The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After talking to my dh and doing some serious introspection, I have realized that I am out of control with fear and anxiety. I am placing expectations on him, I am holding him to MY standards and then getting mad when my standard gets broken, I am fearful of what may happen even though it hasn't. I have a serious control issue, it's killing me and it's making US miserable. I keep living in fear that his 1-2 beers a night will turn into 10, even though it hasn't. I live in fear that his antidepressant will stop working and that he'll go back to being a passive aggressive mean person. So, now that things are going well, I find myself trying to rock the boat and find things to hyper focus on to find the thing(s) that could go wrong. Why can't I just appreciate the good that is happening now and quit worrying about what MAY come about? Why can't I just say, "Well, this may or may not happen, you can't do anything about it now anyway right?" UGH, I am so frustrated with myself and I know I'm frustrating the crap out of him and, honestly, I'm not being fair.
((((ilovedogs)))) I have heard of this as self sabotage. I love to do this, so that my disease gets fed...I find myself all worried about stuff and then I succumb to it and start snooping, checking, questioning him and all the rest. The thing I have learned to do to help me not do those sick behaviors is call my sponsor or another alanon friend and get some support.... If no one answers, I come on here to get out of my own head. If that doesn't work, I read pages in alanon literature or find a meeting. Of course you are trying to those things, because then you get an adrenalin rush and that is what we want, we crave, the adrenalin...its part of our disease, the craving of chaos... thats when I need the most help and sometimes don't want to get the help. The phone weighs too much... then when I make the call or come on here, I begin to see what it is, a mole hill being made into a mountain... You are not alone! Keep coming, keep practicing and working on things. HUGS to you! Don't beat yourself up, at least you have awareness now and can see this happening, can stop it and change your attitude... I remember when I couldn't see it and fed into it... I am glad to be here :) Thanks for sharing this!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
ILD - just please try to remember "balance"..... it's not ALL your fault, and many active A's will gladly "assign" all associated blame to you - it helps them avoid the work they need to do.... if you are like me (and many of us Al-Anons), we are quick to accept "full" responsibility for our deficiencies, as well as our A's, and anyone else's as well, lol....
Self-care is so important for us..... be gentle on you, and please always remember that you "did the best you could, with what you knew at the time"
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well done recognizing that you are your biggest problem is a big step in your recovery.. read all you can on expectations find a page you can work , read it every day to remind yourself until your comfy with the changes .. Lower your expectations of people around you and your relationships will improve . accept whats offered and just for today make it enough.. Expectations are killers and in our literature it says that expectations are PRE MEDITATED resentments .. your setting yourself up for dissapointment every time . 99% of my fears never came to fruitation . Dont Miss the good days . Louise
My sponsor slipped me a note durring a meeting alone time ago with instructions on not to read it til I got home , the note said put this on your bathroom mirror so that you see it everyday.. You are looking at the problem - that note is long gone now but I swear I still see it everyday/
You're aware of what you are doing. Great job. But as Tom stated, it's easy for us Alanons to take full responsiblity. You're responsible for your happiness; that's it.
I used to fret a lot over just about everything. It was part of every day. I've read a lot of books on how we get into habits of thought. We have one thought and that thought feeds another that is similar and then another follows...............
Well, to stop fretting, I have done a lot of things to change my thinking. One is that I used to write a gratitude list when I found that I was being negative about something. To get out of that groove, I deliberately began a list. When I didn't have pencil and paper, I'd do it mentally. It became such a habit that I automatically do it now.
Another thing I do is meditate. But I realize that doesn't appeal to a large number of people.
Don't fret over fretting!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I totally understand what you guys are saying but he's brought to my attention the fact that I tie everything he does to a negative trait that my dad had or some other many I knew. And, he's right. I will say stuff like, "Well, my dad used to do this just like you.", etc. I am placing major standards on him and not giving him any leeway. He told me he's trying to be sensitive to me and to my OCD control issues and once he opened my eyes to HIS efforts, I had to admit that I'm trying to hold onto the past and that I'm holding onto fears that may never come to fruition. It's become obvious to me that I have just as much work to do as he does and that I really do need to focus on myself and stop worrying about what he's doing or not doing. VERY HARD for me, so it's time for me to get to work.
I love what Abbyal said: Expectations are pre-meditated resentments! SO TRUE!
I also love what Abbyal said and grew in recovery from what you have discovered and have decided to go to work on. I relate to "holding him to standards" because I did the same thing and my sponsor added "Don't expect from the alcoholic what the alcoholic cannot come thru on." All you are responsible for changing is what you contribute to the problem and you have tons and tons of help and support in doing that from HP down thru the AFG fellowship and MIP. I am grateful that you had the courage to bring this here to the board because it helps me to focus on the one person I've lived my whole life with and hardly knew anything about...me.
