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Hi, I'm new to Al Anon, but not new to AA. I'm trying to decide whether to stay and work on me while continuing my marriage with my AH, or if I need to leave to be able to finish my work.
Going to just let it all out...and hope for the best here.
Been married for 25 years and he is the love of my life. However the last 5 have been really eye opening in our journey through teenagers and now moving into young adults. Add to that that both our our closest siblings passed away at age 46 in the last 3 years, its been a really stressful and testing time for any marriage.
My oldest son at 16 started his journey thru alcohol, marijuana and then became addicted to herion, and my youngest son is going thru marijuanna and alcohol issues and trouble with the law for it. Both have been double teaming us for about 5 years now and the stress has been immense and thus put the spotlight on some of our issues with drinking and escalated drinking issues for my husband.
My father, stepfather were both alcoholics. My brother was despressive and become addicted to meth and was sober the last 6 years before his death, but destoyed his health, family and life. So they definitely have that in the family history. So were very aggressive on trying to deal with them, counseling, doctors, etc.
Long story short, I wanted to have a sober household and have taken both boys thru various aa and drug treatment programs and clean up my act as well. AH does not and also has issues with anger and controlling everything now. He blames them, me and the world for their irresponsible drinking, and not having their act together. At the same time, he is chronically depressed, anxious, angry and can't let any past go including blaming me foro having it in our genes.
Fact of the matter, we're both at fault and made many mistakes. Neither of us deserved this, but could of done more and better to present a better role model to our children. We didn't think we had a problem, because we were successful, drank moderately on weekends and at events. Never drink and drove, always took turns on who would be the DD, had great life in general with the occaisional BBQ's, parties with families and friends.
We've been going to counseling for about 2 years now, on trying to get on the same page as far as household rules and discipline for the boys. He doesn't want to come to any common agreement (or maybe I don't), he likes to yell and scream at them, and tell them how horrible their behavior is and the next moment over indulge them. I want a more consistent and calm assertive approach. I wanted to come up with a set of household rules and consequences (like we used to). The boys double team and take advantage of our inconsistent approach.
Ok, now the hard part. I want to make some major changes to make my life better and one of them is a sober household. AH does not. He continues to drink in front of them and when we take vacations together. He now drinks regularly to excess and is openly drunk in front of them. While he thinks he is just blowing off some steam and having fun, I know better. He is now drinking way too much and too often. I have been reading AA and Al Anon and trying to do the steps for myself. I keep sliding back and not doing my work due to all the issues around me. I know excuses.
Should I just stay here and be stronger and have more discipline and fix me, or do I need to leave to have the environment I need to change?
The one thing I want most in the whole world is my family whole and healthy in tact. I want to raise my grandchildren, grow old and be happy. If I leave my husband will blame the children and probably never speak to them again. At this point he regularly tells me and them how he wishes he never had them and as soon as they are out of the house he's glad. That they've hurt him so much he'll never forgive them.
He will also label me as a traitor and backstabber and likely never want to see me again. In fact, he's talked about ending it all and taking everyone with him from time to time he's so depressed, angry and resentful. All he ever wanted was a happy family. Family is everything to him.
So while I thought about a seperation, in order for us both to work things out and gain perspective... I pretty much know he's the type of person (at least now), that would never be able to understand this, and it would be the end of him in my life and his childrens.
So sad... 5 years ago... you couldn't get him to stop kissing and hugging his boys, involved in their lives on daily basis in all the most positive ways. They adored him. All their friends were jealous of how much their father loved them, did things iwth them ...so sad.
I could use some stories of how others dealt with this, I know you're not supposed to give advice, but I'm so confused on what I want, need to do, to fix me and hopefully my family will follow.
Please continue to go to alanon AND get a sponsor. It will help clear the fog of your mind. It's the sadness, the anger, the resentment there is so much emotional stuff that goes on in an addiction home. It's important to deal with everything and start to feel again so you can heal. Your changes will make changes in your home. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Hugs, please keep coming back here and use this forum as a tool in your recovery.
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can definitely understand wanting a sober household.
In al anon as you know we adopt the three C's, we didnt' cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
I stopped drinking, not because I'm an alcoholic but because I made some pretty bad decisions when I drank. One was to keep living with an alcoholic/addict. Others were my tolerance for boundarylessness which went along with being around alcoholics.
