Trying to learn how to heal - Al-Anon Family Group

scholarlydragon · Member

Trying to learn how to heal

seekingtruth · Member

Hello Dragon,

Looks as though you have found the right place! Congratulations to you for being ready and willing to heal and work through these issues you have with your mother. It sounds as though you have wonderful support and you just found more.

In my quest for healing I read a lot of self-help books and paid for counselors and seemed to walk away saying "That is GREAT! That is what I want ... but how do I get there?" I read and heard a lot of diagnosis for what I was experiencing but did not receive a solid set of tools until I reached Al-Anon.

It takes work and it looks as though you are willing to do that. In Al-Anon we get a sponsor and work the 12 step program that originated in AA. We are a support group who understands exactly what you are experiencing and will offer what we have been through and how the program helped us.

It is easy to find meetings in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html and though it is scary to walk through the doors of a meeting, nothing is required. You can sit and just listen and for me ... I all of a sudden realized that I was not alone and I needed to come back.

I am so glad you found us, Dragon. I hope you continue to return and share your journey with us. We care and we understand.

Truth

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dragon thanks for stopping by with your story cause it is healing for me and hopeful in that I use to be there also and now that I sometimes am reminded of it, it doesn't hurt at all and I have learned much in the Al-Anon family Groups.

I learned about powerlessness and how to accept that and to do other things rather than to let the past hook me into rehashing it and trying to work it out with tools that never worked before. I learned about unmanagability in my own life as I was trying to figure out their lives and standing by to help them "get it" and understand why my life was so screwed up. I learned about letting go even when I was saying "you don't understand I can't" to the membership that was telling me how they did it. I learned how to heal when I didn't even think in terms of healing.

In order to understand I had to sit down, be quiet, listen with a wide open mind and then practice what I learned. I had to surrender myself to others and use faith that what I learned would help me save my own life. I had to learn it was okay to step away from my mother and focus on my own need for peace of mind and serenity. My Mom wasn't the alcoholic...she was the daughter of an alcoholic and the wife of two other alcoholics who had sons who were and are currently alcoholic. Not a thing of Fairytales.

You will learn to heal if you decide to get to the face to face meetings of Al-Anon in your area. The hot-line number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. The people are there and the literature and the help and support. You will learn to heal as you continue to follow up with what you did to get into this board room. MIP is real and miracles happen here and continue as a result. Welcome. ((((hugs)))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I grew up in a very dysfunctional (mentally ill) family. I can relate. I think its great you are getting in touch with your feelings. For some time I had to have no contact with my family of origin at all. I was so angry! And my family of origin never could hear my anger on anything.

I have had conversations with my younger sister where she acknowledges the abuse. That's it. Like your mother she believed that was the end of the story.

Keep in mind that if someone is an alcoholic they are always medicating their feelings. My younger sister has drunk daily for decades. Without al anon I'd still be banging my head against the wall furious that she can't see my point of view. She can't until she gives up drinking and after decades of it I don't know that's likely.

Al anon can certainly help you. Whatever resources you can get I believe can help.

Glad you're here.

You have probably heard me and everyone else hear recommend the book Getting them Sober. I think its a great great resource at getting real expectations, grieving the ones that didn't work and doing self preservation.

Maresie.

scholarlydragon · Member

I went to the website to see if there was a meeting in my area. Unfortunately, it looks like I'd have to drive about two hours to get to the nearest one.

I find myself near tears since I made my original post. I'm not sure what's causing it. Most likely a combination of factors. Despite everything that I've uncovered, I know there's a lot of repressed anger, fears and resentment festering in there.

I have a strong tendency to try to take responsibility for things. As "the responsible one" growing up, it was something I just came to expect of myself. I guess this feels something like giving up to a mind that's used to striving for (twisted) self sufficiency. Not only can I not fix her, I need help to fix myself.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

I wanted to share my Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) with you.

