The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I had an issue at work which I had once before in April of this year. I am not feeling too well. I am doing better than I was but I still feel pretty pushed up against a brick wall.
I immediately went into panic, over reaction and then catastophe and of course I went into feeling upset, annoyed, isolated and to total full blown this is going to kill me.
That is of course how I lived with the ex A day in day for years. No wonder I didnt' feel well then. Talk about exhaustion.
Now after a while of mulling it over I realise my reaction is over the top, the situation isn't over the top. Its annoying, pretty time consuming and tedious but it isnt' the end of the world.
In April when the same issue came up I was in a far worse place in a real rock between a hard place. Now I'm not in such a desperate place but my reaction is if anything more over blown.
I'm not sued to having any space, having room to breath. I'm comfortable with the survival mode.
This weekend I went to a barbecue. I have had few if any social encounters for a long long time. I felt awkward, defensive and scared. I couldnt' relax at all although I enjoyed the food and the music. I deliberately went late and left early because I know I tend to go early and stay late normally and I wanted to break that habit.
I know socializing is a huge issue for me.
Today has been a tough one but its no tougher than any other day I just want to make it a disaster because I'm comfortable in disaster not in a fair to middling rotten day.
Good for you for getting out of your "comfort zone" it's not easy and baby steps is beyond ok. Easy does it, things don't change over night, however they will change if you put forth the effort.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can identify with your post. I'm happy that you attended the barbeque and I think you did a great job of identifying what would feel safe for you by limiting your time.
I have placed myself on a "socialization" program so that I can become more comfortable around people. I choose new environments and/or activities with each season. I started small- by going to the library and sitting with others, then brought books to read in a small cafe... etc, .... Then I signed up for golf lessons and then a ladies' golf league. It is quite the challenge but it is becoming increasingly more comfortable... please note, I have a long way to go with this, but I'm becoming less bewildered regarding having choices and being around others.
This has helped me become aware of how much I have been internalizing other's actions... and now I realize that other's actions (mostly) have nothing to do with me.
Besides practicing HALT, I am meeting some very nice people who I may have not otherwise met. And, learning new skills helps frame my mindset in a positive way. Every bit helps put some distance between me and a potential downward spiral into the depths of doom and gloom where I have spent way too much time. I'm looking forward to being in the emotional place where the downward spiral feels awkward and being with others is my comfort zone. ODAT
Your recovery is remarkable. Your ability to see yourself, review where you wre a short tienm ago and understand the dynamics of what is going on is amazing. You have come a long way and the tools you have eveloped are serving you well. Keep sharing here I need to here your growth.
