The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ineed help because I don't want to feel the way I feel. I don't know where to begin in my introduction so I thought I'd share everything I was thinking while I was thinking of how to begin this post. Sorry so long.
I dont know where to begin.
Will my kids think that the smell of alcohol is normal?
Will I be left to take care of an ailing husband?
Will I be left to raise my children alone?
Im tired of being embarrassed.
Why cant he at least stop before he gets to the point of no return?
Does he drink on the days that I dont smell it?
I feel so ashamed, frustrated, angry, but cant share with anyone which just adds to my frustration and anger.Telling peopke would just add to my shame.
How did I get myself into this mess?
Why didnt I see the signs earlier?
Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?
What if Im not spiritual enough to join this program?
How can I protect my children?What about my teen sondoes he know?
How can I protect my husband from my son not respecting him if he does know?
Does it bother my son? Does he know? Does he think this is normal? Does he neeed help?
Maybe this isnt really a problem.Am I overreacting? Everybody drinks.
Maybe if I dont go to the Bronx or parties with him he wont have a designated driver and wont drink?
But what if I dont go and he drinks and drives again with the kids this time?
How can he heal in this society where everyone drinks everywhere?
Why is it ok for corporations to serve alcohol at business functions? Dont they worry about alcoholic employees?
Does he love alcohol over sex?Doesnt he understand that the drinking is an instant turn off for me?
Can I use sex to control his drinking?I know I cant and I wouldnt really want to but I want to know that there is something stronger than the alcohol.
When he tells me he has an addiction it sounds like an excuse.
Maybe if I treat him better or keep the house cleaner, hed drink less
How often does he really drink?Do other people know but just want a drinking partner?
Are his friends alcoholics too?
Who does he talk to about about his drinking? Does he talk to anyone?
Why does he drink and will it ever stop?
I need to learn to detach! I need to protect my family! I need to learn how to deal with this.
Whew! Wow, you just listed all the questions that also plague my mind.
In Al-Anon, we talk about the 3 C's: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it. There is nothing I did to cause my AH's drinking. Drinking is his choice. No matter how hard I try I cannot out smart the disease. I can (and have) driven myself to the point of insanity trying to control his disease. I lost myself trying to cure something I don't have the power to cure.
Al-Anon has helped me find answers to these questions and to accept that some of the questions have no answers.
You came to the right place. Go to some face-to-face meetings. Ask these questions in the rooms and I believe you will see heads nod and hear stories of the same struggles.
I had the same questions that you had before I walked into the rooms of Alanon. I too had a very similar situation. Alanon was a last resort for me. I had tried everything I knew to stop someone from drinking. Nothing worked. The only thing that did for me was to beging attending face to face alanon meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. That is where I found the answers to the questions you listed here.
The face to face rooms of Alanon is a loving, understanding, accepting place. It is a spiritual program without limits. Come as you are. There are so many people there that understand your problems as few others could. It was a place of comfort while I was in a sea of pain.
One day at a time Alanon taught me how to live. If you have not been to a face to face meeting, it is suggesting you attend six or more meetings before making a decision whether or not alanon is right for you.
Please keep coming back and share here. I think you have found the right place as there are many of us here that can relate. It does get better.
All of those questions could literally be in an alanon pamphlet for newcomers. I do think that by participating in Alanon you will get answers to some of them. Some of them don't really have an answer and are shade of gray...
About spirituality- Even an atheist can be spiritual. Religion is a whole different story. Faith is a coping skill and practicing having faith in something is a good way to take care of yourself. It's up to you to expand what you believe in. Focusing on these things helps you because you start to see a world with possibilities after living so long in what may seem like all doom and gloom.
" Take what you like and leave the rest " is an alanon quote I've heard a lot, and I've found that to be very helpful. I'm still not sure what my higher power is, spirituality is a bit of a head scratcher for me. But the above saying gave me the freedom to come as I was, no pressure, no obligation to BE any other way.
I think you've verbalized many questions that many others if not all have had walking in the doors of alanon. The biggest thing alanon gave to me was hope, not for an answer to all of the listed questions (some of them yes) however hope for a life with or without my A. Hope to find me again in the disease of addiction. Please keep coming here and go to a face to face meeting. (It took me more than 6 to really get a feel for my home meeting, not the meeting it was me. I'm very glad I persevered). It's just so important to take those steps through the door. You are so worth the effort of alanon.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I will just choose a couple of your sentences and talk about me and how I feel about them. __________________ How can I protect my children? What about my teen sondoes he know?
