The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most of us have had our ups and downs for years. I am no exception. Meetings, reading and therapy but I feel defeated. It is no easy task to live with an alcoholic or even a recovering alcoholic. I honestly don't know if my husband is totally free of alcohol; I sometimes think, which is what our therapist told me, that the alcoholic will take small bits to see if they can get away with it. Sometimes I look at him and talk to him and notice a change in his speech and eyes. After asking if he was using alcohol, I got the "no." The dishonesty from many previous conversations prevents me from believing. The advice here is to not ask questions we know the answers to. What is a marriage without being able to communicate and have the expectation of truth? My husband is at 3 meetings per week. He has become a workaholic, getting calls, getting E-mails even when home the other nights. It's like living in an office. I have become the maid, cooking, shopping, cleaning and doing the laundry. I don't feel connected anymore. Alcohol has drastically changed our marriage and I feel defeated as to how to ever get it back and at this point, feel so tired to try anymore. I feel so sad as I make my way through my days, putting on a different face for the world to see, not showing my transparency nor my vulnerability. I found that going to meetings only added to my stress level at hearing everyone else's worst case scenarios; I would go home and have so much anxiety, I couldn't sleep.
Thank you for allowing me to be honest and real on this board. It is a blessing.
well for me the expectation had to shift from "partner" to "alcoholic". That was one of the hardest shifts I ever made. I'd get sucked into his promises, claims, good behavior. He never entertained sobriety on any level. No matter the consequence he did it.
I think the book Getting them Sober helped me with this.
For me the expectations were always he would become the person he never was to begin with. In the beginning of our relationship he was solicitous, kind, giving and couldnt' do enough for me. That lasted a few weeks if that. Now and again that would surface but it didn't go for long.
There were always signs he was not what he made himself out to be. I was so needy, dependent and desperate I made a point of not seeing those signs.
I seen the signs too. I wish I trusted my instincts. I knew maybe this time it will get better. It never did now he has his second DWI the county will keep the jeep I refuse to let my "What Ifs" get the best of me again (money problem) Trying hard to heal and to understand adult children need to make the transition of ???.I know how you feel "Defeated" once again. I'm sad that I let myself down in broken promises all I can do is pray the next time I will know better. Keep yourself healthy nothing last forever hang in there.
Oh, you speak for me! I often wondered why I bothered. Would it ever be normal? Is this what marriage was supposed to be? The things I wrote in my wedding book about when we were dating seem so long ago and certainly with a different boy. We were so young. I was so naive. I set him on a pedastal. He had it so good. I never questioned his honesty. It was good in the old days.
Well, then we got older, I got busier with kids, he got into his career and his drinking..... and, basically I had to change all my ideas about marriage. I thought it would be a partnership. It turned out he worked and drank and I raised children. I found out he could look me in the eye and lie.... I also found out that if I watched he would have a particular nervous habit that would give away his lie. We would argue about basic things and decide to not ever bring that up in conversation again....until we had nothing to talk about anymore. He treated me with disrespect and I treated him the same.
Since sobriety? Pretty much the same. We still can't talk because we have so many topics that are off limits. We do treat eachother with respect now. He is still a workaholic, but he got cancer a few years ago and gets tired easily. We try harder to be a couple, but we are so far apart I have given up hope. I never show my vulnerability either. That sentence really struck me from your posting. Not to be able to show vulnerability.
I continued going to meetings. I have some great friends there. We can just look at eachother and start laughing remembering something one of them may have brought up at a meeting. We know eachother better than my spouse ever has....better than I would ever allow him to know. I can show my vulnerabilities to my friends. I can talk to them about anything.
My AH is still active in his disease. All of these posts are things I need to hear, especially shifting my expectations from "partner" to "alcoholic."
Wifeofalcoholic, you mentioned anxiety after hearing the stories at meetings. When I experienced a problem with the meeting I am attending (my anonymity may not have been respected--long story), I took the problem back to the meeting and was surprised at how much it helped me. The people in the meeting helped me see the problem from a different perspective. It was the first time I realized how much I really needed my face-to-face meetings.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Saturday 17th of September 2011 07:52:41 AM
I can share with you that one of the ongoing struggles for a recovering alcoholic is to fight the tendency to be self-centered and also to be on the look out for losing balance in our lives. At 3 years sober here, I fall into workaholism and other addictive replacements that affect others in my life in negative ways sometimes.
I can't say for sure if you are still compatible with your husband, but I can say that in recovery, it takes an alcoholic years to learn appropriate balance and to be truly a thoughtful and equal partner in a relationship. Some of us never get there even when we stop drinking and this is due to suffering from what we call "the isms" which are all the other crazy things going on in our heads that drove us to drink in the first place.
Not sure if this helps or changes your view of things but I just wanted to add that a newly recovering person is typically still very fragile, unbalanced, raw in their coping skills, and highly prone to substitute addictions.
I too long for a connection with my H but have surrendered. It's difficult every day to live without it but is easier now that I've surrendered to it than before when I was angry and frustrated. You aren't alone with your sadness and feelings of defeat. For me it was giving up wanting what wasn't and accepting what was. I'm still sad but am more serene than it past. Love to you.
problem) Trying hard to heal and to understand adult children need to make the transition of ???.I know how you feel "Defeated" once again. I'm sad that I let myself down in broken promises all I can do is pray the next time I will know better. Keep yourself healthy nothing last forever hang in there.