strength - Al-Anon Family Group

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

strength

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Tracy,

It sounds like this is really a difficult time for you. Sending love and support.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I read that you know what you need to do adn you want approval to do it, I also read that you have that approval within you.
You are strong.

I heard somewhere that if we loan someone money, and we never see that person again, it was money well spent.
I know you can't apply that here, but don't use the money as your reason.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment can be a tricky thing. However one tool I have used over the years that has been so helpful to me was to ask myself the following:

"Is it in MY best interest?"

Is it in my best interest helps me in that I am putting myself first. That is practicing self care. No one is going to take care of me. When I put myself first and make a decision, I usually don't have a resentment that follows because I made the conscious decision from a place of peace rather than guilt or the influence of others. Sometimes it has been helpful to give myself a little time and tell another person, "I'll have to get back to you on that" until I can think a little further if I am not clear as to what to do.

rrib · Senior Member

'... he was locked out of his mums ...'

Your not the only one who is setting boundries here. It's OK to look after yourself.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my roommates friends turned up on the doorstep recently with a similar "I need help" maxim. I don't doubt he stayed the night. Its pretty hard to turn someone away with that kind of issue.

Not answering the phone is one option. At one point with the ex A I turned off my phone. That was very hard because the airplane mode is hard to put back on. I alienated some people (job issues) because I had to do that. For some of us that kind of boundary needs to go down.

Setting boundaries around an alcoholic especially if they owe you money is a hard one. I do bleieve some of them hold that money stuff like a fishing rod. They know we'll hold out for it.

Personally I think you did very well. I know I felt persoanally responsible for the ex A for a long time. Getting to a point where I was not willing to be responsible anymore was a hard one.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It was so great to read how you acted like a mature adult and did not go into it or get into in front of your child!

Tells me a lot about you.

I do know how hard it is to raise kids alone, so can remember how much money means. Sadly trusting and A to really come through for me would be against nature.

If you feel you can keep your serenity and put distance between you two, that also shows maturity. You are using your program wisely.

He surely knows you don't want to be around him when he uses. You sound like you do not know right now if you want to have him back or not. That is good to know that.

So you don't want to be aggressive with him. Sounds like he is a person who will not hurt you physically. I can call my phone company and they can block whatever calls I need to be blocked.

Nothing says you have to answer your door. But I understand its hard if kiddo's are there. I gather he just walked in. I would keep doors locked. As he knows you do not want contact!

For me I will say hey lets go outside and talk. Allowing a person to come into my home, then letting them stay, is making the boundary confused.

I am willing to bet he has a key to him moms AND it may never have been locked in the first place.

My first thought was, manipulation.

With our clear heads, we would NEVER bother anyone who told us they do not want contact with us, and if they didn't answer our calls that would be a huge clue!

He must be very sick. We can be kind, but we also are learning not to "take care of them."

For someone to not leave, say they are waiting till son gets home at 3am in MY HOME, would not be tolerated. I did do that with my AH way back when, anytime he came I would welcome him in, think oh he wants to be with me again, make him breakfast and he'd leave and not see him for months. dumby me.

Once he came late at night, I look outside and they are towing his car! He parked in the neighbors yard!!!

Anyway you showed so much progress. I would invite you to use a great word in the English language, "no." See how that works.My Mother had to learn that and I did too!

Another guy came over drunk after my kids left home. He was a very cool guy, a teacher no less. He tried and tried to manipulate me to stay at my home. years before I allowed it all the time. He said he locked his keys in his truck. NOT expecting me to go look. NO keys in truck. Halloween night, kids all over, he is driving very drunk. Told him to get in his truck, drove him to his aunts not far away, told him B some of us grew up.

Gave his aunt the keys and said do not give these back to him. I thought he might come over the next day. but no.

Hey I get lonely too. These are men I love very much. But I grew up I guess. I didn't have Al Anon then, BUT I had learned to love ME.

anyway didn't mean to go on. I pray you get the $ you need! love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.