How can I protect my husband from my son not respecting him if he does know?
Does it bother my son? Does he know? Does he think this is normal? Does he neeed help? ________________________ I have 4 daughters. They grew up as their dad got worse and worse. 3 of them now take anti-anxiety medicine. They are all in their 30's now. That is their issue and they consult their own primary physician. I feel bad about it but it is what it is. If I had known what was happening (incrimentally) I would have educated them about alcoholism. As it was, by the time I was educated about it, they were grown up. We talk freely about it now.
As far as respect for your hubby from your son... that is not something you can control. That is totally your hubby's issue. You will have to talk to your son about how he feels. I would suggest honesty. And remind him that this is not a moral failure. It is a disease, same as cancer or diabetes. If your hubby had either one of those diseases you would expect him to treat his disease. Or die. The same is with alcoholism. He has to obstain from the booze. Your son has to know this. And you have to tell him it is a genetic disease. He has to be aware that he may have been passed the trait for the disease. I had to have the "talk" with my youngest daughter. She had 2 wine coolers and blacked out and acted inappropriately. She has agreed that she doesn't want to do that again and the wine coolers are poisen to her.... and all other alcohols.
For your children education is the key. AlATeen is active in NYC. Find him some meetings where he can get educated from his peers who also are going through it. Find your own meetings in AlAnon. _______________________________ Does he love alcohol over sex? Doesnt he understand that the drinking is an instant turn off for me?
Can I use sex to control his drinking? I know I cant and I wouldnt really want to but I want to know that there is something stronger than the alcohol. _________________________________ Oh man, the answer is yes, he does love alcohol over sex, but he will try to have both of them if you will just cooperate with him. My hubby only wanted sex in the morning because that was the only time he could get it up....even with the little blue pill. I did not cooperate because I hate it then. So it was my fault everything was messed up between us. He could hold off on the booze until the afternoon, so he started wanting nooners. I didn't want to interrupt the middle of my day just to cooperate with his drinking schedule, so I said no again. Wow, all my fault again.
He is now sober (and in AA) for 11 years (well, mostly). He also got throat cancer a few years ago, but beat it. I don't have to worry about him drinking again because he is much more afraid of the cancer than the alcoholism. But now he really likes to relax with ambien and valium. So I don't really consider him sober, but he does. It is what it is.
Find some meetings of AlAnon. They will answer all your questions. They will become your best friends.
i think you are really needing al anon, as its all going round your head and its eating you up- you need to let the cat out of the bag and talk about the whole thing in an open, healthy way. instead of this supression and denial.....
theres a torrent of emotion there in yur post that cant be dealt with straight away but can only be processed over time, if you dont go to al anon, id imagine you might suffer more - and being able to talk to people who know the steps and have been there can help.
im sure the more y9u talk to others and the more youll find just how prevalent this disease is- that the shame will eventually subside a bit. also denial and no communication can only foster that shame.....
take care...theres not a person here who hasnt felt the same way xxx
I had all those thoughts at different times in my marriage. I hope you find your way into meetings and find a sponsor. I am sending you love and courage on your journey.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My situation is very recent, let me re-phrase this, my finally doing something ABOUT my situation is recent!! I have asked every one of those questions, but I am now also aware of the answers for quite a few!! I have a 21 yr old daughter and 14 yr old son. THEY KNOW! My son not only does not respect his father, he currently wants nothing to do with him!! My husband went to rehab last Wed in another state and i was so proud and relieved at the time, that he was doing something about his problem! Since he has left, I have many other emotions, much ANGER, sadness, more ANGER!! I have certainly questioned how I have allowed our family to live in such chaos and disfunction for so many years that I never did anything about it? I know this is not my fault, my children's fault and even somewhat (though I am having a REALLY hard time with this one, his fault....it is the ADDICTION)! I have been to therapist, Dr and Alanon since he left. My son does not want help, but i know he desperately needs it! It is just a horrible place to be for everyone, yet we are alll so much more relaxed with him gone, than we have been in years!! I am taking one day at a time, but plan to visit this site for more strength and support!!
Welcome I am so glad you are here on MIP. I see this is your first post and would like to encourage you to start a new topic so that we can give you a proper welcome. Since this original post, it has aged in the last few days therefore sliding further down the page under other topics. I sure would like others beside myself to give you the welcome you deserve.
