mine. He just made me feel so bad. As if he didnt do enough damage, he is now trying to guilt me into feeling worse. I hate this. I know it is irrational, but it just hurts so much. Im so sick of giving and giving, only to get sucked into his sickness and then being made to feel bad for being responsible for myself.
I can relate to this share. Guilt is a terrible thing that does no one any good, knowing that and getting rid of it are 2 very different things for me. Sending you love and support! Keep taking care of you and your lil boy!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am so glad you are going to face to face meetings. They were for me a lifeline amongst a sea of uncertainty. I too have an active AH spouse and do understand exactly how you feel.
The best thing I did was to get a sponsor and begin to work the steps in Alanon with her. I gained tremendous insight as to my motives, my thoughts, choices and actions as a result of living with alcoholism. The process of working the 12 steps gave me the clarity I needed to make difficult decisions. I made the choice to stay married and do it one day at a time just like I work my program one day at a time.
I have found it necessary to protect myself financially and legally as you described. I however am not separated nor do I want to be. But, I decided to take that action years ago formally. It has helped give a greater sense of peace. I think everyone comes to a different conclusion whether or not it is a good idea for them.
Please keep coming back. We are here for you in love and support.
wow,,,,I can relate to you. The only difference is we didn't have children. My AH drink of choice was also vodka except he never went to rehab (of course I begged for years for him to stop but that just made him drink more) now he has cirrhosis and today I have to take him for his 4th belly draining since August 10, 2011. So far they have taken almost 14 litters of fluid. He says he doesn't want to drink and wanted to stop just couldn't, now I'm unsure if he will even be here this time next year. He hasn't worked in the last 3 years and I've done it all. We have very little savings and I've had to cash out all 401k's in order to survive. He quit his job 3 years ago and fell into deep depression, he's always been a drinker but the last 3 years has been the worst. He did nothing but drink, basically stopped eating and his body just couldn't take it anymore. When he quit his job we lost our insurance too. So now here I am, 43, been with him since high school, not real sure how to live life without him and all I can think about is what if he isn't here next week, next month or even next year. Now he wants to live but the damage has been done. I'm scared, mad, hurt and lonely. Sometimes I get sick of giving and giving and giving too but then I feel guilty for feeling sick of giving. I don't understand why I feel guilty for something he created. I feel embarrassed that people know, expecailly here at work. But I guess I'm usually in tears or I have to leave to take him to the doctor, I'm scared to death I'm gonna loose my job over this.
You are doing wonderful job of taking care of yourself first. We can't correct the problems our alcoholics cause in their life, but we can control the effects their choices have on us.
Keep your head up. You didn't cause the problems. You are not responsible for his drinking anymore than the Betty Ford Clinic is responsible for causing alcoholism. You did the next right thing for you, and have "nothing" to feel guilty about.
HUGS and a pat on the back,
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 10:17:52 AM
Relate, been there, and still somewhat am. My exHA told me the same thing. You are doing the right thing by taking care of you first. The blame and guilt that is presented to you is coming from your AH's disease. For me, it helps to not accept assigned guilt when I know it is the disease talking- the disease does not like it when we protect ourselves. This also helps me distinguish when I'm just feeling badly about how I need to protect myself versus taking on some one else's guilt trip.
Sending love and support during this time. You have gotten some great ESH.
As far as guilt goes, it's a feeling and feelings don't define us. It's ok to feel guilty as long as you don't stay there, feel it, own it and then let it go (give it to HP). Emotions are just a process we have to go through to get to the other side. They aren't meant for us to stay stuck in. His addiction and recovery is not for you to own in anyway. His consequences (good, bad or indifferent) are his responsibility.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all, and I yes as Bud says I think I have to remember that it is his disease talking. Despite the fact that he may be clinically sober now in rehab, he is engaging in the typical guilt trip behavior that they use to try and manipulate others. I will try to remember all this next time it happens.
nyc (((HUGS))) For me, like Tommye said, I am living with an Active A and because of alanon I have learned that I am the type of person that jumps into things too quickly. I would rush into every decision. Alanon is teaching me that its ok to take my time and clearly think things through. If you work the steps and still feel you want to leave him, then you have made a more informed choice and decision. I am not sure how things work in your state, but I am sure you can find out about seperating things and working it out. He is in rehab, so take the time now to work on you :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
The ex A once tried to "guilt" me by claiming I loved the dogs more than I did him. By then I could let it roll of my back.
I never found the ex A to be cooperative when I needed to complete any loop. When he came over to get his stuff form the storage I had generously arranged for him he made a huge fuss and the manager came out. Luckily for me I had al anon then. I said nothing and let him go.
Of course they do try to suck us back in. Conflict and chaos is part of addiction. I have a ton of conflict and chaos with my neighbors. I can choose how and when I interact on it. I choose most of the time not to which of coure infuriates them!
Grief is a big part of looking at an alcoholic marriage. When did they stop being responsible. When did it become all about them? I can understand that is all so difficult to take. Nevertheless it was for me part of the process of letting go. The ex A sucked down and destroyed most of our assets. I felt powerless over it most of the time and eventually had to write off so much.
I am so glad you are working to protect yourself. Of course you are not going to get him being rational about it!
Hooooboy can I relate to your post, nyc. Just slip the words around a little and it is the same. " I was doing fine/getting better, until YOU blah blah blah blah.."
Guilt is a terrible feeling and it's tough to shake if you're not used to shedding it. But I'm really glad to hear you're protecting yourself and your son. You're being a good mom so pat yourself on the back for that!
