RA refusing to leave my house - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

RA refusing to leave my house

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((rara avis))) Boy, I can definitely relate to this one. I have asked my A to leave and he refuses to do so. We bought this property together and his name is on the title so I can't make him go if he chooses not to. You mention it being YOUR house. Do you own it? Is his name on the title? If you own the house in your name only maybe you can legally make him leave. Perhaps you could get some legal advice about your options. I know this must be very difficult for you. Please remember to take care of yourself while dealing with this situation. Best of luck to you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

disbelief ok here is my experience. In Oregon, I had to evict someone who was living in my home. If you look at " your state, landlord, tenant law" I am willing to bet you need to give him a no cause eviction.

No cause becuz he cannot fight it, there is nothing to prove. The law will tell you how. Here I had to post the eviction on the front door. Also I hand them one also, keep a copy. They have 30 days, that is it. So if you cannot get him out, that is what I did.

I stupidly rented out a room in my house when AH left. She ended up being a lunatic sadly.

I invite you to NOT go alone when you speak with him, or meet at a public place like a park or somewhere, where he can talk but be less likely to be awful.

My thing is to change all my door locks too. And door locks on my rental too.

It must be very frustrating. But the manipulation continues. If you go home and talk, again I recommend keeping your cell ready to call 911, if he gets belligerant, call and have them take him out. Get a RO so he cannot get so many feet from you. Then what I did was take their stuff outside where they can come and get it. With me inside with someone.

I am so sorry this is happening. The AH rarely wants to leave his den where the disease can thrive and do nothing.

hugs, YOU are number one, love,debilyn

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

good luck... seems like now it's a battle about his getting out of the house, not a battle about his getting sober... that stinks..

asking to talk seems very fair to me,,, calling you ugly names doesn't .

I would want to talk in the presence of someone professional like a counselor who specialized in addiction? not someone on either persons "side" someone both people could agree on. if my bf had offered to get sober I would have given him the benefit of the doubt/ but I DO NOT know your situation!!!.. just my take, take what you like, leave the rest.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If all he wanted to do was talk....it would be fair, but from your other posts and your other descriptions of his name calling, I fully believe his "adult conversation" will just be more manipulation and BS. I would try a lawyer Rara...or the above ESH from Debilyn sounds good.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

I'm so sorry!!

Hugs P :)

rara avis · Senior Member

What's really sad about this situation, is it did not nor does not have to get this dramatic and ugly. I so do not want this to keep escalating. Initially he said he would go quietly...HA!

I am out of state, and will be calling him. What he wants to hear is that I capitulate and let him stay. What will happen, and what is his plan B, is for me to tell him - again - that he has to leave, and then I'll get it with both barrels.

I left a message with his sponsor - it's not his problem, but I thought he'd want to know.

The house is in my name, and RA has not paid rent and just the phone bill. This sounds bad, but, he did very helpful manual labor and the no rent very recently helped get him out of debt. From a long term relationship view, I didn't mind at all, and now I don't mind because his no rent living helps me legally, as well as put him on better footing to be on his own.

Thank you all so much and please pray that this does not escalate further. Blessings!
rara avis

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rara, can't say I didn't see this coming, I'm sorry. I would look into what Deb said, see what your legal alternatives are. Like Mark said, meeting with him for "adult" conversation will only be a meeting orchestrated by HIM, run by HIM, controlled by Him. My ex accused me of being childish; used the "adult" card enough times, like if he said it first it was more true - I even still have a note from him telling me that if I (me) can't be civil (as if he is always civil) then he won't be. One thing you could consider is having his friends there at the adult meeting, bet he wouldn't be so controlling if it wasn't just you there to control. Wish I had a magic answer for you!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If he insists he has to talk to you, he needs to talk to you, he wants to talk to you, then you can always say you will agree to have that conversation once he has moved out. I imagine that will merely call his bluff -- like others, my experience suggests that the "talk" he wants is merely another chance to manipulate, wheedle and bully you into letting him stay. But if he really wants to talk, then all he has to do to talk is to move out.

He just confirms the wisdom of your choice to separate at every turn, doesn't he?

It looks to me as if the law is the next step, as others have said. He's certainly deep in the insanity.

This isn't easy. But every step of his behavior so confirms that you have seen things for what they are.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

rosielee · Senior Member

why dont you talk to him? is it needing some guts? I can relate....but i fear you will have to in the end. if you do- stay calm- kind and firm. you cant control his emotions or abuse (verbal insults) but you can control the pace of your own breathing- staying composed and calm. whatever comes out of his mouth you hav no control over.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Rationalizing with an irrational person is like nailing jello to a tree .. it just ain't gonna happen. Someone said arguing with anger is like arguing with alcohol, it's so true it's not going to work. Crazy train is pulling into the station woo woo (train whistle).

