Linda, I can tell you that from his perspective, all he is focused on is getting high because the drug is that powerful. He would probably fish a joint out of a pile of dookie to smoke it if he had to so hiding around the corner of the house from you is nothing. In the end, he got to smoke and get high and you are not gonna dump him.

This is how I was about my drinking. As long as I could not have my relationship end over it, not lose my job, not get arrested....it was all good and the chaos and bullcrap that went along with being owned by a substance were secondary to me just getting drunk.

So, while it would seem that the image of him all hunkered down and trying to get a smoke in is really disturbing. It is not to me because I fully understand that an active addict can and will push all of that out of their mind because getting high or drunk is all that matters at that time.

I was showing these behaviors when I was 12 and I would climb out of the basement window of my parent's house, wear a glove on my hand to mask the smell, take perfume with me, and smoke cigarettes while hiding behind the house. For some of us this hiding and using substances is a deeply ingrained behavior and it relates to the shame that addicts feel about themselves and their using to begin with.

Not sure if this helps, because in the end, the behavior is selfish and destructive, but I guess it might help to hear what he might be thinking cuz I don't believe it's about fooling you or being sneaky as much as it is about him being ashamed of his own using but still wanting to do it so badly.

Mark

He is doing what an active addict does. It's nothing personal. He is not deliberately trying to upset you.

You're making progress. You don't have to be perfect, nor can you be.

Take good care of you and start treating Linda well. Ignore the old habitual thinking patterns. Let them come and go. Recognize they are only thoughts, not reality.

Hey we say progress not perfection! You did great.

Here is the downfall hon.

You set a boundary, no smoking when you are with me at the house. Does that mean when you are home, he is not to smoke there? Just clarifying.

Ok what is the consequence if he does? With every boundary there is a consequence. Has to be or it is an empty boundary.

ex: If you smoke when I am at home, please sleep on the couch. Or if you smoke when I am at home, I will sleep on the couch.

ex: Some will tell them, you smoke when I am at home, then please go to a hotel.

ex: If you smoke when I am at home again, please decide, it's me or the pot.

Whatever we do for a consequence we must stick to it.

Of course we must make them something we can stand behind.

He shows the sign of addiction. I am not qualified to tell you except my experience.

They lie because they are driven to their addiction. There is nothing more important to them than that. They will steal money from their children to buy it. It's the first thing they think of when they open their eyes from sleep!

Again it is NOT personal! He is very, very sick! You love frangipanis spell oops, would you give them up for him? Of course you would. But he cannot give up smoking for you. He cannot. It's that strong.

It's a horrible disease. They are predisposed by genetics to be an addict.

Again to detach, we do it with love. He is going to lie, he is going to smoke. He more than likely will do it again even if you say one more time and you are out of here. It's like telling someone not to have cancer or don't be a diabetic.

He will always be an addict there is NO cure. He may get to a place where he cannot stand to live like this anymore. He may do anything to stop. AA, Na, drug counseling, rehab anything to stop.

Once he starts losing he license, his career, home, you vehicle, he may get low enough to get help.

We pray for a long recovery plan, they make to fit them. Relapse is part of it all sadly. Does not mean it will be a day later week or many, many years. Most do relapse.

This is why for me I accepted him as is. Drunk, sober for a month, whatever. It did no good for me to react to anything. It's HIS life!

I would say I would still be with my AH if he had not been so brain damaged from surgery.It's one thing to live with a drunk, another to be physically abused. I did not put up with it.

I was a strong woman. I grabbed him by the collar and thru him out the door the first time he was physically abusive. It was not that big a deal what he did, but it was headed that way.

Trouble was his brain damaged worsened becuz he was drinking so hard. So the last time I had to let go.

Hope this strikes somewhere in you .I know you are struggling! We asked you if you have read,"Getting Them Sober?" wrote it a million times and the author wont' come to me...gads I am almost 59.....dang I will remember....OH thank goodness we can edit lol, Toby Rice Drew.

