The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a question earlier about how to determine if your sponsor is helping you or hurting you.
Now I need to know how to best deal with running into her in future meetings. We go to the same meeting one day a week and I will not stop going to that meeting. She has been in the program for many,, many years so she knows a lot more people than I do in that program. I've only been in it about 2 years but was not an active member all that time. She also has several leadership positions in some meetings in the area.
It's said in each meeting that there "should be no gossip about one another, etc." but I know it's not true because people sure talk about other people!!! Which is why I avoided having a sponsor for so long cause people gossip so much!!!
How do I deal with this aftermath? I feel very uncomfortable because she knows many details about my personal life so I feel vulnerable know. I know we can't control that but geeez, there must be a way to end this w/out people having to worry that their former sponsor is going to "oops" forget that what I told her was confidential.
This is kind of my two cents so take what you like about it. Yes, there are cases that gossip happens, however I think that you might be reading to much into it. Again that's just my perspective. You are right people can and do gossip for the most part though the integrity of the program is upheld to the highest level. I have read over and over again that gossip doesn't make people feel good about themselves especially if they are really working their program. I wouldn't let it worry me to much though because as you've said she's an established member so I would hope she would follow through on the traditions as well as the steps. Put your best foot forward and continue to work your program and I hope you will try and find another sponsor. Be positive that everything is going to workout fine. Sponsors are people and not perfect, however everyone knows that for whatever reason maybe it's just not a good fit. It's not about a personal attack the relationship just isn't working out.
Hugs, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I found that alanon is truly is a fellowship of equals . Although I thought I was extremely unique and different from everyone else, I was proved wrong. We have all been effected by the disease of alcoholism so that the tools of the program are extremely important If you enjoy this meeting I would suggest that you request that the group hold a business meeting to discus living by the traditions and removing gossip and criticism from the meeting room.
Your post reminds me of my early lesson on projecting, fear and "love anyway". At one time I projected into the future so often one would think I was a practicing fortune teller. I thought I knew what would happen and how and such...unreal and then the lesson on fear was about unreal too. False Evidence Appearing Real...the stuff that rattled around in my head which my head was telling me was true and it was just my head...not facts. Love anyway started with learning how to love my alcoholic/addict wife unconditionally and then learning that is the way I'm to love everyone...God's will.
See her at a meeting give her a "best" hug. ((((hugs))))
It has been my experience that gossip is the best way to kill a meeting or a group for that matter. I am fortunate for having a group that seems to have been fairly healthy for years. We are all human. We don't mean to harm one another.
On the flip side of your topic I have had the opposite happen to me. I had a sponsee divulge quite a few personal details about me and my AH in a very public way outside the meeting. She left the group however I was deeply hurt and it affected how I shared in meetings and with sponsees. That experience shrunk my world and I had to get in touch with the anger and grief as a result of it because we were quite close. It took about two years for me to see the other side, gratitude, for the experience.
For me it boils down to take it one meeting at a time. I have asked my HP to keep me safe when sharing in meetings and only have me share parts of my life that will be useful to others. A friend of mine in AA tells me, trust God, clean house, and serve others. I try to keep it that simple. In that way, I can continue to share ESH and trust that my HP will take care of me.
I had agreat sponsor who really helped me to learn the programme, however after a couple of years I realsied that our relationship was becoming unhelthy she started to give me advise. Then I was doing a service postion and began to dsee she was not stiking to traaditons etc. They say have someone sponsor you who you want to be like who is working the programme. I am very grateful to my first sponsor but i out grew this relationship. It did end on not such a good note and I left my home group which I regret. However I could never leave al anon and have another home group in fact I go to lots of dirfferent meeting but two regularly.. Once i was feeling better I returned to my old group and have visited on a couple of occassions I just act as if nothing has happened and be polite with my ex sponsor. I have looked at my part and I did put her on a peddlestool which she fell from we are all only human doing the best we can even old timers are laerners one day at a time .
Stop caring and stop worrying about people talking about you. Focus on going and getting the help you need. Focus on making new supports. In other words, keep the focus on you!
As I stated in my own posts, this is harder than it sounds but you gotta pray to stay focused on yourself and also recognize you are powerless over your ex-sponsor talking or gossipping about you. And besides "If" that happened, it would be a reflection on HER bad character and not yours.
There is a woman in a community volunteer group I am part of that likes gossip; I started out being friendly towards her as usual but, since I have overheard her starting sentences with "well, you know what I heard...." in a whispery conspiratorial type of voice on more than a few occasions, I do not associate directly with her if humanly possible. I will be polite, but leave the area when she approaches. I am anticipating being questioned by our leader sometime in the future about my "cold" treatment of this woman at which time I will share my observations. I cannot stop her from being a part of the group, but I can walk away and not engage. She asks what I consider to be totally inappropriate questions, snoopy questions and I am sure that the questions are to either #1 gather ammo for the next gossip session or #2 fill up the silence (she seems to have great difficulty dealing with silent moments). Because of my observations of her, I do not trust her at all; if she is gossiping about someone else to another, then she will use any info I give her in some other conversation with someone else. no thanks, don't wanna be a part of that immature game.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks all for your responses. They were all different and give me some good ideas about how to deal with this. I do think everything will be ok. Being part of al anon has reminded me that some of us are always expecting the other shoe to drop so that's why I think the way I do.
One thing I do now to combat this it to give it all to God. The burdens may be too hard and my mind might be spinning 100 miles an hour. I just can't take it anymore so I remember what God wants me to do. Give it all to Him!
When I first got into 12 step meetings I knew people who didn't know boundaries. Some people don't. Some people don't know where they end and others begin. For some 12 step meetings that is the case.
I do know that eventually someone else becomes the source of gossip. There is always something going on that they can talk about. Some people, indeed the alcoholics who I live around, actually "make up" stuff about other people. They make up criminal records, incacerations and they act like they have special contacts who can fill them in on everything.
I think its a good sign that you can see the sponsor doesn't have boundaries. For some of us when we get here, we do indeed encounter people who have not recovered. In some ways your being able ot see that boundaries are an issue is such a healthy sign. I can understand that we all want the best meeting, the healthiest enviornment and more. What's healthy is when we can"see" it isn't.