It sounds like your A is just in major shock that you mean exactly what you say and from the sounds of it you haven't said it meanly. I certainly wouldn't be having any kind of conversation with him without other people around ie his sponsor, friend and so on. He doesn't want a "rational adult" conversation he wants to make you change your mind and for you to see what a terrible person you are (NOT!!!).

Hugs stay firm in your boundaries with him and it's all going to workout for the best.

P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

RA,

You have my prayers. I do so hope it ends peacefully. I think as it was mentioned before if you own your own home, you have the option to call the police or a peace office and have him removed then change the locks.

It all boils down to is it in YOUR best interest to have him leave or to stay? Only you can come up with what is right for you.

{{{{in support}}}}

Tommye

rrib · Senior Member

Debilyn wrote:

I invite you to NOT go alone when you speak with him, or meet at a public place like a park or somewhere, where he can talk but be less likely to be awful.
My thing is to change all my door locks too. And door locks on my rental too.

Great advise!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been around the block on this one. Praying for you. I know if you persevere he'll go eventually because he wont'have someone to act out on. Believe me this is normal. Its part of the disease for them to make everything for the people around them tremendously hard. When he knows you are holding the line he'll back off. You'll be great if you keep holding it. Of course that's easier said than done!

Maresie.

rara avis · Senior Member

First I asked a couple of people who would probably know, to find a name or two of good lawyers in my area. Then I called my RA and we talked. It was excruciating. He was completely rational, calm, sane, and devastated. He begged and pleaded. He said he was over the hump w/work etc..and everything was finally falling into place. I told him I couldn't believe 12th hour promises and he still had to go. Because I love him and because he has been so lucid lately, it is so hard not to question my decision, if I am doing the right thing. I'm casting the man I love out, no second chance.

I will see if he moves out after that. I also left a message with his sponsor. Not to pity pot myself too much, but this has been the most painful, difficult, gut wrenching thing I've ever done. It'd be so much easier if my RA was a total jerk, or if I didn't love him. I've been bursting into tears left and right.

Good grief. Thank you everybody, you are wiser than I am right now

rara

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

Sending lots of love and support during this difficult time.

Hugs P :)

lasthope · Veteran Member

My bet is he won't move out but will keep trying to wear you down.
You could change the locks when you know he's out of the house.
Then your challenge will be to not allow him back into the house.
Drama is symptomatic of addiction and so is it mature committed
love that you feel for him or is it addiction to him and the drama?

Doozy · Senior Member

Hey there rara, I was wondering how that was going and I'm sorry to hear about the drama and difficulties getting the situation with him figured out. It sounds very familiar to me both with my ex bf and former roommate. I have no great words of wisdom, but wanted to wish you lots of strength right now. I know that's really hard. What has worked for me is clear, firm boundaries. If I start to waver, it's easy to tip clear over. I just listen to my heart and hp about what I need, communicate that and say what the choices and consequences are. It also seems like there's worry about the finality of these decisions. Even if he moves out now, it may not really be the end even though he says it will be. Things can turn or differently from how either of you expect and often people have to separate for a while. You just have to take care of you and what you really need. Be strong!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Keep it up. You are doing the best you can with what you've got. To thine own self be true. You can do this, whatever your choice is, one day at a time my friend.

This too shall pass.

In support,

Tommye

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks guys. This has been hideous. Your support, and the support of my friends, here, has been invaluable. The hardest part is the GUILT, by far.
I know I shouldn't feel it, but what a jedi mind trick to shake off.

As things have dragged on, there has been one sort of helpful turn of events. My RA increasingly says more irrational things. For example he complained about me running up the phone bill - the bill he pays for both of us. Sure I have. For 1.5 yrs also have paid for rent, then mortgage, water, garbage, electricity, home insurance, and groceries. He also says that he can tell I am being coached by an evil person/people. Seeing how I'm talking to a 40 yr. experienced counselor - who's been in AA herself - and his own sponsor, that is very interesting. The silver lining to this is at least is I can see how sick he is.

So tired of the drama. It's never been my thing anyway. RA is SUPPOSEDLY moving out this weekend. I know he won't get everything out. After this, if he doesn't leave, I will have to resort to legal action. Ugh.

Thank you so much for the support and sanity. xo
rara avis

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Rara,

I was just wondering how things had panned out. At least you can see how much in his illness he is in and that by taking a break you guys both have an opportunity to sort things out. Who knows what will happen after that, .. you know what will work best for you, what has and what has not.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.