I am telling you it is the best book I ever read that helped me with learning about Addiction. Don't get caught up in what they use either. An Addict is an addict no matter if he is a pot head, alcoholic, heroin user, meth, crack, cocaine, ecstacy, paint whatever!!!

We can't change them, we can only change us. hugs, debilyn in Oregon USA

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 11th of September 2011 12:51:32 PM

My boundary around him smoking when I am at home at the same time as he is, is that if I don't want to, I will not engage with him if he is smoking.

THis I followed through with and he did not have me to talk to or hold the hand of, or make dinner for him or anything else last night.   I did not want to talk to him or be involved wiht him because he sneaked aorund and I believe that is the same as lying to me.  He hesitated far too long before saying something adn to me that says he was contemplating not telling me.

I thought we were passed this bit of it but obviously I was wrong. 

I have to get back on my wagon and keep reminding myself I can never let my guard down, I can never sit back and take a deep breath and believe he is following through, I just have to live with this until I decide I am not living with this anymore. which is on the horizon and right back on the table with a candle in the middle of it.

I was actually starting to look forward to my wedding anniversary in one weeks time.... I felt I was being listened to and I told him that.... well he must have thought he has done his quota of good deeds

I understand fuly the shame and guilt and that would be EXACTLY what he was feeling...

I feel that I did stick to my boundaries.  He overstepped the mark.

What I am unsure about it why did I react like that?  Why did I get so hurt?  I think I have been trying to work on myself and I let my guard down.  It was like the hurt started all over again.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

I did so well and the day was so good REGARDLESS of him smoking while fishing... that I just didn't see it coming at me.  I thought things were going well and he finally was GETTING it and meeting me half way.

I want to swear and yell and scream at that monster for coming out to play yesterday.  I wanted to enjoy the end of a wonderful weekend with my husband, he wanted to enjoy the end of a wonderful weekend with his first love.

Naturaly I suppose.

I feel I have been working really well

Reading this board isn't the only thing I do.

I read, I contemplate, I put into action what I can and I have made great progress for me.

I also have my spiritual stuff that I do and am getting back into lately.  I have been to see a spiritual guide and have more to follow.

Slowly slowly catchthe monkey as they say.

I guess  I just really suprised myself at how much I reacted and how quickly.  He gave me a good reminder to not rest on my laurels.

I think I put my boundary in place, he knew the boundary or he would not have snuck around and attempted to lie.  I followed through with my consequence of disregarding him.  If he wants to smoke then he gets to spend time with that, not me.  I was there next to him watching the movie, but I did not engage with him.  I made my own dinner and went to bed and did some meditation.  Which I did again after getting back up and coming to this board. 

As people have said, I can only do what I can do. 

I don't think it's good to think of the pot as his first love. That sets you up to be in competition with it and that makes it about you more than it has to be. It's his addiction...plain and simple.

Like so many others said, progress not perfection.  Just keep doing the next right thing.  We all go bottoms up sometimes.

For me personally detachment took a good long leg of feeling like I wasn't getting that much out of it for a long time.  I still stumble around.

I'm reminded all the time how good many an alcoholic/addict are at "acting".  That's why so many of them are inthat profession!  I know for so many of them their survival is being able to act as if.  For me sometimes other people have to point out the reality because I'm always ready to see the pictures they paint (and they are quite talented at it).

Living, working, being around any alcoholic addict is hard work.  I don't t hink it is seamless in any way.  I also know even profesisonals feel manipulated, lied to and resentful.  Why would anyone expect not to be "caught" at certain times.  Getting to the expectations that works for you can be very hard.  I have spent years, arguing, feeling betrayed, grieving, ranting about what alcoholics do.  Now I expet them to put "using" first.  Everything else comes second.  That's the nature of their disease.  That doesn't mean they "want to" it means until they address their illness that's what's reality.

 

Maresie.