Drinking limits socialization - Al-Anon Family Group

peggyjean · Newbie

Drinking limits socialization

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, peggyjean!

I can totally relate to someone else's drinking limiting their ability to socialize. It is part and parcel of alcoholism, and just another of the ways that this family disease takes our loved ones away.

I hope that you will visit your local Alanon meeting. Alanon pretty much saved my life. In the rooms of Alanon, I met people that understood where I'd been and gave me a much different perspective about the state of my life. I discovered that the meetings were for ME, not because of someone else, and not to change someone else. The meetings are not designed to punish alcoholics - in fact, the focus is not on the alcoholic at all, it's on US - the family members that get neglected because all we can think about is what someone else is doing and why.

Alanon operates under the same principles of anonymity as AA. In our group, we say, "Whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here." We also guard the anonymity of AA members. I don't know if your husband is really concerned about embarrassment if you go to the meeting or if the real problem is that he doesn't want change. Most alcoholics are very resistant to change, and do not appreciate our initial efforts to get better. You may try simply telling him that the meeting is something you are doing for yourself. There's no need for embarrassment. Alcoholism is a disease, and it affects people of all walks of life. It's not a moral failure or a lack of willpower. There's no shame in seeking help for a disease that tears people and their families apart.

Hope to see you back soon - welcome again!

Summer

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome peggyjean,

Two things...White Rabbit said what you need to hear....plus, you have found a new family who understands what you are going through. I like to say we are all different, but all the same, because we have been effected by someone else's drinking. Coming here is important because you will get experience, strength, and hope, from members who have walked in your shoes.

Whether your husband seeks help are admits he has a problem doesn't matter. You need the help the Al-Anon program can offer you in your recovery from a disease that is best described as cunning, baffling, and powerful.

I can relate to so much you describe, hiding bottles (cans), drinking more than others in social situations, etc. All of that is no reflection of you. I was in the program for some time before I accepted that fact. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. We are powerless over others, our spouses included.

As White Rabbit stated this program is for you, about you, and not about the alcoholici n your life. It will show you a better way of life. Do it for yourself....start your recovery....you deserve it.....and your not alone in the disease anymore....keep coming back.

HUGS,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Peggy , well I have been a member of f2f al anon for alot of yrs and only a handful of people know my last name , we dont talk about the alcoholic in our meetings we talk about how what they do affects us . A practicing alcoholic has no anonymity hes out there drinking * and you already said people look at him funny when he drinks too much * they already know he has a problem . I hope you find meetings for yourself you need support this is just too hard to do alone .

peggyjean · Newbie

Thanks for the hopeful response. How do you handle it when you find bottles? Do you maintain a social life separate from your spouse?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

As abbyal said I too have been a member of alanon face to face meetings for many years. Very few people know what I do for a living or what my last name is. Anonymity, confidentiality, and trust are cornerstone principals that are practiced in face to face meetings. It is how healing begins as members share their stories and receive understanding, patience, and love that have been lost along the way.

I too had a similar response to what your alcoholic said when I began attending meetings. I replied to him alanon has nothing to do with your drinking; it has everything to do with me and my thinking. That was that. I continue to attend face to face meetings today because I have active alcoholics in my life. I find comfort, peace and support amongst the fellowship in alanon. There is strength, hope, and experience that is shared in every meeting should you decide to go. It is recommended new members try six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.

Please keep coming back. Thank you for posting today. I do so hope I will have the chance to get to know you a bit better.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi welcome

peggy he has a disease, some dohide their bottles. They hate the guilt they feel about drinking.

When I found them, I just threw them away. he is not a child, he does not need punishment, he is sick. its nothing personal against you.

If we want to have a social life our own that is our choice! We need to think about our needs and wants.

Al anon can help big time. Keep coming back! love,debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

You know for me I just had to stop looking for the bottles, marking bottles, and asking about their drinking. I learned in Alanon that it was best to not ask questions for which I already knew the answer to. The old saying is, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, it is probably a duck.

Bottom line, it was in my AH best interest to lie. He already felt like a failure that he was hiding his drinking. I get that now. When I was new, I could not understand that concept.

Please keep coming back. We do so appreciate your courage to share with us today.

Best,

Tommye

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

The part of your post I related to most was the "shrinking into myself" I felt when he was drinking- at home alone or in a group. With my guy he was very good at finding groups where everyone else was drinking too much too and he felt at home at those "parties" man did I feel like I was all alone at those, hated them, hated who I had become around those people... still not 100% me... non drinkers would probably see me as very social at one time. My A actually has/ had me convinced I was "insecure" which is hillariously the opposite of who I am... but yes I felt very insecure in that setting, with his family and the type of people he found for us to be around.

Yes it would have been best for me to maintain a social life seperate from him.. I didn't. perhaps that way I would have had an outlet for the real me. she's still in here somewhere and I feel her presence a little. Without the knowledge of how to "detach" and focus on me that alanon teaches I found it too difficult to "switch back and forth or rather maintain the "real" me while trying to adjust to a family and social setting and every day different view of life so I just became something I wasn't... man that is taking zero responsibility I realize but it's true I just couldn't be me... when no one else I was ever around was "like me" . ...I don't know who or what I was...

Hiding the beer cans was annoying..but I never really counted because I knew there were alot.... was funny/ not in a good way to go to churches or business meetings and open the rear door of the car to get my materials/ purse or whatever I needed and have empty beer cans literally fall out of the back. roll on the ground and make lovely clanking sounds (especially since I usually visited "Baptist" churches (in my sales job) in ruaral East Texas/ where some think beer is the devil ( maybe it is for some) anyway..laughing about it now.. glad I can smile about it now...glad that is over...

excuse the rambling....

-- Edited by glad on Monday 19th of September 2011 10:15:42 AM

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