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I am leaving my RA tomorrow. I'm going out town and will be gone for 9 days. Pray that his friends come over and help him get out, because I think that is the best of bad options.
It's been such a roller coaster lately - you know, the fluctuations between awesome real guy and crazy guy. What cemented my decision was yesterday. My RA has severe adhd - gets distracted easily, etc...okay. What is not okay is I left the house yesterday for 2 hours, came home, and found a teeny human TURD on the floor of my studio. RA had been doing housework nude [ don't ask ] and I guess was squatting down to use my printer, when oops. He said he is a 'fast squatter' [?!] and then he got distracted and forgot to pick it up?!!! What kind of excuse is THAT?
Thanks to the tools of alanon, I did not react. I did, however, ask him if he was a monkey.
What's even odder is, he looks, sounds and acts totally normal. I'd feel less like a lunatic if he was raving. Anyhoo, after LEAVING A TINY TURD IN THE HOUSE he organized the kitchen drawers, left me a nice note, etc....I swear to god I never thought I'd be dealing with something like this in my life. This is incredibly bizarre.
I have a saying, " You can't argue with crazy", which is so true and I've learned that the usual hard way :P I have to tell my RA to go and there is no arguing or excusing the point. It's just going to happen.
Thank you everyone SO MUCH for your esh, kind words, support, etc...I hope I can give some back. I've found a nice f2f meeting and will continue going there after I get back.
You have been so very helpful in this difficult time!!
And remember: none of us deserves to live in a MONKEY HOUSE !!
Sorry you are going through this now sending love and support during this time.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's amazing the situations we find ourselves in, isn't it? We keep on making decisions we think are okay at the time (sometimes ignoring the huge red flags, sometimes not even seeing them), and one day we look around and we've been living in the lunatic asylum. I haven't had quite the experience you describe, but I have experienced things just as mind-boggling.
The "good" side is, if you ever look back and wonder if you were right to separate, you can remember this incident, and the answer should be clear!
But I wonder about his explanation ... has any of us ever had the experience of crouching down and something just "slipping out" by accident? No, me neither. And if it ever did, wouldn't anyone it happened to be horrified and remove all traces immediately? Yeah, I thought so too. I wonder if this is your RA "commenting" on your decision to leave him. Such an irony that his way of responding confirms the wisdom of your decision. It reminds me of cats that get upset and poop on the rug. Except that cats have few other ways to express themselves, and people have many. Maybe you should check him for fleas too.
Hugs for the days ahead, and know that we're with you.
Yes, I am actually grateful for the turd, as it represents a rather obvious metaphor!! That pretty much makes decision making very easy. I am also grateful that this relationship has lasted 1.5 years and not longer. Codendent as I am capable of being, Im not THAT codependent. Living with mentally ill sibling was hard, but it taught me some things, sigh.
RA and I have been on marriage track, etc....thank GOD that didn't happen. The guy just went to pieces.
fyi RA still thinks his behavior is just fine! He did not take my 'this cannot continue' seriously. Well. Poop on the floor and see what happens!
As for fleas...hm. I don't want to deprive my dog of his flea treatment. However, there is a zoo nearby so maybe they'll have room for one more monkey.
Sorry I need humor right now! You guys are awesome. I keep checking in here...this is my sanity station
Hi, rara! Are you leaving him for 9 days or are you leaving him for good? Anyway, I admire your kindness and consideration toward him, I'm not sure how I would respond in a situation like that, but hope you will enjoy your trip! With love Ruby!
I am leaving him for good. Literally walking out and leaving a note. There is no reasoning with this guy whatsoever. He's in his own reality. It's my house, so he will have to get out while I'm gone.
And take his poop elsewhere.
He's been so kind, and amiable, and sounds and looks like a normal adult. When he isn't leaving poop in the house.
OMG R.A. I can barely believe what you wrote! I know I'm cross-talking but just can't resist. Did he clean up the poop??? Or did you have to call in those people who restore homes following disasters, to disinfect the house?!? How do you know he'll leave while you're away? What if he doesn't??? Or what if he does move but leaves you reminders of himself in every room in the house? O-M-G!
On second thought I can believe it. Long ago, while in the process of moving from the home of my then drug addict/alcoholic BF who molested my then five year old child, he peed on my beautiful new Escada skirt. Calling him a monkey insults monkeys. My compulsive addiction to addicts caused me to place my daughter in harm's way. I found out that he had been molesting her after we moved. She told her new nanny. The good news of the heartbreak is that I sent her into therapy immediately and she's been going ever since. She's emotionally healthy and successful in her adult life. She got healthy years before I started on my own recovery. But then that's a whole 'nother topic.
The comments have made me stop and think about the possibilities -- if he can poop on your floor without caring, will he hesitate to do other things you don't want him to do? I wonder if you have a plan if he doesn't leave while you're gone? Because he clearly is deep in the insanity. I think I might be nervous about what he'd do to the house too. I'm not clear on whether he already knows you're telling him to leave, but from your mention of leaving a note, now I'm thinking maybe he won't know until after you're gone (leaving him alone with your house and all your possessions). I wonder if you can trust him to behave responsibly when he figures it out. Please do protect yourself and your things. You might want to have a plan for if you come back and he's still there. if he's anything like the addicts I've dealt with, there's an extremely good chance he won't do what he's told to do.
