The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today was my birthday. Not a big deal really; we didn't have major plans to celebrate and I was ok with that. We did decide that we'd get take out from my favorite nearby restaurant and have some ice cream for dessert. And I have to say, I was looking forward to that, as little as it was. But when I got home, my wife was a mess and clearly in no condition to "celebrate". She said she'd go out to get the dinner and I tried to stop her as she wasn't in a condition to drive, but she left anyway. She came back about 15 minutes later with no dinner. I didn't ask any questions and instead just started making dinner for the kids myself. Later she headed for the door to go out again and I insisted that she not go, ultimately taking her keys out of her hands. A short time after that, she was screaming at me in front of the kids. She ultimately found the spare keys and left anyway.
I felt really bad after that. Just hurt and angry and dissapointed. Such a horrible way to be treated on my birthday. She ultimately came back, amazingly in one piece. She got back just in time so I could go to my meeting.
My meeting tonight was on feelings. I was feeling so much when I walked into the room, none of it good. The woman running the meeting pointed out that it's ok to feel, after all, you have to feel your feelings--but then you have to let them go. Feel what you feel, accept it, and then move on. It was so helpful for me to hear that. I have realized that I've mistakenly assumed all along in Al Anon that I'm not supposed to feel anything. "Don't react, detach, etc". To me, all this meant don't feel. People have told me that is wrong but I just haven't gotten it until tonight.
So I feel angry that my wife yelled at me in front of the kids, and I feel dissapointed that my birthday didn't go as planned...but I accept it, and I'm going to try my best to move on. Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 13th of September 2011 11:14:42 PM
I'm dealing with very similar at this very moment. I am so sick of letting my AMother dictate how I feel, from repression when I was younger, to fear, anger and resentment now. It's hard for me to accept what I should be feeling in response to her from the conditioned responses.
I am not ok, with the grief over her, the anger and the resentment. Right now, I am not ok. But I know, with the help of people that care about me, my own perserverance, and God's will, that I will be.
Happy Birthday, and best of luck on moving on from an unpleasant experience.
I'm sorry that your day went that way, but it sounds like you gained important insights at your meeting! That in itself is a birthday present. I think you're absolutely right about the feelings. We need to and have to feel our feelings, deal with them and move on! I think that's part of what this is all about. So many of us got to this point by ignoring our own needs and feelings. The solution and serenity won't come by stopping our feelings, pretending they don't exist. They way out is through! We have to be okay with feeling and then moving on.
Good for you for not going off the deep end, for attending your meeting and then for coming back to share your insights with us. I appreciate that and wish you a happy birthday! I hope you can do something nice for yourself tomorrow, maybe a little something with your kids.
YES it is a big deal that is it your birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! You deserve to be singled out on your special day I don't care if you are 7 or 37+ it IS a big thing to have it be YOUR day.
I am sooo sorry your day didn't go as planned, good for you just like Doozy said for not going off the deep end. But always remember you are special, even if your sig other chooses not to participate you are worth a special day just for you!!!
Hugs I hope you made the day your own no matter what.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've been called a few names when the disease was present. I always felt better when I didn't react, and especially the next day. I could tell myself the disease didn't win. Sometimes more can be said by saying nothing, walking away maintaining my serenity and peace of mind.
Tonight you controlled the only person you have control over and you are better off for it. Then you went to your meeting and heard exactly what you needed to hear. It's amazing how many times that happens. Tonight our program was an powerlessness and I needed a dose on that subject. Why is it no matter how long your in the program, everything always goes back to Step One? We are powerless over alcohol, but many times we can keep it from making our life unmanageable......if we practice our program. You did a great job doing that tonight.
big hugs for having a crap birthday...I cant change it for you- all i can say,i know EXACTLY what its like......me and my sister have had it for years- so many days have been ruined by my mums birthday. sometimes the bigger the day the more likely it is to be ruined...they seem to flake under the pressure to be good-lol, or other times its just complete selfishness.
this sounds really crap for you.
its taken me years, but now when it happens- i know this is a god damn awful cliche now- but i do try to detach,,, and ive learnt how to do this for years...way before i knew it was an al anon method. reason for this is- why the hell should they ruin it for you? yoouve done nothing wrong, they have no right to ruin your birthday- which by rights was yours to celebrate.
keep on posting, as it really sounds like you are going through a rough time with her, and its important you vent and get support for yourself.
