I aksed him to go. Now he's angry and i'm devasted - Al-Anon Family Group

bellaellaella · Newbie

I aksed him to go. Now he's angry and i'm devasted

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Bella,

Are you attending face to face alanon meetings because you don't have to be alone especially during this difficult time. Please consider going to a meeting in your area the sooner the better. Living with an active A is not easy on any level. You have to take care of yourself. You will find in meetings as well as on the boards there are many wonderful people who are in all levels of relationships as well as all levels of healing. The best thing about the meetings is the fact there is love, support and understanding. You are not alone in anything that you are feeling in this moment. While our stories may differ the core issues are always the same. Loving and living with an addict and trying to survive. The great thing is you can do more than just survive you can live a fulfilling life.

Hugs P :)

jewel91 · Member

Girl, I totally feel you!

I just kicked my husband out (again) yesterday. It is hard. It's hard on you, it's hard on him. But really what choice do you have? Who in there right mind would continue to allow a crazy people to stay in their house and give them hell simply because your there to abuse. I feel like maybe now he'll understand (a little bit) that you won't continue to put up with BS. Don't be devasted, you deserve respect and to protect you and your feelings. When he calls back sober, and wants to come home, maybe ya'll can discuss what the problem really is and he'll be interested in hearing you out and getting help for his problem. I'm pretty new to list board too and don't have any Al-anon mtgs in my area, so I'm no knowledgable expert. But I wish I could get my husband to agree to go to a inpatient treatment facility, AA or even marriage conseling.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You say, "I know he can't do anything without support." The Three C's of Al-Anon are that we didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it and we can't Control it. The support that might help him recover are those of his Higher Power and the rooms of AA. No single human can make him quit or convince him to quit. We are not that powerful. If we were, there would be no alcoholics in the world.

So I think the phrase "turning your back on him" is a misstatement of the facts. He is a person with a severe problem that only he can get help for. The rooms of AA are open and he can walk in any time. He can get a sponsor and start working the steps. He can learn about recovery. If he is not doing any of those things (or going at recovery from another rehab or formal program), then he is not working to recover. It took me a long time to watch his actions and not his promises. It took me even longer to come to the acceptance that is fundamental to Al-Anon: I am powerless over whether he drinks. However much I want to be supportive, I am powerless.

When I tried to separate from my alcoholic, I'd think, "But he'll never recover without me! He'll be homeless!" and so on. What was really going on was that I was as addicted to him as he was to alcohol. It was hidden from me, but it was the truth. I had to go to work on my own addiction. I would panic at the idea of being without him, though being with him was miserable.

I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting, learn all you can about alcoholism and codependence (being addicted to the alcoholic) there and on these boards, and sit tight for the miracle. Hugs to you.

CUrbs83 · Member

Omg Bella I am completely walking in your shoes!! You are not alone!! I wasn't married, but my bf of a year and a half binge drank. He'd be dry for 3 weeks and TO THE DAY on the fourth week he'd binge for 2-3 days straight. It was awful. He has been sober for 5 months now but still has the same exact behavior he did when he was drinking: lying, cheating, untrustworthy....so I broke it off. I had had enough. He lives 10 mins from me and we lived together at one point. Last night he broke down and said, this beer is for you....I stayed strong. I said God will take care of him. I feel awful, like I hurt him for leaving b/c he was closest with me than anyone, and it seems that he has no one. In reality, he did this to himself. He had choices and he made the wrong ones. I go to al-anon and individual counseling. My counselor says the addicts have to hit rock bottom and a wall. My ex hit his rock bottom when going to jail for 10 days, and he's facing 120 days at the end of the month. He now has to hit a wall to realize he can't treat people (i.e. his gfs) the way he does. I have the bricks, now I'm building the wall. He's hurting hard, emailing me, sending me songs...I'm sure flowers are on their way soon, but you have to do what's best for you!!! I'm having a hard time today, with it being the weekend and I'm alone right now, but I gotta stick to it. Think...you're miserable with him, right? Stressed, that sick twisting feeling in the pit of your stomach, the tears when he binges, the worry....that's permanent if you stay with him. It's only temporary when you leave him. With support of al-anon, friends and family, you will pull through. Stay strong!!!! xoxo

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it is selfish to have had enough. Everyone has their limits.

Maresie.

scotslass · Newbie

hi hun i left my husband 2 years ago i had to go as i was going to end up having a nervous breakdown with the stress of his drinking and abuse when drunk, STAY STRONG its really really hard but you have to live your own life he is not a child and HE chooses to drink and treat you this way x YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS AND YOU DESERVE BETTER XX

rrib · Senior Member

When I demanded my now ex-wife choose between alcohol and me, she moved out and took a full time job tending bar.

Well ... at least I got a clear answer. smile

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My now ex used to accuse me of not supporting him - he didn't see me continuing to work myself exhausted, keep the bills paid and managing to keep the house livable while he played on unemployment as being supportive. Because I wouldn't go with him when he supposedly went to AA (I believe it to be a solitary journey especially at first) I was not supporting him (though I was paying his bills completely because he'd run out of unemployment, but thats not being supportive (HUH?)).

There's a saying "God helps those that help themselves". I can support someone who is really trying to help themselves but I can't carry them, my back is older than my heart!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd echo that. At one point even when I left the ex A I supported him, paid all his bills, arranged accomodations for him, dealt with his phone calls several hours a day.

His most common refrain was that I didn't support.

Eventually when I took the dogs from him (because he didnt' take care of them) He challenged me that I loved the dogs more than I loved him.

That kind of demand is to be expected.

maresie.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here :)
The board is a great place to find your way to alanon rooms. The board here helped me get to meetings. When I started going to meetings I found a sponsor and people to call to help me through the tough times. This is what is said at the beginning of alanon meetings, that we can get the support we need there to have serenity whether they drink or not. Try out some meetings, read the books like One Day at a time in alanon, Courage to change and the AA big book. Its a disease, not a choice. We have the same disease, we just use a different thing to help us forget our pain. They use a substance and we use people who create chaos and give us our adrenalin rush that we crave. Things I try to do to help me focus on me: meetings, call my sponsor, post on the boards whats helping me, and reading the literature. I also remember to not react. I have begun to remain calm. I try to use positive thought and prayer to help me through hard things. Life on life's terms. I try to live in the now and not in the future or the past.
Alanon can help you gain the spiritual tools to find serenity and peace no matter if they drink or not. Take care of you :) HUGS!

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