Can I really get better while still in the same house?? - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

Can I really get better while still in the same house??

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found that it does because I do. For me it took diving into the program with two feet, getting a sponsor and be willing to work the steps. You can be happy joyous and free whether or not the alcoholic is drinking or not.

What I have discovered is that happiness is an inside out job. I am responsible for my attitude, actions, and inner being. Whether or not I am having a good day does not depend on if the AH drinks.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself this is just too damn hard to do alone and for me the answer to your question is YES it is possible to be happy living with an alcoholic regardless of what he is doing , work this program and you will be okay . Get your life back on track , renew old friendships work on new ones keep the focus on your needs Al-Anon will show u how to do that in a healthy and productive way .

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree about the meetings, go and check it out. It is to hard to do this alone and you don't have to because in all reality you are so not alone. You got some great ESH!! :) Hugs P :)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't actually look at it as turning a cheek. I think detaching is not about shrugging or living in denial. In fact in detachment I am fully aware what is going on.

You are only human of course you are yelling in your head.

I regulalry have small melt downs around the alcoholics/addicts I live with. The there are days when I can preserve more energy for myself.

I wouldn't necessrily say it gets "better". Alcoholism is a progressive disease after all. I would say it gets more manageable. I live around alcoholics and addicts who are definitely in their disease. They would like nothing better than for me to focus on them. I don't. I've been there and done that. I no longer focus on them. Am I aware what they are doing but being aware isn't hyper vigilance. i used to feel I needed to check up on an addict. In fact checking up did me little good at all. However I certainly do read the signs on the wall.

So overall it gets more manageable. Better might allude to the addcits/alcoholics getting better. Some of them do and some of them don't.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

For myself I have periods of really good coping skills with my A, and then something triggers me and I am full of rage, under control, but angry as all heck. Becz life could be so simple, peaceful, and happy, but for the fact that I have a spouse of 20 yrs who has multiple addictions. And yes I ask from time to time, well what is wrong with me???? So hang in there. All the alanon stuff is very helpful, be it people, books, the message board, etc. Lyne

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Forgive me, I neglected to give you a warm welcome. I am so glad you are here, MIP is a wonderful place, open 24 hours. Please stick around and get to know us awhile. You will find that there are so many of us here that understand your problems as few others could.

Thanks for introducing yourself. I am so glad you are here.

Sincerely,

Tommye

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kris))) Hi Kris and welcome to MIP. I have to agree with maresie - I don't think the situation gets ¨better¨. At least it hasn't gotten any better for my A who continues to drink. But it definitely gets more manageable. So I guess that does make the situation better - for me. Please read the posts here, and keep coming back. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you work the program and focus on you, YOUR life will get better. And remember - you are not alone.

kris10 · Senior Member

Thanks everyone!!!! Ugh... It's just been one of those days..(couple days) I find it really hard, this time of the month (sorry guys) to keep my mouth shut... But I'm trying!!! I've always been one to last back in words that I don't mean or would under "normal" circumstance never say... Then of course I feel bad later.. So I'm trying to skip that part.. Seems to only make thing worse anyways... Darn it anyways!! Why do I always feel like I need to put my 2 cents in?? lol

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris and welcome here :) I can only tell you how it is for me. Each day I wake up and decide to just live in today. I can't worry about tomorrow or dwell on yesterday. I have learned from alanon that I can choose my attitudes and if I am in a bad mood I can fake a good attitude (act) until I make it. I can remember to not react, because when I react things get bad. I have to remain calm. This program of spirituality teaches me about living with serenity and peace whether someone drinks or not. I am working on not getting upset anymore. I got a sponsor and I am working the steps. I live with my qualifier and he is active. I can say that since I began to work on me, things have gotten better and better. He drinks less and less and doesn't drink as often as he used to. He even went to a meeting with out me coercing him into going last week.

Take care of you :)
HUGS

rrib · Senior Member

Yes, it gets better.

This is all about your own recovery - getting well yourself, learning what you need to take care of your own emotional heath, learning what a healthy boundry is and being OK with setting healthy boundries.

It's less about 'turning a cheek' and more about not not sticking the cheek out there to be slapped anymore.

Glad your here.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and Welcome! (c:

There is no question, yes you can. What it take is work on your part to change you. Help you to see things in a different light.

I will give you an analogy first.

There is a bear that keeps getting into your garbage in late winter, its snowing and not easy for you to go pick it alll up again. You begin to hate the bear, frustrated by it. You want someone to come take it away!

Then you look out and see 2 scrawny cubs in the bushes waiting for mom! Oh she is a mom only trying to get her babies food! Well that changes everything. So you move the garbage into a closed shed.

Then later you drive your 4 wheeler and trailor 300 feet away. You leave all kinds of food that will last for months and months for the bears until spring comes and berries etc. become available.

Now you understand, you believe that it was not a vendetta against you of course, it was nothing personal. Getting mad was a waste of time and energy! You love the wildlife!Was not the bears fault. It is its nature to look for food.

Ok here is your A, you love him so much but his behavior is getting on your nerves, sometimes you are so frustrated you cannot stand it! Sometimes you want to strangle him and tell him to,"GET IT TOGETHER!"

You wonder why he is doing this to you, why doesn't he just stop? Does he love drinking that much????

I mean he acts retarded, like he has lost his sense, he is also not attractive.

