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Hi. I don't know anything about alanon. It was suggested I go to a mtg by my therapist, but I work full time and have a 6 yr old daughter so it is hard to find the time. So I thought maybe I could give this a try.
My mother was an alcholic, an abusive one and she died when I was 15. I was in a bad marriage from 19-27. I am now 29 and am engaged to this guy, this most amazing guy. He treats my daughter and I better than anyone has. But he drinks. I've always been uncomfortable about drinking because of my mom. He use to drink a lot when I first met him but has since stopped. I chopped it up to bachelor life. Now he drinks once a week on pay day. But he is a binge drinker. It's nothing for him to drink an entire bottle of hard liqour and a 6 pk of beer in the span of a couple hours. In July, I came home from work and he was drunk and mean. He didnt get violent but he has also never talked to me like that. The next day he promised he would never drink hard liqour around me again. Last night, pay day, he had some beer. I went to bed and woke up 2 hours later to him stumbling around clearly trashed. I opened the fridge and he only had drank 3 beers. I knew good and well he was drinking liqour also and after 30 mins of lying he finally came clean. Said he was drinking it outside in the yard so there is no problem because it wasn't in the house and I was asleep. Are you kidding me? He kept taking his phone and filming our arguments and said he didnt break any promises. I just wanted to go to sleep so the next day the real him would be back.
To my surprise the real him agrees with the drunk him. He still feels he did nothing wrong and I am at my witts end. I love him so much but something has to give. He says I am being unreasonable and also that the fight last night (which kept me up for hours) is all my fault. Had I just left him alone and not said anything, there would have been no fight. I know arguing with a drunk guy is pointless but I was crushed and hurt. Now I feel like I cannot trust him. I can't bury another person I love to alcohol. I am at a loss and dont know what to do. I do believe it is a disease and I dont think it is right to leave someone who needs help. But he doesnt think he has a problem so Im not sure what my next move should be. I feel broken, hopeless, and defeated. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I think you are in the right place.
If you read some other posts you can start to learn. Its also a really good idea to get some Al Anon literature if you can - you can get so much comfort and strength from the fact that so many people have been through this too and have recovered.
As an acoa (adult child of an alcoholic/addict) myself I do understand exactly what you are going through. I get that you see this as his problem but being raised as an acoa as you were it is most likey you, like the rest of us here- are codependent which means we focus on others to avoid ourselves. It is a lot like what the A (addict &/or alcoholic) does- they use substances to avoid dealing with themselves.
In alanon we learn that the only person we can control or change is us. No amount of controlling, manipualtion policing, helping, fixing will change another person or make them drink/drug or make them stop. It is a total lie from the disease that says, 'if u were better or quieter or nicer or more willing to compromise yourself in a thousand ways - then they would stop absuing themselves and us, so I will try harder.' That is our disease talking, buying into the control/manipulative dynamic and we cannot control another adult, no matter what- what they do has absolutely nothing to do with us. This is the first thing to wrap your head around - and stop with the bargaining because it is only trying to deal with the devil- lies. What is in your control is how you think, what you allow around you, what you are willing to tolerate and put up with.
This is the nature of the disease- it looks to blame others shrugging off personal accountability/responsibility. None of us pours alcohol down their face, none of us goes out and buys the drugs for them- that is their choice, dont take the blame. "You drive me to drink " is a lie, an excuse, a way to get you to enalbe them being tied to them and essentially an emotional parasite for them to blame and persecute. Addiction will steal everything you have and more- they are an empty void. We too can be emotionally unavailable to ourselves which leaves us wide open to being used by a crafty A.
If love solved this issue - addiction would have been wiped out a long time ago. It is not personal, it is not about you- what is about you is being willing to over look your own basic needs, self resepct and self esteem - those are the first things addiction takes from the other family members- it is a progressive family disease- it is mental, spiritual, physical.
We enable them by focusing on their needs and compromising our own. The "cure" is learning to focus on YOU the one you can control and change, tough love, loving detachment, allowing them to have the dignity and respect to solve thier own life's issues & dealing with the consequences of our choices. They are Master Manipulators, excellent actors, dynamic, exciting and they study our buttons- once they get us where they can figure out how to get around us, we become victimized more and more. It is up to us to say, this hurts, I do not accept your blame/responsibility and to stand up for us and love ourselves as a priority.
I understand very clearly, you said no hard liquor around me and he immediately thought, great I can just do it outside - no harm, no foul.
Give alanon a shot, take in some meetings, call around and see if they have an area for kids and if you cannot get to a face to face meeting- try some online meetings (link to our chat room is in the yellow upper left hand corner) This group is a fellowship- we support and help each other by sharing our esh (expereince, strength and hope).