What a situation, isn't it? I bet we've all been through some version of the insanity. Hugs.
((Rara)) Thank you for your post. I remember the desperate insanity when my exAH had to leave.... this was over 10 years ago and I still cannot imagine I could be driven to such extremes.
My exAH makes choices that are particularly self-destructive when he is feeling sorry for himself- sort of enjoying the dark familiarity of that downward spiral that holds extra gravity. He'll take anyone down with him when the disease is hungry.
Wishing you the best during this difficult time. Glad you are here.
Thanks everyone. The other odd and difficult thing right now, is - of course - my Ra's been his old self the past few days. Making a lot of sense, doing better self care, etc...Still, he left a teeny poop on the floor. That's all the reason I need to end this.
I am worried about my house, and him getting out. I will be sending out an email to his friends, begging them to get him out. Told them that his friends helping is much better than dragging out the drama. I've been in contact with his sponsor, who says I'm doing the right thing. Some neighbors and a friend will check on the house [ not going in ] and let me know if anything seems amiss.
If my RA is still home when I get back, I will go to my parents' - sigh, so cliche! - and call his sponsor. I will try the friend thing again. If that doesn't work I will have to call my friends, who have volunteered to move him out.
Ugh. This is really horrible. I am so grateful to his sponsor, his best friend, and all of you!!!!
I may sound a bit too blunt here so take what you like and leave the rest. Perhaps I have missed soemthing in reading the earlier posts....
What is his motivation to move out? Why on earth would he move out when you have left him quite comfortable in your home? It is not his sponsors or his friends responsibility to remove him. How are they going to move an immovable object? they have no right to exit his possessions from your home. they have no leverage when he digs his heels in and says no.
I just cant see how you getting out the way and then having a back up plan to go to your Mum's is going to get a crazy man out of your house so you can go back in. If he forgot to clean up his own excrement, I doubt he will remember that he has to find somewhere else to live, organise his belongings, get a moving van (or friends) and actually follow through.
The only follow through I think he may be capable of was evidenced on your carpet.
Like I said, this is blunt but i just can't work out how it is going to work. I am sure if I have overstepped my mark here I will be told. I am not trying to put you down or tell you are doing it wrong.. I just don't see how its going to work... perhaps there is more to the story??????
Just as his friends would be unable to control his drinking, they will be unable to control whether he stays or goes, the way I see it.
I think if I were in your situation I would get legal advice as to what my options are if he refuses to go. Is he volatile or violent at all? I'm wondering why you've chosen to leave a note rather than tell him to his face. That suggests that he may not be cooperative or safe to be around. Can the law force him to go? Do you own the house, or is the lease in your name alone? Would you be able to move if he refuses to go? Those would be the kind of questions I'd be asking. You may well know the answers already; but since we naturally don't have all the information, we're concerned.
If he does leave, I'd have the locks changed. Take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Oh, he is not violent, I am not worried. However, rational discussion does not get through. I tried to tell him this morning and he wouldn't listen. Lighting myself on fire would have the same blank faced result. I need a note to back up my words, in a not emotional way, and also a note for written proof as to the point I've made. His best friend told me they are 'circling the wagons' and I have recently spoken with his sponsor. His sponsor agrees w/my decision, this is pretty much an intervention. They know that if they don't help him move out then the drama will drag on and that will be good for nobody. They can't MAKE him leave, but I am pretty positive that my RA will not stay if he knows he is welcome no more. He is more depressive and passive than aggressive - I doubt he will hunker in. His self image tends towards 'victim' and unfortunately getting kicked out fits into this image perfectly. However, for once this self image may work in my favor. He has an office and hopefully friends' places to crash at. Not ideal, but ..sigh.
That said, the house is mine, in my name. I will be talking to his friend and sponsor this week for updates. If he is still there when I get back, then I will have to do legal consulation, etc...but I am hoping the wagon circle etc..steps in as planned. There's been quite some coordination, it's become a team effort.
Currently hunkering at a friend's house, with the dog. Yay dog and friends! What would we do without them, and this board.
Hi there Rara ~ Just a quick note to wish you well. What would we do without the dog and friends?! True enough. In times like these, I always try to keep my higher power close. I often forget and try to take it all on myself and have to keep remembering to turn it over with faith, hope and love. I wish you lots and lots of strength in this tough time!
I am still just in shock over your initial post. That someone could disrespect you and your home (not to mention themself) is just unimaginable. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
It does sound like you have a plan and things are in place with the "wagons" to get him out. I pray it does go smoothly for you. Put your faith in your Higher Power. And like rrib said, if that doesn't work, there's always the cops!
Yes everyone except the RA has the same reaction to The Turd! I forgot to mention that the wagon friends are all AA folks. Hence that has been the, sigh, 'best' option. These guys know the drill better than I do. I'm really hoping for no cops.
Thanks to alanon I am seriously practicing detachment. Lots of naps and playing with the dog. It's not perfect, my mind keeps thinking 'what if', but haven't we all been there!
