The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I haven't posted in a bit because I've been out of town. I'm back now and have a couple things to put out there. I'm really hoping to get to a meeting or meetings this week because I really need the support.
I joined Alanon and this group primarily because of my pain at the end of a 3-yr relationship with an alchoholic addict boyfriend. Like so many of us, I realized I needed this for myself to address the family disease of alcoholism more than I needed it just for dealing with the breakup. I feel really good about my progress, but still shaky, and I'm feeling a lot of stress right now.
My ex called me, said all the things I wanted to hear for so long, and wanted to come over. I wanted him to come over more than anything, wanted to believe all those things he said, BUT I have learned a few things now and I now know I need to take better care of myself. I have to protect my own heart and be smart. It's actions, not just words that I would need from him and I have made a solid bottom line for myself. I don't want to spend any more time together if he doesn't take his sobriety seriously, doesn't know what he wants from a relationship with me and doesn't want to get serious. I'm not falling into that trap again. I told him so with as much loving detachment as I could. I haven't heard back from him.... I wish I wasn't so disappointed, but I do know I did the right thing and that makes me feel good. I protected myself like I know I needed to do.
I'm still going through the roommate drama. Yes, as a professional adult I am having ridiculous roommate drama and I feel like it's high school. I asked my friend (so I thought) and roommate to move out with as much loving detachment as I could. I knew that she was not a good influence for my recovery (negative, judgemental, problem drinking, not respectful) and I needed my own peaceful, positive space in my home. It wasn't working for me and I gave a very flexible time frame, tried to remain on friendly terms. I feel she has turned around on the attack and spit in my face. I am trying to practice all my Alanon lessons and principles, but I am having a terrible time taking it deeply personally.
I guess I'm taking the double loss pretty hard and I'm very confused about being treated like this. She even said she knew we were incompatible and that she'd thought about moving out, but then she's furious that I asked her to move. I guess I see it as a kind of defense mechanism for her, but it still really hurts me. I guess this is when I find out who my true friends are and I do have a lot of very good friends. I don't need to be treated this way and I'm very much looking forward to the whole episode being over. She's just being so unclear - She said she was going to be completely moved out by tonight but there's still a bunch of stuff here. She hasn't paid her rent or utilities or given back her key. Ideally, I'd like to put the rest of it out on the driveway and change the locks, but I'll see what seems right tomorrow after I've had a chance to sleep on this latest round of disrespect. I keep reminding myself - you can't nail jello to a tree!
I'm also stressed because my parents are in town and I've been basically offered a job in another town and I have to decide this weekend whether to quit my job, move and start a new life somewhere (yikes!!). Easy does it....
All of this is really taking all the strength I have, especially how I feel over losing my boyfriend and roommate friend. I feel guided by a small but strong light and the strongest desire to build a happy, healthy life for myself. This may mean separations from people who are not good for me and I pray for the strength to get through that one day at a time....
Any words of wisdom and ESH would be most welcome! I'm so thankful for this board. I really needed to share this with some safe, supportive people tonight. Thanks all.
Sorry for the way things turned out. When it rains, it pours. The good thing is that the rainbow will come and things will be fine again. This is only a test to develop character. Sometimes our Higher Power removes our crutches so we can depend solely on him. I can understand your pain. It is a loss and grief follows any type of loss. Yet, you are in good hands because you have moral support here. If it us meant for those two individuals to be in your life, they will return later in a much more healthier way. At the moment, your time is for YOU to heal and restore yourself. It is impossible to heal around sick people. Enjoy your peace and serenity. When things get though, get back here quickly.
When I began my journey of recovery I too lost a few friends along the way. Just as you said as I began to change it was no longe comfortable to be around people who were critical, judgemental, or those who like to gossip. I discovered that I no longer had a connection with them and it hurt when I lost those close friendships.
Today I have found new and appropriate friends with whom I treasure. Mostly they are face to face friends in my Alanon homegroup and other groups in the city. I suppose my HP guided me to these people because we have a terrific time together. It takes time but the rewards will be great. I feel like my HP needed to take those toxic people out of my life because I had the willingness and desire to change.
Trust that strong guiding light. You cant go wrong with your HP leading the way.
((( Doozy))), Wow, you sure are dealing with a lot right now, no wonder you're feeling stressed. But you're making great progress. You want a better, healthier life for yourself and you're doing what it takes to make that happen. Of course that's easier said than done. But you ARE doing it! Keep coming here and talkiing to HP. I hope you can get to a meeting soon too. Sending hugs and support.
I am so sorry this is such a difficult time for you. In what you have shared on the boards I see and hear such tremendous strength in your program and healing. I am constantly saying to myself (W.I.M.P.) What Is My Part (Thank you Jen!!)? If I can see what my part is and I have done what I need to do to correct my own behavior then that of someone else's is so not my issue. At that point it stopped being personal, and started being about what I could and could not control, which of course the only thing I can control is how I choose to react to life and situations that are thrown at me on a day to day basis.
The anxiety of this situation is going to pass based upon how you choose your recovery tools. It can get larger (perspective) or maybe it's just allowing feelings to process and seeing that 18 inches from the head to the heart is a LONG ways to travel.
On the flip side WOW .. congrats!! What a great paradox to be in as far as deciding on a new job!!! Give that over to your HP and see what is going to workout for you!! I will admit I find the irony of the situation, it does seem like you have been presented with an easy fix to your situation. Roommate has to go if there is no where to live. Ex has to move on and can't drag you back into his drama if you are located far away. It's a lot to think about, however whatever you do it's going to be with the guidance of your program and what is best for you!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was with the ex A for 7 years desperate for a commitment. When he felt me slipping away he offered to marry me so offhandly I was taken aback. He threw that one our there to hook me in. Thankfully it was probably the most ambivalent proposal I'll ever have.
I don't know that I had many bottom lines in my life. Usually it was that something triggered so much pain I had to act on it.
I think expectations are everything. I've seen a couple of people move out of the house I live in. I doubt any of them behaved like mature adults. Maybe one was adult about it. I think moving, especially being asked to move brings up a lot of stuff for most people. Abandonment being one of them. Furthermore, someone who isn't considerate about living isn't going to be considerate about leaving. Of course when its come to that point all we want is for someone to go. I've had to ask rommmates to leave before (that was when I had my own apartment to do that with). Even when it was absolutely obvious that it wasn't working they acted like I had hurt them in some way. I had one roommate who always paid late (I depended on that money) and was astonished when I said this isnt' working for me! Why did he think I was renting a room in the first place?
Change is very tough for most of us. I find change very very challenging. For me I'm only willing ot change things when what I have been doing is so non funcitonal I simply can't do it anymore. By then I'm in a place of darkness which isn't exactly the greatest place to make change from.
Thank you all so much for your responses. It's been so immensely helpful. Rrib, I needed to hear that brutal honesty - I think you're completely right! Maresie, you're completely right that an inconsiderate roommate will be inconsiderate on the way out. Hawaiilover, tommyecat, pineapple, pushka, all of your responses were so encouraging for me in a tough time. This is a step in the right direction. It's tough, but it's my Higher Power at work....
Girlfriend, all of the good things you have happening in your life you have worked sooo hard!! You are soooo worth it keep up the good work!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
