So many things I think about.... - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

So many things I think about....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you are here. These relationships can get so complicated, can't they?

I would guess that there's not an easy answer to your question. It sounds as if your boyfriend needs to figure out how to live life independently and more healthily, and if my own life is anything to go by, the process could well take him decades or the rest of his life. Not that things can't get better within a good time frame -- just that none of us can afford to put our own lives on hold while our A's get on top of their lives, because getting on top of your life isn't something that happens overnight.

Meanwhile typically we have signed on to be their mother, social worker, caregiver, therapist, parole officer, banker, and maid and janitor service ... been there done that!

As to how we detach, my guess is that the answer is "Carefully, and with a lot of support."

As long as we do things for them, they can't learn to do them themselves. And I don't know your A, of course, but the A's I have known have been masters of helplessness. Helplessness has been their life strategy. I was sure my ex-AH would be living under a bridge within six months after we separated. It is years later and he is nowhere near a bridge. It's staggering how often they can rise to take care of themselves when they don't have us to give them a soft landing. And how often we're a lot more scared about their ability to cope than they are.

For myself, I often thought I was helping my A and keeping him from being homeless, broke, etc. I realize now that I was panicked at the idea of doing without him. I was using his helplessness as a cover for my own dependence.

I don't know how much of this might apply to your situation. What I'm pretty sure of is that you deserve your own life (not just caretaking someone else's life) as much as anyone else here on this earth.

I hope you have a good meeting that's right for you? And a sponsor? Nobody should have to do this alone. Keep coming back. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris

Welcome to MIP

I agree with Mattie, we who live with the problems of alcoholism understand as few others can. You deserve support and tools in order to be able to live your life..

Alanon face to face meetings, in your community will help break the isolation, provide you with constructive tools that will help you to focus on yourself and learn the next right step for yourself and friend.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

You are not alone and there is help and hope for you both. Keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

First, if the person who raised him, I refuse to say mom...signed his checks, if he went to the SS office, he can probably get his back money. She broke Federal laws!

I was in your shoes, except mommy was so codependant she wanted him to stay using so he would come be with her. sick.

Anyway even though he is mentally ill, it's still his illness, still his business. As far as your being concerned he would be homeless without you, he is an adult, he does not need a mommy.

Do you want him as your kid? What worked for me was totally stepping away from his stuff, ALL his stuff. Illness, disease, bills, jobs, vehicle, meds whatever. then just loving him. thats it, just loving him. Not taking over his life, but sharing him just being with me, drunk, sober, crabby, happy whatever.

If it was too much, I made my bedroom into a sanctuary. Tv door out, bathroom.. I read in there, or whatever. I went outside, walked, worked with my animals or hung out with them. Planted flowers, whatever I was into. He would sit and watch tv. He never took it personal as I did it other times too so he never knew the difference.

I still called him honey and Babe, Ignored any bad behavior or words. After awhile it was very nice. was so good to let go of the jerky disease in the room,

What if you died? He has to learn to take care of himself. Is he going to counseling? He knows what HE needs to do.

You sound like you are choosing to love him, that is good! I got alll the good time I could out of my A before he went completely away on me.

Cirrohsis is a very very serious condition from his drug use. Its liver damage, replaced by scar tissue that does not work like a liver works.

Sadly the disease tears up their bodies BUT he can go to a doctor, research it, take care of his own meds. He drinks becuz he is an addict. Only reason. he can go to a doc to help him deal with all that real pain he carries around.anti depressants, natural ways to help are much healthier than what he is doing. He just wants to get high.

But that is HIS problem, My AH was abused horribly too, in a war, so much pain. But that i his obstacle, all I could do was love him, be the best friend I could be to him.

you sound like a wonderful friend, and person, he is fortunate to have you. And you him. I hope things get better for you both. much love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.