I understand it seems like you are asking for very little (so it seems) to just be healthy, happy and "normal" but if we are not happy then only we can change that. There is no amount of talking to him that will make him stop- there really is nothing you can do to help- the best way to really genuinely help them, is to learn to focus on you, your own needs, stop enabling (doing anything for another adult that they can do themselves) and sort out your own feeings, issues, unresolved emotions and take the control (back) that will empower your life back from this insidious disease.
The book The 12Steps for Adult Children (ISBN #0-941405-12-5) would probably be an excellent place for you to start (I got my copy new ppbk for $11 at a reg bookstore, u can also get it online or at a meeting.
Boundaries taught me how to get my own needs met and how to protect myself. When we jump to rescue others, they do not appreciate or respect us for it because we are not living our own lives and sorting out our own issues/feelings and we cannot do this for another person- we cant think for them. It is a part of the human walk, we learn for ourselves or we continue to use others.
I can tell you from great experience in dealing with addicts/alcoholics (work a holics, rage a holics) that what you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg- there is much more there, they are very excellent at hiding and lying to everyone including themselves. No matter how much money you make, how clean you keep the house, how perfect everything is- the A will find a fault bc they are looking for that excuse/justification to use and blame you.
No matter what you do decide to do in alanon (and no one should tell you how to make a decision for yourself- u get to figure out what is right and healthiest for YOUr life) being in alanon will help you with every relationship in your life. There is a lot of hope and sometimes when we get our miracle in recovery, sometimes others do follow us but this cannot be your motivation - the motivation is to take your life back from the disease and to be an excellent role model with healthy boundaries and self esteem so that your child can emulate your healthier choices.
No matter how you grew up, you can create the life you want, a life you can have respect about. None of us wants our family or loved ones to use but when we get out of their heads about it - then they can hear their own thoughts. Fighting with them only means we are in a fight with them- they will do anything to protect their disease and the status quo of how they use currently. Asking an A to stop using is like asking anyone else to stop breathing- they cannot do it. If they can come to terms with it on their own, such as: their consequences get so great - this is the only way they can decide to change- when things get bad enough for them.
I was very suicidal at different times over my parents and my exAH's using- no amount of self sacrifice can help them rectify thier minds- it is an inside job and it takes humility and honesty- it is also an individual choice to make or not. I am so grateful I am still here, alive and today I have an excellent life. Not perfect but it is not even comprable to where I was a few years ago.
The information and tools we use will be new and it will sound very simple- so simple in fact I didnt even think it would work, that there was any hope for my own happiness and serentiy well the word looked like a greek-japanese hybrid - I did not know what it was and today I have it in spades. The most important thing is you modelling healthy living to your daughter so she can be a confident, capable and healthy person who can cope and she will be if you learn how to do it for yourself, now.
I really hope u stay for the miracle ~ recovery is self discovery and you are worth it and so much more! Please keep coming back, you are not alone with this anymore- the entire fellowship is here to love and support you until one day you can do it for yourself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am so glad you came. I think you are in the right place. I know how hard childcare can be as I myself have a 2 and 7 year old at home. What works for me is that I have found alanon meetings with childcare. If you call your local alanon office which can be found by going to this url: www.al-anon.alateen.org -
They perhaps can direct you to meetings that have it available. So this is a good place to come and get a general understanding of the alanon program. However, this is not truly Alanon. There are many members here that belong to other fellowships and 12 step programs from many different walks of life. Face to face meetings are where the rubber meets the road. There are lovely people in the rooms of alanon that understand your problems as few others could.
Stick around, get to know us awhile. We are a motley crew, never a dull moment in this place.
Thanks for taking the time to share with us today. I do so hope you will continue to do so we'll get to know you better.
Aloha H and welcome to the board...Newbies are good cause they remind me of where I came from and what it was like when I was one and I never ever want to forget. I also was not ready for real time when I first got to the program and so I tried a few Al-Anon meetings and a few open AA meetings and then blew it all off to honestly not being ready...not knowing about alcoholism and me and not knowing that I didn't know. I was clueless and wasn't ready to be quiet and listen to others so it got worse for me and I caution new comers...if you ever think it can't or won't get worse it can and will if you continue to try to fix it on your own without the help of others who have the awareness and experience where you don't. Alcoholism is a progressive disease...it gets worse whether you like it or not!!. Alcoholism is also a fatal disease it can and has and will continue to cost the lives of others whether they be the drinker or not. I have witnessed that happen inside and outside of my own family.
So I ran out of excuses for not being in the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I found the hotline number for in the white pages of my local telephone book. I went and have never stopped going since.
