New here....and sad..(kinda long) - Al-Anon Family Group

jmanning · Veteran Member

New here....and sad..(kinda long)

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi jmanning and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found us but sorry about what brought you here. I have not been in your situation (as far as the DUIs) but I can relate to dealing with situations caused by a loved one's drinking. Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Maybe the rehab will do him good and he will opt for recovery. But the most important thing is to take care of you. And now you've been granted the time to do that. This board is a good place to start. I know others will have more ESH (experience, strength and hope) to share with you. You are not alone, keep coming back.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome,

when my partner went into rehab I too rea;lised how addicted I was to him. I was very lonely and realsied I had made him my higher power I was in physical withdrawel it hurt so much.

This is what I did went to as many Al anon meetings as I could, talked to my Hp all the time asked him to guide me to keep the focus on my life what direction did he want to go on. I took on more service roles in al anon I basically got busy doing healthy stuff for me. I started going out with al anon friends for a meal the pictures etc. Slowly but surely I developed my own life. Today I can see it was a blessing that he went to rehab although it did hurt at the time it gave me the space to find me and to start to fix my own life. It was a choice I could sit around feeling miserable and obsessing or go out and do positive stuff to inmprove my life and give him the space to fix his.

take what you like and leave the rest just my ESH

hugs tracy xxxx

jmanning · Veteran Member

Thank you pineapple, I will keep coming back.

Tracy thank you. Yes I am addicted to my husband and my life revolved around him. He couldn't drive so I had to take him everywhere. I never thought about it but I guess I could say I am also in withdrawal for my husband. I look foward to him calling and when he does I do feel better. And I do realize I need to live for myself and to actually find myself. Because I know I have gotten lost somewhere inbetween taking care of him and everyday life. How did you do it? It seems impossible right now. Today is better I don't cry at everything I see. And night time is worse. I do asked my HP for guidance I know this is happening for a reason and I just can't see the reason bc of how I am feeling emotionally. And I am sure I will see the reason in time.

Thanks for replying. I need this and to write to ppl who understand.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jan

Welcome to MIP

I agree it is important for you to connect with others who understand, can hear you and will offer constructive new tools to live by.

Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community. Here and at the local meetings , members meet to break the isolation, connect with others who are walkaing the same road and talk things over reason things out. Help in finding meetings in your area is availableBy going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

It is important to develop tools so you can learn to Focus on Yourself, Live One Day at a Time, Let go of the past and connect in a constructive manner.

Please keep coming back here You are not alone.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi jmanning,

Welcome to MIP. After reading your post, I felt relieved you found this site. You'll find plenty of support here and gain information to help you on your journey.

My AH got 2 DUIs when he was passed 50 years old. It was a miracle that he didn't get many more than that. Each time I felt the system was too soft on him. He didn't spend any jail time to speak of, just a few hours for the second one, none for the first.

Sometimes when things happen and we think they are the upmost terrible possible senario, it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps his jail/rehab time will be what he needs to turn his life around, which only he can do. That's great that he started back to school. It will give him something to look forward to. But first he has some things only he can do.

While he is doing his job, you can learn to take better care of yourself. Step by step, you can do this. What really helped me begin to take better care of me and make me a priority was Al-Anon. Attending meetings might seem unappealing to you at this time. However, I encourage you to check them out - give them a really good try. You'll find very supportive people there who understand you like no others can.

My first few months of meetings (I attended only 1 per week) was a bit odd for me. I felt a bit strange; however, the people were so warm, friendly and understanding. I kept coming back because I always felt better after I attended. Also, I wanted to know how some of the longtime members managed to be so calm and have smiles on their faces!

Please keep coming back here and post. You're truly not alone anymore.

Take good care, Gail

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can identify with how you are feeling because in my earlier relationships, I used to fall for the person so hard that I would lose myself in the relationship. After breaking up with the alcoholic partner I had for 7 years, it scared me how alone and dysfunctional I was. What scared me more was that, as time passed, I realized how horribly my neediness distorted what I thought was normal living and decent boundaries. I thought it was normal to get the utilities shut off, to live in squalor, to have screaming arguments, and crashed cars. Objectively, you can see that a person with 4 DUIs needs to be in jail and/or long term treatment. I'm not trying to bash your husband, but hoping that looking at this with your head instead of your heart lends some perspective. I've been in AA for 3 years and 4 consecutive DUIs is even on the high side from the hundreds of stories I have heard of people's drinking careers in AA. That is indicative of a serious serious problem and you said yourself "he could kill someone next time." It does suck that the person you fell for had to have this problem but it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do to fix it. If your love could heal him, he'd be sober already.

How to get over this? Time takes time. You will not stay depressed forever. Through hardship you will grow stronger. Through alanon and other supports you might be able to take some healthy risks and learn to put yourself as more of a priority. You have just 1 life and after the worst of this hurt and pain is cried out/lived out, a ray of sunshine will sneak in and you will ask yourself "What am I going to do with my life now?" Then you will start healing more...

Prayers for you.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I can completely relate to the DUI thing as my AH has been pulled over for four, never convicted of any of them. It has been a long and winding road, financially difficult.

I too was wrapped up in my AH as you described. Alanon provided tools for me to learn how to detach with love from him and learn how to live again. I lost my sense of self in the family disease of alcholism. I didnt like being alone, I had no idea what was fun anymore, no joy in my life - it seemed. One face to face meeting at a time I began to gain insight into the the beautiful program of alanon, got a sponsor, and began working the steps. It was my personal journey and discovery that I have never regretted.

I discovered all the answers I was looking for and answered the question, should I stay or go? I gained deeper insight as to my motives in the relationship and what was I getting out of this. I have chosen to stay because I love this man too. He is a magnificient human being that has the disease of alcoholism. Next month we are celebrating our 10th year being married, 15 years together. I find happiness and joy in our family on a daily basis. Laughter is ever present in my home. I continue to go back to face to face meetings of alanon to learn how to separate the man from the disease so that I can see him through the lenses of love, compassion, patience, and tolerance, and kindness.

Glad you are here. Keep coming back!

Tommye

rrib · Senior Member

Welcome to the board. You're in the right place to get help for yourself. Think of it as an opportunity.

Your hubby is i the right place too!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Certainly many of us have been through periods of grief, fear and loneliness. You are no alone in that.

The exA who I was with for many years had huge tussles around driving, wreck 3/4 cars. He wrecked our fianances as a result.

I am glad you are here and have the company of your son. This is a start. If you have a moment get a hold of the book Getting them Sober.

Look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

jmanning · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for the warmth and love I feel from you all. I am so glad I found a place that I can "feel at home"

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

So glad you found this site. This is an awesome and supporting group of people!

I myself have experience with my ABF's DUI's (yes, plural), and visitations at the county jail. It's so hard not to try and fix the situation for them. We are left completely abandoned and miserable when situations like this happen. But as so many will tell you WE didn't force them to drink or to make the choices THEY did. It's not easy, but it does get easier. (((hugs)))

Keep coming back, you found the right place to be in.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.