My stopping drinking did absolutely nothing to affect the alcoholic/addict I lived with. In fact I think he felt betrayed, angry and mad. I stopped going out with him when he drank because I did not want to deal with the issue of driving drunk, being intoxicated and worrying about it. That did nothing to change the now ex A's behavior either. He went out and in some ways punished me for this. He once went out with one of his friends drunk on my birthday (when we had a reservation somewhere). For me it was like waving a red flag at a bull. Nothing but nothing made him stop drinking and using. He kept on with his health gone, finances gone, home gone whatever it was he let it go in order to keep on using and drinking. He was even ready to put our dogs in a pound and since they're old they would probably have been put down.
Leaving is a huge issue for any of us. In al anon we recommend creating a plan be before even getting to that subject. What do you need to leave, what will be the issues if you leave. Certainly the ex A felt betrayed, abandoned and angry when I left him. He also felt, quite rightly, that he could leash me back in whenever he felt like it. I left and kept up contact for well over a year. During part of that time I supported him financially.
Eventually I did cut off all contact. There were tremendous repercussions to doing that.
I'm now almost 5 years down the line. There are still repercussions. Nevertheless I am certain I made the right decision. I made it when I could with the support of al anon. I can't recommend the tools, particularly making a plan be enough.
There were alot of timelines in your post but I didn't see where you mentioned how long you've been sober, how far you've come in working the steps or how long you've been attending A.A. meetings. Or if you're still going.
I came to Al-Anon when my partner (who I meet in A.A.) relapsed on drugs and alcohol. Although I'd already been sober a number of years, I was angry and out of control. I think, if I'd had some Al-Anon background then I might of had an easier time with it all. I don't know.
What I DO know is that attending Al-Anon helped me to learn more about myself and helped me change. I needed (and continue to need) recovery from the Al-Anon point of view just as much as I still need A.A. Alcohol effects me from all sides. I wasn't just a alcoholic myself, I also lived with alcoholics, all my friends drank and my folks drank.
I'm confident that attending Al-Anon and learning about detaching from the stuff going on around you will help you too.
-- Edited by rrib on Friday 9th of September 2011 11:01:02 AM
I should also add that my family were pretty much alcoholic. My younger sister being a classic one and my older sister being a binger. Everything is about alcohol to them, all their vacations were surrounded by alcohol.
I think it takes decades to extricate ourselves from that. I do go to things that have alcohol at them. I can't say I'm exactly comfortable. I view friends who do a lot of wine drinking with some detachment. I don't think I'm missing out by not joining them. The cost of living around an alcoholic is so high for me the choice of not drinking is a wise one for me. I can get sucked in really quickly. I'm no longer willing to go there. The longer I'm away from that environment for me the better.
Nevertheless it didn't happen overnight. When I quit drinking because I didn't want to enable the A was about 4 years before I left him. I am now adamant that I'll never date/live with another alcoholic again. I didn't get to that overnight. I had to really count and understand the damage that alcoholics did around me. I currently live around alcoholics in a shared setting. Their behavior affects me. I put up huge boundaries around it but it affects how I feel about my home and how much I use any shared space. I'm so grateful that's the limit these days. Those people never get past the walls I put up but I have to maintain the walls and really heavy thick walled boundaries all the time.
I couldn't figure out from your post how old your boys are now? To me, their ages would definitely play into how I would plan the future for the family and how I wanted to proceed. Your husband sounds a lot like mine in regards to the anger and anxiety but even more extreme with his comments about 'wishing he never had the children'. My husband started antidepressants recently and it's helped tremendously. Don't know how long it will help and I don't know how bad it is that he still drinks every few days or so, but his demeanor is sooooo much more calm and he and I are working on all of our issues now that's in a better place mentally. It's been quite refreshing. Of course, I just wish I could get him to quit lying about the drinking, but that's a different part of the story. Anyway, my dad used to tell me that it was my fault that his life sucked. That if I hadn't been born he wouldn't have married my mom and his life wouldn't have turned out so bad. He told me that they should have aborted me. He was drunk when he said those things and it was 20 years ago and I still hurt from them. If I can say one thing here: please get help for yourself and for your boys. This stuff hurts and they can carry it with them through their entire lives. Their struggles with addiction, a father who is treating them this way in the recent past, etc. just can't be good for them. Trust me, I have BTDT(been there, done that) and I'm still working through these issues. Al Anon and Al A Teen may be the best first places to start. Wishing you well in your journey and I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Please keep coming back for advice and ESH!
Janetteaa...Aloha and thanks for your post just before I head off to my morning meeting because it is good to be reminded where I was, what I found out and what it is like now.