I also said "I looooved her" and then actually found out I was wishing that she loved me. Alcoholic/addicts don't love...they don't have the capacity to love expecially themselves as they persue the compulsion and addiction that takes everything away from them and inspite of it. If found out that I was in love with being in love and had picked a wrong addictive personality to try to act that out with. My alcoholic/addict wife was really much like you describe here and until I found out that there was these chemicals she had a compulsion and obsession for that owned her even when she could not own herself I was clueless about disease. She drank when she wanted to and when she didn't want to and when she said I want to and said that she didn't and when she complained that she didn't know why she did...and that was/is insanity. Early Al-Anon we use to read the definition of alcoholism before each and every meeting and part of that definition is that "...alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can never be cured and can only be arrested by total abstinence." When I came to understand that I also came to understand that I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of being in that relationship without alcoholism also owning me...lock, stock and barrel. It did own me until I had nothing more at all.
If you find you have a reason to not attend open face to face meetings continue to look for reasons to attend and follow up on those reasons. I got my life back on a daily basis from the fellowship of Al-Anon and a power greater than myself which led me to the door. (((((hugs)))))
No one in al anon is going to suggest you leave, stay or do anything specifically.
What we can offer is tools.
We've all argued with addicts/alcoholics. I did this month, much good it did me.
No one is perfect.
Being aware of how much "he" drinks when he isn't is a hallmark sign of someone who is out of control.
Al anon can help you a lot with tools, like detachment, taking care of yourself. Focus on what makes your life work.
We start from now, never mind the past and our histories. Al anon tools can help make life bearable even when there is total insanity around us.
My sister is an alcoholic and has been one for decades. I've known alcholics all my life. I can't say I buried any of them. They all buried themselves. My role was always pretty much on the periphery.
If you can get to a meeting that's great. If not this board is a phenomenal resource. Another really great resource is the book getting them sober. If nothing else that book helped me with the issue of expectations.
For some reason when I was was around an alcoholic I kept expecting them to be "sane" act like a reasonable persona and be cooperative. I currently have an alcoholic roommate who if you ever ask him to do anything see's it as a red flag and will immediately do the opposite. His sense of self is totally tied up with being a rebel and never listening to any suggestions. At the same time he absolutely expects the people around him to be pleasant, agreeable and like him. My current tool is to be very detached around him. I expect very very little from him and believe me that's about all I get. I dont' get him yelling and screaming and acusing me of all kinds of things however. Somedays it is all I can take to say two words to him. Two words is a lot actually. At one time both his expectations and mine were all off. I'm so glad to report he no longer knocks on my door and asks me for money at 2:30 a.m. That's progress.
No one is going to judge you here, tell you what to do or evaluate you. We're here to support, care and nourish each other.
You are most welcome here and I hope you will find as much wisdom and comfort and support as I've found these last few months since joining Alanon and this board. My life is already transformed for the better in so many ways and I hope you will find more peace of mind too.
The on-line forums make a great addition to attending Al-Anon meetings. Sounds like you'd have alot to gain by attending.
I've seen people bring their young children to meetings on many occasions - both A.A. and Al-Anon. The worse I've seen happen is the kids get bored and maybe the parent leaves a little early. Part of a meeting is better than no meeting.
Taking the first step into the doors of alanon is very scary. It's hard not to feel like a freak or that we are so out there and all alone. "Am I going to start crying and never stop" was the biggest fear I had. After all it's us and how in the world could anyone else relate to what we have to share. That's the great thing about the face to face meetings is finding out I'm not alone man oh man, does that make a ton of difference. It's a safe place to share and experience life.
Finding out the 3 C's, You didn't cause addiction, you can't control addiction, and you can't cure addiction. You sure are not alone in your experiences.
Hugs again,
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am also new and just got out of a relationship with someone who binge drank and has been sober for 5 months. I never thought his drinking would get worse, but it did. And we did get physical. He even tried killing himself at one point and I called the police and he was taken to the hospital. You'd think it'd end there, right? Or after his third DUI? Nope. He got a fouth and is now facing serious jail time. Even sober, he STILL won't take responsibility of his own faults. Even though we're not together, he still blames me. I had to literally block him from my life, from contacting me. It's awful, but you cannot control him or his addiction. I've poured beers down the drain, taken his keys, etc. He needs to get help. My ex has been in AA for 5 months and he is lying his way through the program and i can guarantee if he hasn't started drinking already, he will. Focus on you and especially your daughter. You said he's the most amazing guy, 'but he drinks.' Nothing is amazing about addiction. I'm going through a LOT of pain right now, angry, frustration, and I'm grieving as well, but I know I deserve better and one day all of this pain will be worth it! You and your daughter deserve better, too.
