The Question of to stay or go... - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

The Question of to stay or go...

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Glad,

Something that struck me in your posting is something I'm seeing others deal with in similar situations of leaving and then believing on many levels that their ExA is actually happy. The reality is based upon my understanding of addiction (and I'm NOT an expert) the exA is not any happier than when with their sig other. Addiction is a progressive disease that may arrest itself from time to time, within a short time they will be in deeper into the addiction, especially if they are not working a program. What I have felt and seen in these situations that my actions and feelings are based upon my "what if", "why not me" and I allow myself to go there and stay in a place that is not really the reality of the situation. I have been there to even though I did the dumping and was not the dumpee it's never an easy pill to swallow. It feels like the biggest rejection in the world of why wasn't I enough.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain and it's a hard path to walk when the pain is so fresh. The thinking that the exA is doing so much better maybe short term, it's not a long term solution to a very difficult path they have chosen to walk, which is continuing in the path of addiction. The "new" them is just a deflection for old behavior and the old behavior without a program will come back out.

I hope you will go back to alanon for the meetings just for you even though you are no longer with your A, I can say without hesitation regardless of the path my A and I walk, together or separate alanon is something I do not for him, it's for me so I can be in a healthy place regardless of the outcome of my relationship with my A. As much as you are saying get a sponsor to others, please consider the advice for yourself, you deserve to be in a healthy frame of mind emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.

I'm advice giving I know and I apologize, I can just hear how much raw pain that is there and consider this not advice a suggestion and ESH and a big virtual hug. P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you sound exausted. My though was as I read your post was it sounded like an open wound, a person who was sucked dry by the disease.

I make sure I get a physical with a chem screen once in awhile to eliminate it being medical.

My vitamins, eating healthy help me lots. Also i started many flowers from seed so they are blooming. flowers feed my soul.

My number one interest is my spiritual part of me

It takes time after we have gone thru what you have to find who we are again. For me it took planting one flower, Getting two guinea pigs.

getting back into life.I want to get back into photography now. Both my kids are.

Starting slow is fine! I read like crazy, am a sponge for knowledge. This is how i found me.

Sounds too like you are grieving the loss. that is perfectly natural. In my experience and belief, we are made to stay with our mate, not split up. But becuz of this sick world, it can be almost impossible!

Glad you shared. Maybe this is you starting to take baby steps to walk back into your life! Starts with a desire and thought uno!

hugs,debilyn

rosielee · Senior Member

what is happiness and success- going out and wearing new clothes? if so then hes made it- he has nothing to worry about any more then does he.

and you know thats not true. id rather be looking into my spiritual and mental health. yu could have gone out and made a show of being happy- wearing nice clothes and dating new guys...but you decided to stay in and process things.....from the sounds of it...I for one, think your option is so much better. because when you do want to go out it will be for the right reasons and youll be a confident- relaxed and happy person. whats the point in socialising until you feel like that person?

theres nothing wrong with staying in and being a hermit- ive done it for years and years.... i suppose i could have gone out and tried to gain a few social pointers- and had more social kudos- got myself a boyfriend- but im happy workng through stuff- painting

that said....the motivation does drop off somewhat if you spend too much time alone..... i will be looking to do more things-

ah well......Ill stop waffling...........you can always come on here and natter on to me......lol.

im also thinking, breaking up is hard? isnt it something of a shock at first? it must be like shell shock for a few weeks. be gentle on yourself is what i dare say......you are doing fine i think. you sound really sensible.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there glad,
I was reading your share and I admire your courage to be so vulnerable with your thoughts. I too have felt left behind, my exAH left me several times over 15 years. I hear your preoccupied mind thinking of him and how he looks and what he is doing. Are you spending as much time thinking about yourself and how you are doing? I hear you say you have made it to some meetings before, are you still able to make it to meetings and find a sponsor? I obsessed about my A until I didn't know who I was or how I could breathe without him, but through Al-anon I am doing much more than that. Take care of yourself and feel your feelings and this too shall pass. I am sending you strength and love!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all I don't compare my life to the ex A's. Being an alcoholic/addict he's so adept at looking good. Even when he had no money was homeless and bereft he could ooze on in that charm.

Stay or go is a huge issue for so many of us. I hummed and hawed about it for a long time. I was absolutely paralyzed with rage, fear and grief.

I did go. I did suffer and I do feel alone. At the same time I no longeri sit up nights worrying about him.

I'm on a plateau at the moment about how to move on next. Many of us get to various plateaus. The irony about a plateau is while nothing seems to be changing on the surface underneath it is enormous change.

Glad you are here.

Maresie.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad- I am sending a huge hug your way right now. I can SOOOO relate to many of the thoughts you shared here. I left my AH over 5 months ago and it has been such a mixed bag for me. Going to weekly f2f meetings, reading Alanon literature, and having a sponsor have all helped me to stay on my path to recovery and to work hard to break my own addiction- my addiction to my AH. Since I've left him and left our home of 23 years, I have seen him create a "persona" of being a successful person, a well person and an all around great guy. However, I know that he is still drinking, he has lost his business, and he is not taking care of his health. But to his grown daughters who live out of state and who have only seen him once since I left, and also to those whom he chooses to grace with his presence (ie: his drinking cronies), he's doing great and looks great. I really do want him to get better, but I also know that he has a pattern of cutting down on his drinking and then bingeing after a month or two when things don't go his way. If I'm wrong on this, then hey, maybe us being apart was what was God's plan all along. I needed to leave so that he could get better. Hmm, maybe, maybe not.

I hope you can get back to going to meetings and to getting a sponsor if you don't have one already. It works if you work it!

Rora · Senior Member

I can relate so much to what you posted and I thank you for sharing it.

I experienced the back and forth, back and forth with my exA. I loved him. I wanted my family to stay together. But when we would spend time together again, it didn't take long to realize that the chaos was too much to handle. It made me a person I didn't like and didn't want to be.

The constant angst of life not being what you want it to be is tiring and unsettling. The question of "are you addicted to him?" was raised to me once also. I couldn't wrap my head around that at the time. Now, I see more clearly how that can be the case. While you know it's not good for you, you know it doesn't feel good ... you still can't give it up. That's when I realized that maybe I was addicted to the A.

It took purposeful decision making and strength and trust in myself to detach from him and what he was doing with his life. It made me very sad. But, I wanted peace so badly, that detachment was my only option. It is a work in progress.

Rora

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