Then someone hands you a book. "The Truth about the Addict." The first line says, Addiction is an incurable disease with many symptoms, it never goes away. The person has not chosen to want to keep using drugs above anything else. Does not choose to have these embarrassing, behaviors.

The person feels more guilt that non A's will feel in their life. They will lie, be selfish, manipulate to get what they crave. It has nothing to do with love. nothing.

The disease almost always kills them. Addicts have more cancers than non, their organs break down from the drug, their blood gets clogged up and they can die when these clogs block organs and muscles, including the brain.

They wake up wanting their addictive substance, they think ok I have the money, do I have gas in the truck, how will I get out of here to get it, then where will I go? So they have a few bottles of vodka stuffed around their truck and at home. working in the shop they go back and forth to the truck drinking.

The whole time thinking, how am I going to get money for more, where will I go, how will I.....this NEVER stops, never. Even when they go to rehab, a LOOOOONG one, 4 weeks, 6 weeks 12 weeks is NOT enough for most. They come home and do 90 AA meetings in 90 days, then continue the rest of their life to go as much as they can and need to. some make it a day, some make it 40 years. Some are clean while on program relapse then clean awhile and relapse.....

What are YOU going to do? For me when I learned all this and BELIEVED it, I knew it was not his fault. This man I have loved all my life is soo sick. Brain damaged, has a horrible incurable disease. He has done NOTHING to hurt me on purpose.

My heart broke and yet I felt so much better. As I realized it was no different than if he had a brain cancer, or behavior of a diabetic. I developed empathy for him. I learned the disease, his behavior, was none of my business. That if I chose to cont. to live with him, I had to detach 100% from his disease NOT my problem. Then love him, the man, the person I knew all my life. Sadly after awhile they change from the brain damage.

No matter, I enjoyed his body at home. When I got too upset by his behavior or saw it coming, I would say hey I am going to go read, or I am going out to brush Chief etc. which he saw me do all the time so he did not get it was cuz of the disease.

This is how we learn to live with them. for me it was thru love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in the Bible is MY experience. Its what I believe. Love is patient and kind, forgiving, does not keep account of the injury..love never fails.

I loved him enough to look in his eyes and see my husband who I adored, and was rotting away and turning into a monster.

I hate the disease, I love him, I have not seen him for years now, dream about him and the day after is pretty tough.

Anyway I hope this helps you. Others here helped me to come to this with the tools they shared with me and the love and patience. I don't know what I would do with out them.

Hoping you will keep coming, good for you working the steps, I promise if you keep searching and learn tools and use them, miracles will happen.

Love,debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris as far as the 2 cents, we all get frustrated mad even though it is a disease! that is normal. so when ya want to call a cab and hand him his underwear, give him a swift kick in the bum,

Just come here and let it out! WE understand, we know you love him but sometimes we want to just splatter them with our feelings! lol

hugs,debilyn

rosielee · Senior Member

i think every case if different. i cant say to you- yes its possible- because he might be a complete abusive nightmare and no one should be expected or encouraged to take abuse its up to you to set your boundarys and to think of what you want your life to be like.

I personally would be willing to live with an alcoholic if they are making their meetings and working on themselves and living a sober life.....that would be the bottom line. because no one should have to take it or live with it- and no one should bring another persons life down to such an extent where it makes it comeplete hellish.

so its up t your personal situation. i dont owe anybody anything- apart from my son whom i bought into this world- but i am not blackmailed r chained to anyone and shouldnt have to take anybodys drunken rages etc.......

rosielee · Senior Member

no one should be taking any abuse- any disrespect or bad behaviour. The drunk needs to know its not ok, detaching is a coping skill but surely not a treatment. the drunk should be encourages t get therapy or go to AA, and if that drunk refuses- but still makes their spouses life hell, then the spouse has a right to expect more of them.

My mum has been an alcoholic for years, and i accept her sickness and imperfections. and yes i detach- all the time- i wouldnt cope otherwise. but i will not take any abuse. and abuse can come in all sorts of insidious forms. if my mum is too disrespectful or nasty i will set the boundary and tell her- its wrong- i wont take it and its HER responsability to do something about it.

if i sat there and took her bad treatment like a victim it would be wrong to her- as she wouldnt be learning- we would both be caught in a viscious circle. you are trapped in circles as it is with alcoholics but you need to avoid going down a great bit spiral with them.

My stance on the matter is- if someone is a passive friendly drunk, then yes its possibly ok to live with- if you care about that person and love them. but if they are abusive then of course its not right. and no one deserves it and everyone deserves better.

rosielee · Senior Member

theres also a limit to how much you can go through for the sake of someone else.
yes- its in incurable disease but one which needs working on. if someone is actively trying to work n that disease then so be it- you can put up with failures as its a growing and learning curve.

I have t say.....my mum always gets forgiven...this is the bottom line with me. she is sometimes foul- nasty- yuck. and its wrong to not not react to this and to use detachment as your only coping mechanism. youve got to tell them its wrong- but i never turn my back on my mum- shed have to do somethign REALLY bad for me to do that.

my sister has turned her back on her - and its hurts her- shes nearly suicidal over it.

so i personally dont believe that ditching someone is a solution either.

but we have human rights, and when someones behaviour gets very bad, then i think you are very entitled to move into a spare room- move out for the week- and to get away from it- or leave that person altogether.

kris10 · Senior Member

thanks for your insight on this.. This is pretty much how I feel about the situation also.. Although some days it changes.. ha ha

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.