"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Ava2010 · Newbie

Is my husband an alcoholic?

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I can't tell you whether you husband is an alcoholic. That is something only he can decide. I can share my ESH (experience, strength and hope).

I have a journal entry I wrote almost 20 years ago. My AH (alcoholic husband) and I had been married just a few months at that point. I wrote about how much he was drinking and wondered if he could be an alcoholic. I concluded that he couldn't be an alcoholic because he doesn't act drunk, he never has blackouts, he is kind and gentle, he only drinks to unwind, he holds his alcohol well. Our lives were good and continued to be good for many years. We had 15+ years of what looked like heavy but controllable drinking in our house. I was bothered by it, but never enough to do anything to help myself.

Fast forward 20 years... I am now living with a middle stage alcoholic and kicking myself for not getting into AlAnon 20 years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and tears, if I knew then what I know now. It is a progressive disease. In our house, it has progressed to the point where my AH now hides bottles and consumes scary amounts of alcohol. My co-dependence progressed right along with his alcoholism.

All AlAnon requires is that you are bothered by someone else's drinking. We leave it up to the drinker to figure out if he/she is an alcoholic. Try a face-to-face meeting. The general recommendation is 6 meetings to see if AlAnon is right for you.

Welcome!

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Monday 19th of September 2011 02:28:01 PM

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Monday 19th of September 2011 02:28:52 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ava Welcome to MIP

Alcoholism is a disease which we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. It is difficult to say if your hubby is an alcoholic, however there is an online quiz that he can take to determine his diagnosis. If he answers yes to more than 2 or 3 he has his answer.

However, if your husband's drinking is causing you conceern, then alanon is for you.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Keep coming back here and posting. It is important to share the journey

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Ava... you've already received some great responses, and I would echo them, and would also like to add my two cents.... I think you have some legitimate concerns - the combination of having alcoholism in his immediate family, combined with the (rather large) amount of booze he consumes..... are red flags for me....

Is he an alcoholic?? Who knows..... My alcoholic radar probably says "YES", but time will tell..... One thing to remember is that alcoholism is a progressive disease.... He might be "managing" it (optically, at least) now, but it WILL escalate.

Choosing recovery - for YOU - is priority one right now... Learn about the disease, get some of the great literature out there (Getting Them Sober, volume one, by Toby Rice Drews - is a gem), and getting Al-Anon meetings and posting at great places like here are all wonderful things for you right now...

Glad you found us, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

AVA Hugs and welcome here :) Alanon is for anyone that is bothered by another person's drinking. It doesn't have to mean that person is an alcoholic or not, its just that maybe they seem to drink alot, so alanon is for you. The things I did when I first came are: I went to alanon meetings. I went to an open AA meeting so I could hear the other side's stories. I read alanon literature. I read the AA big book. I currently read One day at a time in Alanon every day, along with Courage to Change and As we understood. I found a sponsor and I have other alanon friends I can get in touch with :) Take care of you :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I pretty much echo all the responses your have received so far.

My alcoholic husband started out handling his drinking too. There wasn't a sign of concern back then. But like others have stated, alcoholism is a progressive disease. My alcoholic's diseasre progressed to where his life was in danger. He now has health conditions due to alcoholism.

Like others have already suggested, try Al-Anon. You don't have to determine if he is or isn't. He drinks. You are bothered by it. So you qualify for the program.

Wishing you the best and welcome here! Keep coming back.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people are binge drinkers. I think the issue is if you have a problem with it he probably is. We don't diagnose people here. We diagnose how we feel. I feel lousy around alcoholics. I have to get new tools to deal with that.

Until I go the new tools I spent years wondering. I should also say I live around alcoholics and addicts who swear up and down that they are not.

On the weekend, one told me he was having a party but really didn't like to drink much! He then proceeded to bring someone over who doesn't stop drinking from one moment to the next.

I dont argue any longer.

He'd also argue until the cows come home that he doesn't do drugs. Someone overdosed in the bathroom but that was just by chance....

If I didn't have detachment I'd be really really ill.

Nevertheless I'd have to say I'd really rather live somewhere else but that isn't a possibility at the moment but daily I work towards making that happen.

maresie.

Ava2010 · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and perspective. The part that scares me is how you all talk about this disease being progressive. He started this way of coping with job stress about 8 years ago and in the beginning it was definitely a bottle half the size. It's a slow progression...but a progression none the less. You've given me a lot to think about. I'll be sticking around here reading as much as I can.... blankstare

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Ava,

I wanted to chime in and give you a warm welcome. I am so glad you are here. For me I found the support and resources I needed in the face to face meetings of Alanon. The meetings helped me with the questions I had which were very similar to what you shared in your post.

I have discovered that alcoholism is a self identifiable disease. Only an alcoholic can identify with another alcoholic if they have a problem with their drinking. Since I am not an alcoholic, I could not identify. I had no idea as to whether or not my husband was one.

