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Well, .. my AH has a history of doing things that affect the family with no regard of the big picture. The truck .. LOL .. that has been a theme and I'm really have got to get myself into some kind of dark comedy writing course or something. Off topic one of my girlfriends who rocks in ways I can't begin to describe, said to me the other day please please please write, I don't think you get how funny you really are. So I'm kind of wondering about doing a blog we'll see if I can keep it light and funny at the same time real. I'm just a real kind of gal. Gotta keep things real .. lol. I still have to work on getting to the dang point .. LOL.
So I'm going through clutter that has been left on top of the microwave cart and I find this request for a new job. Now the other day my AH said something that was so off the wall I didn't think much of it. He says these things in passing and I find out later I should have paid more attention to the subject at hand. This is his way of saying he told me. I really don't care that he applied for a better job it's the issue he never says a word to me about it. This goes all the way back to how we moved to his home town to begin with .. ugh.
I'm in a quandary of do I say something to him or not? I found his unused medication on top of the fridge in the cabinets there, this is how bad I guess I am that it's used against me in this way. I never said anything he wound up coming to me. I did leave it out on the counter and I let him be the one to get rid of it. The whole issue of secrets makes me feel more sad for myself than him really. This is something I'm really working hard to change. Getting my home in order is huge for me. No more hiding. The truck still sitting outside and my house clean are two ways I can track my healing .. lol.
He changed shifts as I was excelling at my last job and I finally had to quit because he went from second shift to first shift and we couldn't afford the childcare. Literally come summer and vacations I was upside down on childcare costs. There were other issues however that is a biggie. He did not tell me he was switching shifts until after the fact. Once someone bids a job if they are offered it they can't turn it down. Yes, I was so angry with him. This is not healthy behavior and I feel I have a right to say something.
I just know this is not done. Especially since he's feeling threatened about the fact I now am having a life.
Any ESH about anything similar?? I am just at a loss as to how to progress. I doubt I will say anything tonight, I'm going to sit with it for a bit and see where I am at in the AM.
Thanks P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I had to laugh because I have a husband that says things in passing too during hectic times like trying to get dinner ready and plated. A week later he tells me, I told you last week. Ahhh oh well bygones. I try to tune my ears in better. Sometimes when I am juggling at the end of a long day, it is hard to be present and hear passing comments.
What works for me when I need to bring to the surface ill feelings I have I always run it by my sponsor first. She knows me well enough to question my motives. Once I get the all clear she usually directs me to bring up the topic in the morning when everyone has had a good night sleep and we are fresh. I have found that using strong "I" statements such as keeping it simple on what I was feeling and now how my life looks like as a result of the decision that was made.
What I am hearing or sensing rather in your post is that it seems like perhaps this was a family decision that and your input wasn't included. It is safe to express that as a feeling. Think about talking this over and reasoning it out with your sponsor to see what she thinks. Timing is key to everything. If I had the talk at the end of the day when he is tired, I find he just doesnt hear me or want to be bothered with a serious conversation.
Oh honey, this was all family decisions that had no bearing on what I felt or wanted this is def a MO of his. This is an on going theme for him. Apparently he did this with his ex as well. He makes all of his major decisions by having a knee jerk reaction and never says a word about it to me until the situation is presenting itself. These are things I DO remember .. LOL. Finding out you are moving 1200 miles away from home to his state. I didn't care so much because I am a tumble weed in a lot of ways, free spirit. It's done as a passive aggressive thing .. there is no question about it. That is what upsets me so much about this situation is he's totally playing out his addict/acoa behavior in this situation. I'm at a total loss as to how do I deal with it. It is part of who he is and I sure can't control it however I def do not like it. Next time the moving van pulls up and there is no word his butt will be going alone. I haven't said anything. I did run it by my sponsor. I'm still kind of ify about it all. I know I have a right to say something, I also know I've been being controlling about the truck issue and there of course MORE to the truck story .. LOL!! So I'm trying to do a semi step 4 and 5 without being IN step 4 and 5. It's not easy to do. I'm starting to understand the process of moving through the steps even if we aren't really there yet.
He has concerned me with the fact that he's made comments about the kids school about pulling them out and I watch that issue because no way Jose .. we will come to serious issues with that .. it's an extremely strong boundary issue for me. That is the ONLY stability those kids have, we don't own our home, the drinking crap they pay for and so on, that school has been there for them and me as well. The only way those kids leave that school is if we leave the state is how strongly I feel about it.
What really bothers me so much is his selfishness and entitlement issues that are so prevalent in his attitude. I know I'm selfish, I'm an only child (that's not a get out of jail free card), sharing I struggle with and listening to other people is hard as well. My way or the highway, and that's def part of being an only for me. I'm grateful that my kids have each other they have learned so many life lessons I did not get the opportunity to learn at that age. Do you know something I have discovered about myself and I had a really good laugh about it today. I'm learning to work with others via facebook games. Who said facebook has no value?? LOL? Funny how the social games make you share .. LOL. My daily goal in one game is to make sure I am out of gifts by the time it resets. That is REALLY hard for me. I have caught myself saying oh what if, and gone crap it's a flipping game and just like life I only get back what I give!! LOL!?
