The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are times most days when I would give a lot to be away from the addicts I live with and have to deal with.
Watching them progress in their disease from whatever vantage point is not pretty. These days however I do have boundaries. I do have perspective. I do have self preservation.
I didn't have those things before. I felt absolutely responsible for everyone else but me.
Now that topy turvy notion is gone. At the same time I'm not in denial. I can see the progression of this disease and know its deadly. I know where they are headed, I'm just not willing to go along that road with them anymore.
There will be a time when this poverty is behind me (I've increased my income lately) and I no longer have to share with addicts/alcoholics. In some ways being surrounded by alcoholics and addicts forced me to learn boundaries well. If I didn't have boundaries I'd be sinking with them. I know people who are. They feel betrayed, lied to, lost. I don't. My expectations of any addict is that they will be one. I've lost that naivete and denial I once held onto like an iron fist.
Really I would not wish this disease on anyone but I also cherish the recovery. Having boundaries after not having them most of my life is a real gift. Self preservation is a gift. Having goals and achieving them is a gift. I'm working on not expecting too much from myself. I am also working on not over reacting. I did this week but then I brought it back to reality. If I wasn't around alcoholics who are destroying themselves maybe I wouldnt' have the same perspective.
I no longer miss the ex A at all. There were some great things about our life. There were also by the end utter chaos, misery and desolation. The disease absolutely took him over and he sucumbed to it. He may not have died physically but there was nothing but a shell of a person left. He'd steal, lie, sabatage and do whatever he needed to in order to keep on using. I dont' doubt he did but I was no longer willing to be a witness to it. I don't need to find out why or where. I know where the disease goes to...death.
Today is a day I can acknowledge this is a path rather than a dead end. I can see I've made progress even though I've a long way to go ahead. My goal is not to live around addicts but I don't doubt in some fashion there will always be some in my life in some fashion or another. I have limited control over so much of my life. In time I won't be living with them but our whole society is affected by addiction in so many ways. I don't doubt detachment in so many forms will be a cornerstone of my life for the next few years.
It's nice to read that you have the wisdom to look for the good in your current situation. Boundaries are crucial to everyone.
It's my hope that someday, more young parents become aware of the importance of boundaries and model them for their children. I'd like to see the day that healthy boundaries are the norm in our society.
Here's hoping that the day you live away from addicts is nearby!
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
((((Maresie)))) You have worked hard for the recovery you have just talked about here. Coming here and listening to you face it with courage and doing the work the program and your HP asked of you along with what you also desired for yourself was a lesson for me...the serenity prayer in practice and I am grateful to still be here so that I can listen to how it has worked out for you and it assures me that as I do the same I will get the same. I am grateful that your journey has been apart of my own...another gift, this one experienced by one who has listened and watched. ((((hugs)))) Thank you.
I liked your note about gratitude today. It's pretty powerful to read about how far you've come as you reflect on all the positive changes. You inspired me!
I admire your recovery! Setting healthy boundaries is key to recovery. Expecting nothing from our As takes work imo. I have lowered my expectations in terms of what my A can do for me. However, I expect him to be responsible for himself as well as accountable to himself and his Higher Power. He is expected to work and contribute toward household expenses. I do my share and he does his. If he is unable to provide, then collect SSI to do so. The fact is that certain things imo still have to be done whether they are drinking or not. Thanks for sharing your ESH. I enjoyed the sharing.
"Today is a day I can acknowledge this is a path not a dead end."
That is just one more tool I needed for my tool box when my stinkin thinking erupts. I can use that tool by repeating, this is a path, not a dead end, I may have a shot of restoring my conscious contact with my HP.
Wow!! Im so moved and touched to read this. I am proud of your growth.
Boundaries and detachment is what allowed me to expereince my true self again, the self esteem part, the self respect part- and I did not have to be on their emotional bandwagon anymore- it meant I was free to eompower myself bc my very growth gives me the room/ability to be eternally grateful for so much.
When ever I may feel down, if I surrender it (to the god of my undertstanding) I become free of it, yes I may get thoughts/feelings I need to surrender daily and by doing so, I am freed up and liberated (along with forgiveness work, that is the true transformer/transcender) to continue to value my own growth, focused purpose, my self preservation which offers me many opportunities to find things to be extremely grateful about. I do this because whatever it is tht I focus on, grows and I want good vibes, a calm mind, integrity in every aspect of my life's choices and more joy then I ever remebered was available to us, as sparks/children of one unified god.
I love your growth! You are worth the effort it is to discover and know your self... it is great to be a witness on your journey ~ and it will continue to get better! Keep doing what you're doing! ((((((((((((((( hugs! )))))))))))))))
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for the inspiring message Gratitude is certainly a touchstone of my recovery.
In the beginning I could not feel the gratitude but slowly the feelings (my insides ) caught up and I felt the warmth of gratitude and the power of understanding This is what I heard in your post
Your growth is certainly a tribute to your hard work one day at a time.
Thank you.