The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently I've met two men who are really struggling in their lives. One contemplating divorce and the other a former co worker.
Normally I would see it as my civic duty to help and fix them. Right now I'm just aware of how lost both of them seem. Where did I ever get the idea I could be a sign post for people.
Right now I've just been kind to both of them. That is a real issue since one is a roommate who most definitely has boundary issues (he took some of my stuff).
In fact I'm pretty much discouraging them from sharing their issues with me too much because I really don't have much to add to them. I have limits on how much I can be "there" for anyone.
I know I'm willing to observe rather than "act" these days. In the past my impulsive actions to "help" people got me in such hot water.
That doesn't mean I'm judgmental, mean or nasty. I just have limits. My limits are that I'm already pretty much overwhelmed with my own issues. My self worth was once all tied up in "helping" others "fixing" others, giving to others. Now my self worth is about how I'm going to take care of myself first before any one else. At the moment that doesn't leave that much to take care of others in the way I once did so compulsively. I am still burned out from taking care of the ex A for years.
I also know that for some reason both these men got themselves into the situations they are in. In theory they have to get themselves out. No one can do that for them. I tried for so many years to extricate the ex A from his convoluted issues. Rather than help I think I compounded them. He went on making more and more complicated messes.
I'm also aware that I have a radar for these "needy" men and women of course (I don't discriminate). I have to watch that radar. I have more than enough on my plate as it is. Boundaries include for me being aware of those who don't have any and my roommate (who claims otherwise) is one of them.
Your recovery is wonderful to behold. You have kindness and understanding for these people and know that you cannot fix them Just being a friend is enough Keep up with those boundaries and continue to listen to that "Still small voice within" it does prove a valuable ally
Good call and realization on your part. I'm not against helping others by any means but I also think that to allow someone to overcome their own problems and take their own journey can be a blessing to them in the end. Sometimes life is the best teacher.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks Maresie this was helpful to me as the line between spreading the message and being Mr. Fixit are blurred for me. Also the line between therapist and Mr. Fixit are sometimes blurred. It is difficult but inspiring to see you achieving balance and it lets me know I can too.
Well I don't doubt for one minute these days my needs are as valid as anyone elses'. Right now I am still on survival. A different level of survival but its pretty raw and I need to take lots of actions to move from here. I don't have to feel selfish for doing that.
yep yu are right- you can only fix yourself at the end f the day. in the past ive put so much evergy into trying to help people, and mostly its been wasted- because they have to figure it out for themselves. it can also be terribly frustrating!
I think what really clicked for me was seeing that if I "help" them I am turning my back on truly being powerful by focusing on me, the only one I can change/control. If I focus on them, I lose me and feed the disease.
Actually what is "selfish" of us is wasting our life by attempting to fix another person- the egos we have that actually allow us to delusionally thing we can have any control over another person is monumental.
Think of self love, boundaries and MYOB-QTIP (minding your own business & quit taking it personally) as self-preservation, not as "selfishness." Who ever said that being a little bit selfish was "wrong" anyway ~ this is YOUr life after all- not anyone else's.
On top of that- when we do "help" others it can very often create resentments for both parties- they resent us for helping or how we do it and we resent them for not doing it themselves and not taking our stellar advice. When I realized helping others would continue to lead me to a dead end feeling like a failure- choosing me got much better and easier. I did want to change and feel better and know my own self esteem again-something I had not felt since childhood. Today I no longer have to "perform" for others to feel good about myself, today my love and acknowledgment comes from the inside where it really is waiting for us.
I used a lot of logic on myself, to convince me that program was the better, healthier way for me-- such as: if I dont stand up for me, who will? Well, no one did. If I dont care about me, no one else will. It is up to each one of us to be our own healthy advocate. I also do not question other people's states of mind anymore- it is none of my business if they are not at peace- it is not in my control and I am not here to judge anyone- I seek my own peace and I do believe when we share our ESH it really is not only helping us but others will gain hope and tools as well.
You are responsible and mature by being focused on YOUr life- it is not selfish at all. I learned that selfish was tossing me aside for another person who was also tossing themselves aside with reckless abandon. I was showing god that my life meant absolutely nothing to me and that I saw myself as disposable. We are not.
I may have goals that I am striving for and not be exactly in the place I want to be yet- especially financially, physically-- but those are things I can still work on daily. I do have my horse blinders on and I keep my mind on my own program and how Im feeling and thinking- bc it is all I can do and it is all the control I do have- and you know what? It is a lot, I am a full time job. Just because we may have a pattern to want to do something (like rescue or help) we can still rescue us and we can still choose for ourselves. EAch new moment we always have a choice of what to focus on, what to react to, what has value to us and what we are no longer interested in. Now I take actions that offer me my own self resepct, now I take actions that offer me my own self esteem and this is something I can only do for me.
After about a year of not asking questions of the adults in my life (in general) I finally realized that it is disrespectful of us to "fix" another- it steals their dignity away, simultaneously robbing us of our own.
Support can mean just listening and trying to solve their problem- even after six years I need to be "prompted" to listen and not offer suggestions- old habits die hard- the impulse is still there to abandon me for you and I know exactly what happens when I do- I get sicker faster, I can also re-direct me faster and practice makes it easier. Always remember - you do not owe another adult anything- but you do owe yourself! Support (just listening and letting go) is a huge service and you do not own that to everyone you come into contact with. It is not our job to solve the world, just our own reality.
Seperating the people from the disease- helps me a lot too-- I can see the disease as it'w own entity and not feel guilty (to save the person) because I recognize that everything I think, do and feel is ultimately my own personal choice and it is the same with them- their choice, thier responsibility, thier life, thier decisions and their consequences.
Take care of YOU whatever that looks like!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I do actually listen to my roommate (who is getting a divorce) and not prompt, not suggest, not interpret. For me that is huge.
I also have to say and this is huge for me. I'm more interested in my own life than in other people's. I hated my self so much in the past that other people's lives always seemed far more alluring. Somehow I even got to some notion that the ex A had a better life whenhe all but killed himself from drugs. I guess I thought of myself as pretty low.
I do have compassion for others but I have compassion for myself too.