The metaphor for me when I was where you are at now was that of a very large and dense forest and I didn't know where I was at...I was lost completely but willing to sit and learn from others. Mostly what I learned was self discovery; the who am I and the where is my life and the condition of it. The metaphor for me for that came from good sponsorship in that I couldn't find my way out of the forest by looking outward, I had to look straight down at my feet and where I was standing and ask myself the question "Where am I at?" and then in stillness looking straight up above me and ask, "Where do you want me?" It was steps 1, 2 and 3 again metaphorically cause that is how I see best...in pictures and it has worked. All of that stuff around me is stuff...it is them and their stuff and whether it is here or gone my stuff is right where I am standing and then there is HP. When all of them and they stop and look down at their feet and ask "Where am I?" and then look up and ask "Where do you want me to be?" I with have no more or less power over it all. Do you stay or do you go now? "Where do you want me to be?" Be still and listen and see what happens.
For me in my journey in recovery the best decision I ever made was to go to Alanon and get a sponsor and begin working the steps. My sponsor shared with me that in my literature it is suggested that we wait six months to one year before making a major decision in my life unless there is physical abuse involved.
I am so glad I waited because I was able to come to make a decision similar to yours, should I stay or should I go.
The truth is I am not qualified to give advice. I cannot walk a mile in your shoes so I myself refrain from advice giving. What I can say is that once I worked the steps with my sponsor, the answer I was looking for was abundantly clear. It was locked inside me and only I could come to that determination.
I do so hope you will consider going to face to face alanon meetings and getting a sponsor. It really is a wonderful place.
Thanks you everyone. It was kinda scary to admit all of this. I can't tell everyone just one side, as it's my fault too. (did I cause it? yes I* did). I was the perfect accomplish and codependent.
It always easy to be a say it was all "their" fault. I know I have alot of my own work to do. I have good days, and bad days. I start each day and try to ask for my HP support and guidance.
Having a Plan to go, but a hope (my prayer is) to stay is I guess where I am at now.
I am surrounded by three steps forward/two back and then ... a tap dance. How can you know if they are making progress or just BS.
21 year old... seeking employment living at home... may end up evicting him... not using drugs, severly depressed, but does drink sometimes, not in treatment but going to put that ultimatem out there again. I drug test him...randomly.
16 year old.... recently doing better at new school and hopefully has his first job... but still requires 24/7 supervision. smokes spice...when he can get away with it and drinks. being drug tested constantly is why he now smokes spice.
AH drinks nightly, and on weekends to excess. Still in counseling with me weekly, but won't commit to a "house" rules of what are expectations are and be on the same page. Still thinks if they loved him enough they would stop, and its not his fault why should he change.
I quit drinking (again) after about 5 months of agreeing to drink with AH not in front of kids... that didn't accomplish anything. Just made me a hypocrite, and I didn't see a change in my AH's behavior of drinking in front of them either. He said you don't have a drinking problem, why quit? I said why drink? I can go out and drink an oDoul's or Diet Coke and your friends won't know the difference. I still have fun and they don't care... why should you? He got mad, said I was downer.
It's hard to work on me, while all the Kaos evolved around me. I do need to get a sponsor and go to more f2f meetings. I'll make that a priority and set a goal of two weeks. I'll try to see if my sons will go too. I had them in AA but not Al Anon, thats a good thought.
So I need support to stick to my guns and do my work. Thanks for the encouragement. And listening.
The most powerful thing I noticed in my face to face alanon room right in front on our poduim was the 3 C's:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
It helped me to see that I was not responsible for my ah choice to drink or not. I had no responsibility for their behavior while they were drinking. Finally, I could not be held reponsible for making sure I was the cure for their disease. It set a new perspective for me because the battle isn't mine, its my HP. When I took my hands off others and ceased trying to change them, my life and those around me got dramatically better. I am grateful to alanon for that awareness.
Hugs you may not have helped it, however just like Tommy said you didn't cause the issues that are going on. We all share some kind of part in the reaction we choose in our lives in dealing with addiction. There is no right answer for every person. Kind of like child rearing books, there are lots of good ideas that may or may not apply to our own kids. We are not cookie cutters we are human beings. What I will say is Alanon has shown me and continues to show me that I am not alone in my challenges of living with an active A, even if I were not with my AH Alanon would still be for me.
Please keep coming back, keep sharing and keep going to face to face meetings because your own healing is where it is at is it is the whole enchilada to the answers you are searching for. The ironic thing is the answers all come from within ourselves there is no magic wand to fix it all. It takes work, a lot of honest work and yes when it all comes down to it .. alanon has totally worked for not only me, everyone who continues to work their own individual programs. You are worth it, so I truly hope you will keep coming back.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