Thanks for the feedback .. I'm going to have to sit with this some more I think .. thank goodness I have a house project to put my mind on scan with and hopefully I will hear my HP when He checks in with me about this issue. In no way will this freak me out any more like it did yesterday .. lol .. a good nights rest was really in order.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
i think whats happening is he has trouble not giving into his impulses? he didnt think to consult you- because his needs came first? so he sounds like he has impulse behaviour? and maybe a lack of empathy and consideration too? i dont know...but if this was the case it wouldnt surprise me. im not supposed to give advice.....so i cant tell you what to do. wouldnt anyway as i there is no way to tell whats going on really in just a few lines.
but i can say that i get impulse behaviour with my mum- and it causes HUGE problems...like she keeps writing her feelings down in letters and posting them...and she says nasty things without haing the forethought to imagine what havoc its going to cause. but what it worse...is that even though she has broken friends with so many people and family members because of it- she still does it
but i think - for me- its a case of kindly ramming it home- "you need your meetings" and to really break it down for them- and spell it out- each time it happens.
is he prickly against criticism? or does he perceive any communication about this as a criticism?
I can't really pretend to know what he is thinking, because I don't know. I can speculate that he is so fearful of any kind of confrontation good or bad (ACOA), that instead of dealing with any situation head on he deflects. Perfect example .. he mows 4 yards including ours. Ok, instead of going to our landlord, who he verbally agreed to do this for, he doesn't do it and he doesn't communicate that he's decided to stop. Now personally I don't find that to be fair, and I have really tried .. lol .. sometimes with success to not say something after making one statement about any given situation. I did say .. would be good to say something to so and so that you don't have time to mow the lawns? I try to phrase away from the "you should" statements, however I can't make him go and talk to the neighbor. He is pulling the same thing with his mother as well. She's an active A who has health issues. I know he's spoken to her on the phone (not often I know that), however it's been weeks maybe months since he's been over there. So there is such history here and I am trying like crazy to keep the focus on myself. I don't see how I have a part in this behavior, because that is totally on him and has nothing to do with me. Now he will try and say it does, however I've never told him don't go to your mom's, don't mow the lawn blah blah blah. If he is thinking that or rationalizing it's totally on him. Everything with him is all or nothing and I do believe that is part of the addiction behavior. That's how he approaches decisions such as job changes there is no forethought and you better believe he's made up his mind to do what he wants when he wants and to heck with me. I don't see that as impulsive as I do recognize it as passive aggressive. If you know you are making a decision that could have negative repercussions on your primary relationship and choose to do it anyway? Really? I mean that's about control, manipulation and so on.
I have my own issues .. lol .. I have no doubt. Which I think that is hard to I know I'm addressing my issues and there is that part of me that knows he's not and I have to accept that part of things. It's very hard to deal with someone who is stuck in a teenager mode for lack of a better term. I'm also trying like crazy to be respectful about things and again not easy to do. I have days I do better than others. Today has been more challenging than others. I try and make a list of what I like about my AH so I can remember more clearly what I do really enjoy about him. This weekend it was all I could do to remind myself he is one of God's creations and deserves my compassion.
The impulsive stuff was def when he was on meds he had zero impulse control. I was grateful he went off of them I don't think we'd be together and I def don't think he'd be alive if he were still on them. That's when his drinking escalated and he made all kinds of crazy decisions, DUI, just all out crazy behavior up at 3am exercising, sleeping for 2 hours and then just a jerk to be around. He will admit he did not care at that point about anything not even himself. DUI saved my marriage .. never thought I could say that.
I did go ahead and ask him, lol .. I was good and wore out which was good it keeps me short and to the point. I made a statement about him applying for a different area of job. Of course I got the huh? LOL .. really? Is what I'm thinking .. lol. I didn't ask a question because I know the answer, the statement worked much easier for me. He started to accuse me of going through his "stuff" umm .. no you leave your crap out and I'm needing to know if I should pitch it or not that's not my problem. He doesn't want me to find stuff throw it out or put it away. It's very simple. Anyway, I didn't say that part about simple .. LOL. I did ask him if I should be concerned for anything coming down the pipe as far as job changes and he said not at this time soooo we'll see. I also said I would have enjoyed hearing about the job from him instead of finding out months later that he had decided to apply to something. It actually sounded like a neat job and I told him that too. It's hard telling. I hope that opened up some lines for communication I wasn't rude or I don't think I was .. lol??
thank you for your response, just knowing people are here makes thing easier. Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