Progress for me began when I could identify with the members of alanon who gave me the much needed support I craved. When I attended meetings, I listened for the similarities not the differences as the member shared. I found comfort, support and trust that what I shared there would be held in confidence. I soon found that I had the courage to share what was going on with me and what brought me to alanon.

So, yes, I have found that alcoholism is a progressive family disease. It affects all that are surrounded by it. Alanon has helped give me the tools and support I need as I need it, one day at a time.

Thanks for sharing today.

Tommye

Woodenships · Member

Ava, I'm a newbie here too, my AH husband started drinking as we all do well most of us, in high school, weekends and then as we got older it started to get more and more. The last 3 years (due to him quitting his job) he started getting the BIG bottles of vodka, litters and would go through one of those in two days. Now he has cirrhosis and today I'm taking him for his 4th belly draining since August 10th.

I'm starting to learn by the wonderful people on this board that this is not my fault and I cannot control what he has done. Still having a problem with feeling guilty but I'm learning.

He hasn't had a drink in 42 days BUT he does know if he does drink it will kill him. I think he wants to get better but now it's not up to him anymore it's up to his liver, which for me is very scarey.

Wish the best for you and yours.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome to MIP, you have received great ESH already and I just want to say welcome and keep coming back!

Ava2010 · Newbie

Woodenships wrote:
Ava, I'm a newbie here too, my AH husband started drinking as we all do well most of us, in high school, weekends and then as we got older it started to get more and more. The last 3 years (due to him quitting his job) he started getting the BIG bottles of vodka, litters and would go through one of those in two days. Now he has cirrhosis and today I'm taking him for his 4th belly draining since August 10th.

I'm starting to learn by the wonderful people on this board that this is not my fault and I cannot control what he has done. Still having a problem with feeling guilty but I'm learning.

He hasn't had a drink in 42 days BUT he does know if he does drink it will kill him. I think he wants to get better but now it's not up to him anymore it's up to his liver, which for me is very scarey.

Wish the best for you and yours.

This had me crying-I'm so sorry you are going through this. Thanks for your good wishes in the midst of all you are going through. Healing thoughts coming your way for your dh and you.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Ava and welcome. I agree that it's hard to make a definitive diagnosis; however, from my experience, it can and does get dangerously progressive. When I met my DH he showed no signs of alcoholism. He drank, but socially, and I didn't see him "drunk" for a good 2 years. Fast forward to now, and he is a total wreck, in rehab, and admittedly a raging alcoholic. I'd say the problem was on simmer for a while, then steep decline began about a year ago. It had gotten out of control this summer. I still am amazed at how different it was a few years ago and how fast and furious the decline was. He is in rehab now, but I have no idea if he will follow the path of recovery when he gets out. We are separating, a painful but necessary process as I can't live with the person he's become. The best advice these boards and alanon give are to take care of yourself, even if you're used to giving too much (as I was, and still feel I do to some extent). Hugs.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Please choose alanon for you...

I can share that for a long time I thought because my ex alcoholic live in Boy Friend did not, seem drunk, slur words, get sick, seem hungover, rage, chase other women, etc... then he must just like the taste of beer...

5 years later I was misserable and crazy and beleived we must have some horrible need for couples counseling that I just could not see...( I'll spare you the long stories but there were many painful "communication" and couples type problems that hurt me terribly, seemed so odd, I was convinced it was mostly me) the not knowing was literally killing me,,, thinking drinking might be PART of the problem I went to alanon... I learned alot...

No matter if your husband is an alcoholic or not.. you are bothered by his drinking and therefore alanon can help you!

What's the worst that can happen? you find out it is not a problem and you learn some great stuff---alanon would have been wonderful for me even if I had never met my ex (live/in common law/ husband or whatever he was).. Please keep coming back here and let us know how you are no matter what you decide to do about face to face meetings !

YOU ARE WELCOME here please keep coming back!

-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 09:19:23 PM

newlywed · Newbie

I'm newly married to a man that I love dearly. On our honeymoon, I discovered that my husband must be an alcoholic. He is amazing when sober. When drunk, verbally abusive, uncomprehensible.

I don't know how I could have not realized it when we were engaged. We would have a drink or two at dinner, my house or his. He never seemed out of control. He is good at hiding. Very clever I suppose.

I did call an old friend of his. It appears that everyone was in on the big secret but me. I'm reeling. I feel that there is a weight on me that I cannot lift off. He's retired, but travels for a part time consulting job. I work. I never know which husband I'm going to come home to-the loving, caring man that I said yes to, or the angry man.

I've just looked up meeting times for Al-Anon. I don't know how meetings would help me. I do think he needs to go to AA. I'll do whatever it takes, but I have no "tools" in my toolbox for handling this type of situation. I've tried reason, silence, pleading, and worst of all begging. He did spend a day 2 weeks ago where he promised that things would be better. They were. Mostly. Until tonight.

I'm sorry. I'm not really responding to your situation. I saw the title and it spoke to me. I'm sorry for you. And I'm sorry for myself. Feeling untethered and sad.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"