It is really amazing how everything fell into place for me to go to my meeting. As soon as I got home, that was one of the first things I said to myself--well, I won't go to my meeting tonight. But the timing worked out perfectly, which probably isn't a coincidence, and I was able to get to my meeting and hear exactly what I needed to hear.
One thing I realized this morning is that I've been directing so much of my energy into focusing not on how I feel, but on how my wife is feeling about how I feel. That sounds weird I know, but it's sort of like I'm sitting there thinking "does she know I'm upset? Does she feel bad about me being upset and about what she did to cause it?". Just wasted energy and trying to control another person's thought process.
Thanks for the b-day wishes all, I woke up today and needed to focus a bit on what I learned and heard last night, but then I found myself feeling lighter and happier, in spite of everything. A great b-day gift indeed...
My first sponsor was very interesting, she told me that EVERY day is our birthday, so........ Happy Birthday!!!
I had a similar birthday while I was married, my AH just decided he was mad at me on my birthday and chose to be silent and ignore me for the entire day. The next day, he was normal again, started talking to me as if nothing had happened. We will never be able to make sense of insanity, right?
But, there is value in all experiences. In this case, I learned that I am responsible for my own happiness. Always. If I want a happy day, it's up to me to create a happy day.
The best birthday I ever had was after my divorce, I had just moved to another state, had just begun a new job... no one knew it was my birthday. The old me would've boo-hoo'ed and held a pity party. But recovery has had a good effect on me, after work, I made a bee-line to The Cheesecake Factory to get my favorite dessert....... carrot cake. Their cake is about 10 inches tall and if that wasn't enough, she asked if I wanted it with fresh whipping cream?!!! omg
I took it to the quiet of my car, out in the parking lot.... and I had my cake. Yes, the whole thing. I was soooo happy and full of gratitude with each bite. Happy Birthday to meeeeee!!!
If you haven't already, celebrate Yourself and the gift of Life. Make it exactly what you want it to be, it's not too late. Sometimes I celebrate my birthday for a whole week... where's the rule book that says we can't? hahaha!
(((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Greetings Former New Yorker (if I'm reading your nic correctly) - belated Birthday wishes, sorry it sucked. Mine did too if its any consolation. I worked 9 hours, very very hot tiring day, came home looking forward to burning a steak and settling down all by my lonesome only to find I had a skunk in the trap (happy birthday to me, here's a skunky for you, the good news is easy, you don't smell like one too!) so I had to deal with it first. The steak was good, settling down all alone, well, it sucked but not as bad as having to fake happy while HE somehow made my birthday all about him (how do they do that??? Hijack a birthday, odd eh?) Got email birthday wishes from mom and siblings, chat-texted with old daughter (she wouldn't like that I call her that), got one lone happy birthday mom text from new daughter (who's teenage antics are getting OLD -hmmm, should change her to old daughter eh?) and no one in my circle of friends (sad circle to be sure) even knew it was my birthday so no happy birthdays from anyone where I live. Didn't even go down to the local tavern for a free drink - felt kinda pathetic when i thought about doing it so I didn't. Anyway - Guess what? I survived. Skunk did too. Next year I'll turn as old as my dad was before he died, not sure how that will feel. And hopefully, next year will be better - gotta always look forward.
About feelings - I feel better when I let myself feel them, overwhelming sadness requires sad old country classics by Kris, Johnny and Patsy, breaking down into heart wrenching sobs, wiping up the mess and eventually standing up again. I always feel worse and worse until I give into the feelings, experience them, and get em out in the open. Same could be said about my happy feelings, I couldn't suppress them if I tried.
So - Happy Birthday, thank goodness you didn't have a skunk to deal with too!
Cheers! Ann
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Fantastic use of your program. Yes feeling my feelings and knowing how to let them go was a great gift of this program .
I believe that at one pont I had shut down all feelings and became numb in order to survive. Then when the pain became to great I entered alanon and by working the steps and using the slogans I slowly began to feel.
The good feelings and the bad ones. I leaned how to enjoy the good ones in the moment and acknowledge th painful ones, express myself about where I was and then move on. Great tool for living.
