The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This song on the radio had this line and the line truly speaks to where I'm at... that juncture in the road I have tried to avoid, for so hard and for so long.
It's not easy, but I know I need to find a way to let go and say goodbye to the world that I thought I lived in... that place where I thought my love for my exHA resided for over 20 years. We still have some contact as he and his new wife have me back in court. It's been difficult for me to get to a more serene place of detachment.
Every now and then he shows abbreviated kindness, the man I married. However, I mostly see how awful he is acting and it is starting to occur to me that he probably has been this way- unable to love me, unable to love. I poured over half my life loving a man who now appears so shallow and who easily replaced me.
I have been diligent in keeping my side of the street clean despite his nasty lies and character assassination that are now part of my public record... I worry about background checks for work. I feel like he is still trying to take me down with his sinking ship.
Scared and sad, I didn't want to accept this as finality; It is just that painful and I haven't detached enough (yet).
Returning to my face to face meetings has been difficult, as there was an attendee who gossips about me and whatever she unkindly thought/thinks about my situation. Not so nice. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business... working on that...
In the meantime, I'd be grateful for any shares on strength.
Good for you. I do think it is a paradigm shift. I had all kinds of illusions about the ex A I lived with. When I moved into the place I currently reside in I had lots of illusions about how I could befriend and influence people. Befriending for me comes after the boundaries, even then there may be no room for anything but a boundary.
Whatever time you spent with the ex A was not wasted. I didnt' waste any part of my life its what got me to here. I can't say I was ready to "leave" until I was. I can't say I spotted the now ex A's glaring charactor issues and drug addiciton issues right away. I did sense something but having no boundaries I didn't know how to deal with it.
I do now.
Even now I have real real issues in dealing with alcoholics in whatever setting I endure them in. Some of us can't just up and run. We have to work things through. Whatever we do we did the best we could with what we had.
Hello Bud - your post illustrates for me one of the reasons why I took the path I did in getting out of my marriage instead of fighting about things. I offered him a lot to agree to being co-petitioners because, after enough reading here, thinking, talking, I decided that the end (being divorced without the battle) justified the means (me taking on $8000 of debt). A lawyer told me I COULD probably get all his bills listed as his and walk away without any debt - but it would have cost me - lawyer fees and much emotional duress. I got a lot out of reading posts like yours that led me to understand the wisdom in just putting down the gun and walking away.
I also could have tried to hang on to my marriage, attending Al-anon, reading and working on myself, but I came to understand that his type of A behavior wasn't something I could make myself live with - he is verbally abusive when he drinks, and he never goes a day without drinking. If he ever "gets it" and comes back into my life, I would consider letting him show me things would be different - but, I've come to believe he won't get it any time in the near future and I'm too old to wait too long.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It is so hard to deal with all of the crazy stuff life throws. I have really come to believe that while I might have to go through short term pain, the real behavior and long term gain for myself, will show itself at some point. People do connect the dots and if I am minding my own side of the street keeping it clean I find that my AH as well as others in my life manage to show their hinneys all by themselves without any help from me.
As far as the gossip in the group you always have the option of finding out how your group brings things to the table and deal with them. While having a discussion about anonymity because it IS an important part of the the group consciousness. Should you decide it's something you want to have addressed it's an option.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Bud...sorry and I agree...that place just sucks. Been there and had a great sponsor while I was there who helped me learn to "Love anyways" and rise above the lies. "If it isn't true...it isn't true, let it go" he taught. He also reminded me when I let "words" hurt me so that I could just let words be words and not get attached to them.
You can do it Bud...you know how to work this program. In support ((((hugs))))
I love what others had to say to you Bud. I just want to add I have been down in the dumps lately and my wise sponsor told me last night I will bounce back when I am ready. I am about accountability and your group meeting should have some recourse in gossip in your group if you decide to take that up. I live in a small town and it feels vital to me that my vulnerablity in my home group be protected. However what people do think and say about us is none of our business. I am trying not to take so much personally lately that has been my issue. I have let other peoples stuff affect me and even obsessed about what they might be thinking about me and my life. This too shall pass and Live and Let Live are my 2 favorite slogans currently. People are going to do what they do.... What am I going to do? My favorite Canadian is now part of my conscious haha. I am sending you strength and support on your journey.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Is it possible to change meetings? Gossip for me has always been a reflection of the person spreading the mess, rather than the person that is being discussed. I personally wont listen to gossip and make the choice to walk away. Hang in there. We are here for you.
A huge thanks for the super replies- each one being amazingly helpful, validating, positive, and supportive. Having choices and support is a wonderful thing. I feel like I'm much better centered already.
Thank you for the reminder and encouragement to be open- to attend different meetings; and, perhaps the ones I frequent and practice detaching from someone else's words/ behavior; or exercising my skills at a business meeting to address issues that may affect everyones vulnerability. All good opportunities for growth and strengthening my boundaries.
Maresie- I hope you are right that the ugly lies wouldn't show up on a job search. However, what appears in a lawsuit filing does remain in public domain. I can only do my best and give it to my HP and, as Jerry suggests, practice loving anyway.
