Tools of Alanon - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Tools of Alanon

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

PinkChip, I so hear ya! :) Thanks for sharing this :) Did you read One Day at a time for Sept. 6... totally like this. Love it. I need to be here. Thats for sure. Take care of you :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi PinkChip,

My sister has been in recovery since 1989. She, too, says she needs Al-anon for the same reasons you mentioned.

Keeping the focus on oneself is not easy, correct. However, we daily practice it becomes easier.

I'm so glad you join us on this board. I appreciate your perspective. I hope you continue to keep coming back.

Take good care, Gail

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"I do need to learn to detach and stop controlling others." -pinkchip

This one sentence really jumped out at me because- it is not so much that we "need" to stop controlling others -- it is that we must first accept that we are controlling and that we have absolutely no control over others. It is a very subtle difference but yes we are controlling and we attempt to do so and are under the delusion that our control actually works. The truth is, it doesnt, we have absolutely no control over others whatsoever and they rarely react directly to us... others are reacting to which one of their needs has the most weight/priority at that moment- it has little and even less to do with us. Others will continue to do what they will do in spite of what we do or do not do.

I think the truth is that we do have a need to control and since it wont be us, it falls to others. Others simply will avoid difficult people and emotionally unavailable people, so the consequences of our actions are still ours - plenty of people avoid me when I attempt to control them. They merely boundary me out and we lose other opportunities or choices we may have had if we were being accepting and in active self control.

I guess my point here is that it is easier to change if you accept your own behavior instead of calling it something else or pretending it isnt there. We do have a (sick) need to control when we are out of control with ourselves. When I took action, accpeted I was controlling and then practiced my own boundaries (a few examples are) keeping my emotions to myself (or with other alanons), keeping my personal opinions to myself, not rescuing others but instead when I felt the inkling to control- turning that awareness to me and taking a controlling action over myself- not another adult. Allowing and accepting others to be exactly who they are in spite of -me- accepting it at face value and not giving more meaning to it (like they didnt say hello when I did because they must hate me for something I did to them) -no more putting those thoughts of projecting my own neurosis onto them. People get distracted, they are busy, they have thier own life and issues and junk and it is 99.9% never about me. The .1% it is about me, they will tell me to my face if it is truly bothering them ~ and they will let me know if it is necessary.

The rest of the time, when my mind says, 'oh its about me' I have to stop it in it's tracks (my ego) and LOL at it saying, "no it is not all about YOU" what is about me is what is in my own mind and that is it. I forgive me after I catch myself and I re-direct my mind, thoughts, attitude, control, perception, opinion, choices and consequences of my choices/actions. The rest of the time - if they are not in my face telling me I did something that upset them-- thier mental health and attitude is none of my business.

Accept you are controlling, practice allowing others to be who they are without my dialogue/ideas about why they are doing what. Focus on YOU, the only one you can control and change and it gets easier. Take postive actions that offer you your own self respect and dont make their lives about you. Forgive yourself and others for all of the myriad of judgements we make and let them go, re-directing your mind back to YOU and what you can do for you right now. Do what offers you your own dignity and respect and offer it to others.

I eventaully began to boundary out other people's issues, feelings, attitudes, opinions bc it is none of my business - so the act of detaching becomes a way that we can love us first with the boundary to not jump in to rescue or point out what is "wrong" with others bc that only allows them to react/feel defensive and angry at us. Allowing them to have the dignity to figure it out (what is right for them) is their job and if we argue with them, then they are arguing with us. We dont want their two cents, others dont resepct it when we fling it at them either (if they ask you for your opinion, its different but still beware of speaking too honestly- people are rarely ready for the truth when they first ask- dont fall for that bait! lol It is all bait.

I think our biggest "character defect" is that we avoid ourselves by focusing on others. Even my judgements I can see how sometimes they may be good and healthy for me, or me being very critical - so I am good with noticing where I can improve- it doesnt have to be all bad or something I have to release completely but I certainly can work it with me and not others- they will have to sort out and rectify their own head, lives, choices and feelings - that is their job, not mine.

Detaching allows me to be free to be me and own my own behavior and I offer them the dignity and self respect to solve their own problems, circumstances and issues. I can support and listen reminding myself the whole time - this is how they think and feel and it is no reflection on me - I am the only reflection of me. I am where it begins and ends. I hope this makes it easier to empower yourself in taking full control of you and allowing others to be who they will be. I will help if I am asked but I almost never volunteer anymore. If they truly want my help, they will reach out and ask me for it - it is not my job to fix them either, sometimes people mostly just want support. If u see they want someone to blame, boundary that out and do not give it any more of your attention - focus on what you do want to manifest and attract more of - YOU feeling great!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

PC...you're inside the door. Come in, all the way in and sit down, all the way down and release yourself to the program. When I was where you are at now my 2nd step became major focus; I had to be led and in order to be led I had to become teachable and in order to become teachable I had to do what Harry Tibout taught us in program...Surrender not submit and the "abandon" myself to the God of my understanding without reservation and then I made the decision not to turn around on experiences and the decision. For me Al-Anon is progressive; the more you search the more you find the more you find the more you search and the more you walk toward the light which isn't at the end of a tunnel but all around me.

I relate to your post because those words have been mine at one time and now they have become the program of action. The goal of the second step is sanity and some of that is interchangable with sobriety yet some of that is also interchangable with serenity. Sobriety has become for me a way of living life making sane and rational decisions for myself and staying my behavior from messing that up the easiest way being drinking or using. Serenity has become for me peaceful balance inspite of what else is going on around me and who is involved. Serenity comes from the assurance that if I maintain my vertical relationship with my HP and live the spiritual lessons I've learned in Al-Anon and AA and applied the tools I have been given I will have that spiritual balance that many others have attained and which I wanted so much.

Keep growing. Take every opportunity to gain and maintain your serenity and sobriety. (((((hugs))))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink chip,

What is funny is I just got back from a meeting and this was the very topic, keeping the focus on ourselves. When I do so, I am living in the present moment which is where I can find my HP. It was a great meeting. I always get so much when I listen to others on how practice focusing on themselves.

Thanks for the topic,

Tommye

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the share PC :) I really needed that tonight.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.