The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been posting over the past two months how my ABF had slipped after 9 months sober having been in rehab for 6 and a dry house for 3. I just got myself out of the way and he moved in with his sister. I have tried to work on myself doing ore meetings etc. He text me last night saying he is going back to AA. I have just got settled a little my children have settled I have not been crying grieving as much. I know that even if he goes back to AA he needs to totlally focus on himself and sort his own life/recovery. While he has been gone I have been working on me I want to sort my unmanageable life out. I do not want to have a relationship with him we are both so sick. I do not want my focus to slip off my children and my life again. I am scared I know how the cycle goes. I just want to focus on me. I am scared of going bcakwards. I keep praying asking Hp to keep my focus on myself to help me manage my life and follow his will for me. the all of a sudden find myself back in the fanatasy of a future where we are both well and together. I can not chance it I have been hurts to much so have my kids. I am so confused. I am going to a meeting tonight.
It's not uncommon for someone to have a slip after leaving a controlled environment. It's good that he is going back to AA. What he learned during treatment and while in the sober living place is not totally 'lost' due to a slip and only time will tell if he's going to stay in recovery.
You are right to keep your focus on your own recovery. Good for you!
He will never be "well" Tracy. There is only him working a good program and staying sober versus not. So the fantasy of him being "well" is never going to happen. His alcoholism will never go away. The relationship can only be healthy once he has developed and is consistently working a good AA program and your instincts are spot on that he need to develop this on his own or it won't stick. In the meanwhile, you can continue to work on you and progressing like you are. I think the loneliness and those fears tend to draw us back to unhealthy relationships. You know what's right though and are making sound decisions.
My sponsor says when my head and heart don't match, there is a problem. Your head is telling you back off and your heart is telling you otherwise. Hence, there's a problem and you should probably go with your head on this one.
Good for you for going to a meeting tonight :) And for your awareness :) Alanon can help us have serenity whether they drink or not. Do you have a sponsor you can call? maybe she can help lighten the load... Take care of you :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I agree with Mark - and love what his sponsor said about when your head and heart don't match, there is a problem. So often I feel like something just isnt' right, not in sync. I am learning to NOT make decisions or changes at that time (unless of course safety is at risk) and give my head time to figure out what is causing the uncomfortable or confused state. Keep with your program and keep up the boundary that is allowing you both to heal. You know what you want and need and you deserve the time to be spent on you and your children.
After 36 years of marriage to an A, one year of divorce, and 6 months of Al-Anon, I now am a firm believer that they best thing I could have done back then and do now is keep the focus on me. I find that he and I do much better when I stay out of his recovery. He, my exAH, now lives back home after rehab. This is third attempt after inpatient care. He is doing quite well; I base this statement on what I observe him do and say. I don't pry anymore.
Giving the A the dignity to make his choice and live with the consequence is the best gift we can give him. I beat myself and him up for far too long before I crawled into an Al-Anon meeting and began to listen and learn.
Tracy, keep doing what is right for you and your children. Perhaps when you catch yourself dreaming about the two of you together and you want to stop, begin nurturing a different pattern of thought. Make a gratitude list, exercise, or just do something other than continuing to fantasize. You do have control over your thoughts. But you have to be deliberate about them. Otherwise, your conditioned habit of thinking can take you on a wild ride.
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Tracy...you're doing good heading in the right direction. When I was where you are at now I had to admit that I had made my alcoholic/addict my higher power and if I could but learn to but that much focus and effort toward a relationship with a power greater than all of the other higher powers I had I could come out a winner. With the help of the program and some great sponsorship I was able to learn how and then to practice on a daily basis this "vertical" relationship that is a constant in my life today.
Today I am allowed to have relationships with alot of others based upon my vertical relationship and my relationship within the program.
You're doing good...recovery is progressive. You need you and HP needs you to be serene. ((((hugs)))))
The best relationships I have discovered in my journey of recovery is the relationship I have found with my HP and the relationship I have built in discovering myself. Somehow along the way I had lost perspective on what I wanted, needed, and enjoyed. Serenity, sanity, and peace for me came as a byproduct of working the steps to uncover, discover, and discard the many illusions of separation between me and my HP. Once I found the God of my understanding, I was able to focus on myself, gradually lifting the vail of confusion inorder to make sound choices in my life.
Sending you support and love. The longest 18 inches is from the head to the heart, you've got a strong program just keep working it.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
