Survivor guilt - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

Survivor guilt

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't that "terrible thought" of being aware of your sister's illness,,and glad it's not you,,,similar to simply being aware that you are blessed and being grateful for being blessed. Your being aware of being blessed doesn't make your sister's illness worse!

Sometimes I believe horrible things happen here on Earth because this is not heaven, when we get to heaven we may then be able to see "why" until then the best we can do is understand that "why" is not in our control.

Thanks for your share,, it meant alot to me!

Sometimes I forget what I just mentioned to you.

hugs....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atheos

I am happy that your life is moving is a positive direction. Looking at your life being grateful for all you have been given and viewing someone less fortunate and being grateful that it is not you, is Very Human and truthful.. I must say that I have often felt that way and carried the guilt before alanon.

Alanon tools, steps, slogans taught me that I was fully human and entitled to all the emotions and feelings associated with being human. See life and the acceptance of the inequality of situations, is living in the truth and the present moment.

Once I saw the truth, I was able to appreciate what I had and was able to feel and be more compassionate to others.

Please be gentle with yourself and continue to see all your gifts and assets. That is how we build a successful life.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((atheos)))

I have a son who is schizophrenic. He is a blessing in my life. He inspires me with his positive attitude and his acceptance. When first diagnosed he asked me why. I asked myself why my son. I didn't have the answer for either of us. What I did find and I hope your sister finds also is today with medications she can lead a life that 20 years ago was unheard of. So many advances have been made. I wish your sister all the best.

There is nothing wrong with having your feelings. As Hotrod said we are only human and you are being honest with yourself. My ES&H to you is to give and show your sister all the love you have, offering your support as there will be many ups and downs. What my son taught me and I will always be grateful to him for........I spend several years feeling sorry for my son, asking why my son Rod, he didn't deserve this in his life........Then one day I realized Rod wasn't feeling sorry for himself. He was making the best of his situation, enjoying a almost normal life. He didn't want or deserve for me to feel sorry for him, because he didn't feel sorry for himself. He told me a few weeks ago he has it made better than Donald Trump.......He has given me a true lesson in life.

You sister will be O.K. and it's O.K. for you to feel your feelings. You are not a horrible person. I takes a special person to share what you shared. Be gentle with yourself and keep working your program. You sister is blessed to have a sister like you.

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sure you don't mean because your life seems to be more positive, you are glad

she is the one who is sick! If you were visiting a hospital and visited the mental health floor, and you thought,"I am very fortunate I am not in there" again you are not glad they are!

You and your sister were not luckier than one or the other. No one chose you and not her. The world is just an imperfect place. We have no idea what the future may bring. Also we don't know what she may experience that will or does give her great joy!

NO one picked you. So maybe it is more we say it differently. "I am so fortunate to have what I do." period.

Congrats and I know you will love your journey. love,debilyn

rosielee · Senior Member

yep- be kind to yourself and go gently on your self- those feelings are human and probably impossible not to have.

we mustnt lose hope though for those in ourlives who are really ill. because im sure there are bright times.

my son has bad turettes and he wanted to go to a school trip to berlin,, and i even thought of stopping him, but i had to watch him go- knowing that he screams and shouts all day long...and worse there was a 24 hr coach journey...when he starts screaming at the slightest hint of tiredness.
but he came back after having a great time...i dont know what went on- but it was ok.

it sounds like your sister is so ill, that you have lost all hope for any happiness at all for her......that might be yur belief system or a presumption. i know it is a really disabling disease though.... and i do sympathise with that survivor guilt....theres no getting away that this is a toughey- huge hugs and support to you today. xxxx

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I once felt absolutely responsible for everyone else. If I felt a bad thought I felt that was absolutely disgraceful.

When I've been able to work things through with al anon I have come to see that its not the thoughts it is the actions. None of my actions caused my parents mental illness or my sisters alcoholism. Nothing but nothing I did caused it. Whatever I thought, said or did unless one of them wanted to get better there was not much I could do about it. I'm not denying some of my actions certain upset them but none of them caused them to be mentally ill or alcoholic and since they were never much interested in my thoughts none of it did either.

I'm used to beating myself up. As a child growing up with mentally ill parents and a completely chaotic household being responsible for everything was my job. I was, after all, the scapegoat. So if I came along somewhere and someone felt like blaming me I fit right in.

These days I'm only responsible for me, my dogs and my actions. I'm not responsible for the whole world anymore. Self care is so difficult for me because its unfamilar. We can and do change. One of them is by working ourselves through the steps. Some of it is in group settings where we see ourselves in others and a lot of it is in being inspired by others and wanting what they have.

I'm so glad you are here. It takes great courage to admit to feelings like this. Feelings are not facts as they say in AA. Feelings are something we have to confront and work through they are not necessarily our enemies.

Maresie.

rara avis · Senior Member

Hello atheos,

Survivor's guilt w/a mentally ill sibling, that's a toughie. My sister is mentally ill too, I'm familiar with that stew of emotions that can bring up.
One book I liked is called "Mad House", by Clea Simon. The author had 2 siblings with schizophrenia. There are no answers there, just her story. It was a bit painful for me to read, but I really really appreciated knowing that what I felt was normal and I wasn't alone.

You're not alone, either. Hugs

rara avis

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