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It was a pretty good day all in all. I stayed focused on me and stayed as positive as I could. Up until that is... I got the text " am I allowed to come home tonight? I had a drink" to which I replied " you made your choice". So he followed with "ok see you tomorrow after work and I'm sorry" and then proceded to try to give me an explanation. I politely said " i don't need an explanation, you are a big boy and your choices are yours, have a good night". Now I'm sitting here finding myself focusing on HIM not me. I'm trying but this is my first run at stickin to my guns so to speak. I could really use some help tonight as I want to find peace with my self before tomorrow comes so I handle him returning in the right way. Right now, I feel as though I will show my anger and hurt and I don'twant to do that.
Well Sherri - just wanted to share some encouragement... what a wonderful way to 'hand it right back to him' in a calm, peaceful way..... Sometimes I needed to go punch the daylights out of a pillow after these types of conversations, but what you told your A, and how you stuck with your boundaries - is all good...
Have a great, serene night.... take a bubble bath, or read a book, and reward yourself a bit!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sherri, The first thing we are taught in the program is to always take care of yourself first.....you did.....and that's good. Have no second thougths. Be proud of yourself, give yourself a pat on the back....you deserve it !!
And me, I'm going to give you a big Al-Anon HUG......Keep taking care of yourself first.
Lately i have been wanting to say the same thing to my Abf. I just dont want to deal with it. To see him high and up all night long. I havent been able to because i know Id be in the same boat as You right now. Worrying all night long about HIM.
Shaking things up and acting differently doesn't "feel" right at first. This is a case of acting your way into better thinking and feeling. Just keep acting the way you are and the positive feelings and thoughts will follow.
Great ESH :) I just wanted to say hugs, and be easy on yourself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks everyone. I did ok lastnight. Actually slept this time instead of staying up most of the night wondering and waiting for what would come next. The boundary I had set was if he chose to drink or do drugs then I couldn't allow him in my home for 2 days. I set it at 2 days because the normal routine has been he does his thing and comes home the next morning and is pretty much a vegetable. No motivation, sleeps most of the day and when he is awake is miserable. Over time I've learned to make it through the night and accept it for what it is, because I have no control. The hard part for me is the day after when I'm still running around taking care of everything and he just lays there an "empty shell of nothingness". A part of me keeps wanting to know where he spent the night but does it really matter? no. he wasn't where he should be...with his famly. I'm sure since I stuck to it lastnight, there will be a point today when I get the (I'm sorry, can I come home, I have nowhere to go) routine, but as hard as I find it to be, I will continue down my new path. Please be patient with me if I drive you all alittle insane today with posts to keep me focused lol
I know it doesn't feel that way, but that's really great. Good for you, it must have been tough, and your boundary in this instance was obeyed. Applause!
For me, when it comes to anger, besides exercise I also find that screaming underwater helps! ;) Also playing rock music in the car and singing at the top of my lungs, though be prepared to entertain other drivers! There's also, " garage cleaning in anger", which apparently has been my speciality.
Nobody here is going to mind cuz the 12 step is to help others and this helps us. A sponsor would be hugely beneficial to you in all this I think though.
I found it helps to make believe... "act as if", he is away on a business trip or is visiting with his family. I wouldn't worry and obsess about him all night if he were doing that. Then when after 2 days he does come home I don't have to be angry or tired from no sleep.
Are you attending face to face meetings? I would be looking for one in your area right now. That would really help, there are a list of numbers of people to call and reason things out with, even as a temporary sponsor.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"I could really use some help tonight as I want to find peace with my self before tomorrow comes so I handle him returning in the right way. Right now, I feel as though I will show my anger and hurt and I don'twant to do that."
I have learned to do what Pushka suggested. Find that local face to face group and go hang with them. Trying to deal with "this" problem all alone (course you got us at MIP) is doomed when you read the first part of the first step. "Admitted we were powerless over alcoholism..."
Made it through the day ok. Feeling rough now though. this is the first time since we've been back together that we haven't seen eachother for more than a day. I find my head is filled with thoughts of " is he thinking about us" " is he looking at himself" "will this be enough for him to realize he needs help" "is he with someone else". At least he respected my boundaries and stayed away. But knowing him like I do, he will think of this as his new way out whenever he cant deal with life. A couple days away to do what he wants. I probably should try to go to sleep and just end this crazy thinking. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what it brings...
I know this will get worse before it gets better. have to remember to take it one day at a time.
Jonesy, Tomorrow "is" a new day. Consider trying something different by keeping all the focus on yourself. You have no control over what he might be thinking, who he is with, or is this a new way out for him. Jonesy is the only person you have and control over. Remember he is going to do what he is going to do, think what he is going to think, and and say what he is going to say....It's what you do that is most important.....Take care of yourself first.
