Funny how stuff can trigger the feelings I have not yet processed from the eXA's incredible downward spiral (during which I left him).

A friend of mine from work is talking about going to live with his relatives in part parking himself on them because he is stuck on a job front.  Some of it is that he wants to take a vacation and is afraid his job will replace him while he's gone.  He'll be gone for over 2 weeks and the whole nature of his job is up in the air at the moment.

During the ex A's incredible spiral down, one of his strategies was to park himself with his relatives.  They lived 200 miles away in the middle of nowhere.  He actually dragged me up there to go present this case to them.  I'm so grateful I didn't get stuck in that.  In fact at one point he ended up a few miles from his relatives, borrowed money from them and promptly ran back to near where we used to live to buy drugs.  Of course he didn't say that he had the usual elaborate excuses for his actions.  His Uncle being a man of the world used to keep telling me that the ex A was digging himself a ditch.

Now when I'm around people who are digging their ditches (which they can't get out of) I am really triggered.  I find myself wanting to point out the way, frustrated, angry and really pretty flumoxed.  Of course it isn't about them but the debacle I went through with the ex A.  When he was digging that "ditch" as his Uncle put it, there was no stopping him. He could not commit to any purposeful action at all.

I have not known my co worker very long but his story about moving from place to place, living with his parents, now ready to move to his brothers suggests to me he digs plenty of ditches.  He's really nice (I'm not interested in him in a romantic way) and he's intelligent, outgoing and a great worker.  He just isn't aware that his behavior is self destructive and I'm certainly not the one to tell him.   He is furious that the job he is in (where I once worked) isnt' following his line.  Self preservation doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary.  In the past I would have just been triggerd by this and trying to "fix" it.

Now I am observing what I do, say and feel and how this triggers up unprocessed stuff.

Of course behind the ex A is my family of origin where there was not self preservation, no boundaries and not much purpose or plans. My parents,my sisters and my entire family always have someone else to blame for their problems.

And of course up until now I've always allowed other people's problems to rule me.

maresie.