The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I landed in program I thought I had absolutely no choices. I began to realize that every single thought I entertained, every reaction, feeling -- they were all choices of mine to make. I saw that if I did X and was left feeling Y (heh, "why") then that was very bad for me and fed my incredible disease -- the why is irrelevant and if I do X I will feel Y, so why keep doing that and getting this feeling I hate?
Changing your behavior can change your thoughts, choices, reactions and perception. I had to own my attitude, accept I was making me sick bc of my thoughts and patterns, forgive me for being so "sick" and stop taking ownership of what I did not want by taking new and radically different actions that would allow me to experience something better. I was sick by what I was doing, surrendering the old patterns may be a life long effort. I do know that when I take better care of me by focusing on something positive and real about me-- I do feel better. Having self control feels like a whole new reality compared to the habitual self loathing I once knew.
Grasping something that is positive compared to something that is negative has huge ramificiation in my daily life. Getting overwhelmed, telling me I deserve the mess I created - only served to keep me in a stuck-victim's mentality. I had to stop fighting with myself in a nutshell and I began to surrender it each and every time I caught myself being negative to my inner self and others, blaming me for the sins of the whole world. Being that martyr only gets you dead.
Know that every thing today is a choice and you can empower yourself or destroy yourself just as easily. YOU are not disposable. Love yourself like god would and forgive you and try something new. Being "right" will never ever give you peace/happiness. What is stopping you from loving & accepting you as you are, right now? You are worth the risk to love! Choices: it really is all about YOU!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty - I so love your post today. I am learning that I have choices. Two months ago I thought I was trapped, in a bad marriage, bad job, bad attitude.. Now I am reading Melody Beattie's choices and learning from Alanon and MIP that perception really is 90%. I am learning that I can work myself into a real pity party or anger state or I can chose to refocus. My AH always said I had to be reprogrammed when I heard a song on the radio, because I would sing it over and over again until I heard something else that would stick in my head. Knowing that I am that way, that thoughts stick in my head and subconcious for a long time, should alert me to thinking positive thoughts! I am even trying to listen to uplifting music because that is what is usually in my head when I wake up in the morning. I think my HP is sending me messages from songs such as "I don't have to be strong enough" alone, "I am more than the sum of my past mistakes" just to name a couple of lyrics that I have woken up to lately. I have been feeling really weak and guilty and hopeless and I have to remember there is always hope and help through my HP. And maybe if I chose to be kind, loving and giving, I will get that back in return from my AH also. That is a hard one for me in my current state of anger and hurt, but I'm going to reach out and try it. I can chose to see positively the fact that I can't run as fast as I want - I am a turtle, I get to see more of the scenery, but I am progressing and doing something! I can chose to see positively that I am bored with my job, it gives me more time to focus on me and my program. I can chose to see positively that I am getting more time alone due to my AH's detaching. It is teaching me to detach, and be satisfied with just being with me or searching out some of those things I used to do that gave me joy. So thank you again for this wonderful post. You are right on target!
Wow Kitty... so true, and I remember it being so intimidating, and tough to accept.... When I was working through my 1001 issues with my sponsor - pretty much fully focussed on my then-active AW and her escalating drinking - he used to remind me that I had 'choices', including whether or not to be serene and happy.....
"Huh?? Was he not listening to me? Did he not hear all the crud that was going on behind closed doors at my house?? How could he possibly think I had the 'choice' to be happy?"
As you've stated - we really DO have choices, and that's one of the best things about our program - it gently reminds us of this fact.... that we ARE worthy and important, and that we DO have choices....
Thanks for a great reminder
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Great Stuff! Nice to see you back on board! Missed ya.
Choices. Great topic. I had been contemplating the idea of choices and that we do have them for a long, long time. However, I never realized the truth in this until I began to attend meetings. Each time I listen to shares, the reality becomes more apparent: We do have choices.
What's frustrating to me is that I'm beginning to really get this concept. But others, particlarly a dearly beloved relative of mine, doesn't see that he does have choices. It difficult for me to observe his self-torture. All I can do is pray for him and try to be an example.
Thanks for your sharing your wisdom!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
This is the stuff that saved my peace of mind and serenity and then my whole life. There is nothing here for "leaving the rest" I take it all because I know this is true and works when I work it. My choice is to chose it and do it for me and if and when it attracts others they might choose it also.
So far this week this is thee lesson and I'm on it. Mahalo Kitty and all you other workin it members. (((((hugs)))))
When I was new, I loved the concept of I have the power to choose my attitude, actions, and be responsible for my inner being. I do it in the morning when I get up and say, good morning God! When I take the action and treat people with courtesy and kindness, my day sure goes a lot smoother.
I would agree that choosing the victim mode is a really downward spiral. Making choices is so difficult for some of us. Detaching requires a lot of practice, patience and perseverance. Coming up with ways to constantly redirect thoughts is also practice, skill and perseverance. I doubt I would be anywhere with any of those skills without the support of those in al anon
thanks I am slowly getting this concept. I do truly believe I have choices and my perception is my reality. I still sometimes struggle with the thought that chosing to be happy and detaching when he is smoking or stoned is like patting the dog after it has pooped on the carpet.
I have noted that since I 'got off his back' and made the choice to be happy in myself and to do what I want.... his smoking has increased.
I am now looking more and more into my spiritual beliefs and finding it easier to hand it over. I don't get that gutwrenching grief or fear when he smokes. Probably becasue it does it most days now so I know what to expect. But I am finding myself more peaceful on the inside and I am choosing to not react to it. Its his life, not mine, its not my business.
I am choosing to find my happiness and work on me.
Thanks for the share this was a topic of conversation today and it's amazing to know as an individual, I have that kind of power to choose my own thoughts and day.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Choices is a concept that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate. It appears to be easier if we don't have a choice, however, I now know I always do. Another concept I find difficult is forgiving myself. I think I have an easier time forgiving others (except my A spouse) than myself. Still have alot of work to do! Lyne
Great post. I've often said that when I discovered choices it was one of my biggest lightbulb moments. I thought life just happened and I had to roll with the punches. Who knew I didn't even have to percieve them as punches?
Not only do we have choices we can choose to see our realities in different ways. Even reality isn't carved in stone. Like we would react to a situation differently if we were in a good mood or bad mood, making our so called reality different..
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