I am in my late 30s and my dad is the alcoholic in my life. When I was in my mid-twenties I woke up to the pain I had experienced as a child growing up in an alcoholic home and decided to get some help for myself to deal with aftermath.

What I found helpful was regular alanon meetings. I really needed the warm embrace of people who had "been there," who knew intimately what it is like to live with active addiction.

I got a sponsor and started working the steps.

I also have found some excellent therapists--I have gone to both individual and group therapy--the right therapists have been empathetic and have helped me sort out the messiness of years of painful living.

I currently do not have any contact with my dad. There was a painful incident in my early thirties after which it took me a year to decide to end contact with him. I didn't make any big announcements or pronouncements, I simply stepped away. The benefit of this has been that I don't have to live up to "I'll never talk to you again" because I never said I wouldn't talk to him again. I just decided that it was better and safer for my own well being to not be in contact.

Making this decision was tough, it was the toughest decision I have ever made--I made it prayerfully, with tons of support and in no way lightly. It was the right decision for me at the time and now. However, what I have had to realize is that it is not a "solution". The pain has still been there for me to deal with--the pain of living with active addiction and the pain and grief of choosing not to be in contact. In my case, I also had to be sure and clear that if my dad (who is older) passed away and we were not reconciled, I would be able to live with my decision.

Now, I am at the 5-year anniversary of not maintaining a relationship with him and the grief has resurfaced. As I move on with my life, I miss him tremendously and would love to share my recent accomplishments with him. To deal with this new grief, I have sought counseling again to help me through this time and I have been very fortunate to find someone who is truly terrific at helping me look realistically at the situation. I still choose to not maintain contact and it remains the right decision for me, but ending contact did not end the feelings.

Whether you decide to sever ties with your mom or remain in contact, remember that you don't have to make any life altering decisions today. You can take a break or a time out first and attend to your healing and in time you will know what to do. There's no rush or hurry. In time, you might find boundaries that work for you or a new way forward that you didn't expect or you may decide you need to let her go. Whatever the answer is for you, it is a deeply personal one that only you can make and live with.

When I look over the last decade of my life, I can see TREMENDOUS healing and growth on my part. Being in Alanon and getting additional help has truly been lifesaving and lifegiving. I have a good life and am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I can be honest today about my painful legacy, but it doesn't consume or define me.

Blessings,

BlueCloud

-- Edited by BlueCloud on Tuesday 13th of September 2011 08:54:48 PM

scholarlydragon · Member

The amount of healing I've experienced in the last year has been phenomenal. I went from terrible nightmares every night and contemplating suicide almost every day (not anywhere near the point of planning, but well into "what would happen if I wasn't here?"), and not even knowing why I was so depressed and had been for as long as I could remember. The depression simply got worse and worse. I had crawled down a deep hole of denial to avoid the pain of what I knew was waiting for me, should I ever turn and face it.

The wonderful man I am dating and his family have steadily and patiently (and sometimes forcefully) opened up the festering wounds in my psyche and freed the caged thing in the back of my mind. They did this even when I had no idea what they were doing because I was so far repressed that I couldn't let myself see what was going on because the reality hurt so much.

He has taught me how to have a functional relationship, that argument is not automatically a Very Bad Thing, and is sometimes healthy. I used to almost flee the room the moment anyone raised their voice. He has taught me how to face the pain that torments me and deal with it properly. And they have all taught me that family should be more than a broken home and angry words. That no matter how much you love someone, that doesn't excuse them treating you like dirt.

I know I am on the road to healing. I just wish fervently that there was a way to bring my mother and my siblings along the journey with me. But mom has to want to help herself and she just doesn't yet, and my brother and my sisters are still sunk in their own version of the denial that I have come out of.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Scholarly, I hope you can find some peace and continue to come to the boards. It saddens me to think you have to travel so far for a meeting because face to face really is where my healing has taken place. I hope you will call the hotline vs looking online. I found out tonight at a meeting we aren't even listed at this point the only way to find out about a meeting is to call the alanon hotline in the area.

Hugs again, P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.