The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just really have a hard time wrapping my brain around some of my A's behavior. He says things that he means in the moment that he just doesn't mean long term. It's so interesting and frustrating to watch. I know this is sooo the 3 C's as far as not my issue.
He has gone and made "plans" and I'm putting that in quotes because it's very obvious that while my A has this way of saying sure that sounds great, he has no intension of following them through. He will ignore the "plans" until he finally gets around to telling the guy he's made plans with he can't go, doesn't want to go, or the famous my wife won't let me go (total lie!!). Which will be either the same day or the day before .. so I'm hoping he will tell his friend before he buys a train ticket that no this is so not happening.
Our daughter has a dance and a sleep over that night, there is NO room in our house for an extra person. While I love his friend he is a big guy like 500lbs big and we don't have furniture that could support him as far as an overnight stay, my daughter has a loft bed and my son has a single from europe even so it's actually smaller than a standard single bed. The couch will not support him. Again the room as well. We have 2 other preteen girls in the house really?? This is not a house made for that many people.
The friend is coming from 4 hours away on a train. LOL .. this was the part I did pinch myself to keep from laughing out loud, the train station is 35 miles ONE direction .. who is going to get this guy and take him back to the station? NOT ME!! Who's driving him to where it is he wants to go NOT ME!! Who is entertaining him while he is here? NOT ME!! I would love for him to come visit however it's the same weekend of our daughters first dance. I already know where my A is going to be at work because unlike our friend who is unemployed, AH has a job.
Because of my AH's dishonesty/denial about the past year, this is his bff since grade school. I mean really you can't tell someone who you have known since grade school what is happening in your life? Not a stranger, someone he has been close to or would say he is his best friend. Now talk about two totally different agendas going on .. all I can say is WOW!! I can't imagine not being able to tell someone I care about who is a trusted friend my challenges of hey I'm sorry I got a DUI I don't have a license. He can't do it. Won't do it. I don't know. I just know I'm not saying a dang word about it. I'm going to let the chips fall where they may. Where I feel bad is that whole issue of my AH not telling him what is going on and then my AH will wonder why the guy is so ticked off .. WOW!!
The other thing is there is a concert in Nov being held at a local bar and of course the friend apparently is taking a ride down memory lane. He wants my AH to purchase tickets which once again .. NO MONEY for tickets I'm happy to have money to feed the kids!! Thankfully AH would be driving by this point. He actually included me on the concert which is a new one because usually with the kids being so young he would leave me at home, go out and then that's when he would just loose his mind I guess. I wouldn't be going to be the alcohol police, I like the band as well. I would love to see them while they are still touring.
Again .. I just scratch my head and think wow .. how can he even begin to think that is ok? In his world I guess it is .. I'm staying on my side of the street and I know what I will and won't do that evening. I will be at a 8th grade dance and entertaining pre teen girls after a dance and that's exactly what is on my agenda.
This is why I love alanon .. thank you thank you thank you program for giving me an outlet and not loosing my mind over something I can't control, did not cause it and can't fix it!!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Their behavior certainly can be a huge mind-bender!!! You're not alone, Pushka. I've analyzed things silly more times over more years than I would care to admit; the end result is a disheartening no further along other than most of it is irrational. (not a big help, eh!?) When I feel myself starting down that road of trying to figure him out, I do my best to stop myself from leaving my side of the street- the only place where I have influence. Sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of you.
I certainly feel for ya! You're on the track to sernity. Keep going.
Alcohol does stunt their emotional growth. I recall when my A drank all those years, he would blame it on "the boss." Guess who was the boss? Yours truly.
Enjoy your daughter's dance! Show them how to "shake a leg." LOL
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I understand just how you feel. The behavior of our Ahs is hard to comprehend. It is an ongoing challenge. You've done pretty good in maintaining balance at your home. That is wonderful. Venting gives us a sense of relief. Thank God for Alanon. Hope things turn out well.
It sounds like your husband is a brilliant man. Surely he will find a delicious idea as to how to get his friend to and from the train station. Let's take a step back and see how this thing shapes up. If anything, it could turn out to be one heck of a funny story to share. We all need the laughter afterall!
He is brilliant .. LOL .. he truly is, this is a guy who literally is self taught as a welder. He worked his butt off to do so. Can fix about anything when he sets his mind to it. His MO is to count on the plans not working out. The word "no" is not in his vocabulary at all with other people. If my AH wanted to go to this thing that would be different for me too. He has zip interest, I did ask him directly.
Like I said .. LOL .. I know exactly what I will be doing that evening and weekend. If my AH wanted to choose to make it work out I'm sure he would, based upon what I know about my AH. Getting real, he really doesn't want it to workout, he verbalizes that outcome to me while sending messages to his friend of a different response. I am just staying out of it all. I've already been down this road with my AH when we were dating I wish I had held onto some of my mentalities from that time. My boundaries were so much better than they have been in the recent years. Something about the whole married thing I bought into the myth the two became one. It's like that sometimes, it's not healthy all the time.
Hugs all P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