ILD. It just so happens that currently I am reading that book for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It talks about our perfectionism. I never identified with any traits of prefectionism at all... I certainly am not perfect... then I realised.. Iam happy to accept that I am not perfect but byjoves i want those around me to be. I want my husband to be all that I want him to be... sounds like an advert for the Army.... he would say something like "I don't feel like a smoke" and I would have the world changed where we no longer had pot in our lives... mymadness. then I would get angry and upset when he didn't meet those expectations and smoked the next day!!!! Madness
You have echoed the sentiments of us all at some point. Have you looked at the laundry list of Adult Children of Alcoholics? It isn't all your fault, but your reactions are yours to create.
Linda, my dad is an alcoholic so I know I fit the bill for ACOA and yes I have looked at the laundry list! My biggest problem is that I set a very high standard for myself and I expect EVERYONE else to follow it. Most, no wait, all of them don't have any idea that I set a standard upon them and then when I get frustrated by them, they wonder why I'm having a freak out. Well, because.....you were supposed to be perfect like me. Oh wait: I'm not perfect. I just expect perfection from myself and I have no idea why others wouldn't want that for their lives? Hence, the frustration about how I place expectations on others especially on my husband. I always feel the need to have the perfect house, everything in it's place. The perfect neighborhood, I get frustrated when my neighbor's let weeds grow in their yard. I actually will do some weeding in their yard where it borders mine. I even have cut my neighbor's grass across the street because she hadn't gotten it done in a while and I couldn't stand looking at her tall grass anymore. I didn't do it to be nice, I did it because I wanted 'perfection' and it was NOT my responsibility to get it that way. YEP, I need to do some serious work here.
Ah perfectionism another nasty little word that drove me crazy .. my husb is a perfectionist after a few yrs in this prog we had a conversation that solved my problem . I finally told him that he could be as much as a perfectionist as he wanted but to not expect me to follow suit and from that day on I was no longer going to break my neck trying to live up to his expectations ..after a stunned silence he said OK and believe it or not that actually worked . duh so simple .. I also found a one linner that I posted on our fridge .
The definition of a perfectionist = a professional fault finder ..
I know for my childhood, my mum had the house looking spotless. There was nothing out of place. We were all fed and clothed and schooled. My Dad provided for his family and my parents still take pride in this. To this day, even out of the mouth of my father I hear, "but I never got to the point where I didn't provide for my family, everything was ok in that department". He wears that like a badge of honour.
What he didn't see is that Mum ran around like a headless chook to make that the reality. If it all looked ok on the outside, and we appeared 'respectable' then every thing was ok. We were not one of 'those' families.
The projection was not real. I was told I was such a good girl because my bedroom was as neat as a pin. It was OCD neat. What 6 year old lines up thier toys in the same spot every day? What 13 year old has thier clothes in teh cupboard colour coded and all facing the same direction with nothing on the floor. I was always complimented on it. How clean my environment was. It was that projection of outer cleanliness is close to godliness.
The judgements that came with that... "oh look at thier lawn (the neighbours), oh how untidy... they must have problems" We are not like that.
nnnnnooooooo we were not like that... our dirty laundry was well hidden. All skeletons held firmly in that closet thankyou very much. To this day I have people say to me how 'perfect' my family life was. It must have worked.
As time went on the facade started to slip as it had to do. They ended up yelling and screaming at each other in public, but the house and us always looked as neat as a pin.
As I have grown I have certainly managed to shake that shackle.... at least on the clothes and housekeeping part. Now most of my clothes live in the floor. I know my anxiety is increasing if I have to pick up and fold all my clothes and put them all away. I stop and question why I am doing that. If it is to hide other feelings I stop, if it because I am sick of the mess.... (hehehehehe)... I will continue to do the job. I am taking note of my motives.
Soemthing that Canadianguy said helped me to address my perfectionism wtih my husband... what other people think of me is none of my business. I changed it a little to suit myself.. I ask the question "Is it any of my business"? Really.. how they want to live THEIR life, is none of my business, as long as I am doing the best I can do with mine.
Wow, Linda. Maybe we were twins separated at birth except I never had color coded organized clothing. My mother was fastidious about how clean our house was (she also cleaned houses for a living along with being a part time bookkeeper). She taught me well on how to clean around the base of the toilet, how to make sure the faucet was cleared of gunk, etc. Funny thing is: she and my dad divorced and since she remarried she doesn't do those things anymore. Her house is dirtier than mine and I'm raising and homeschooling a child. I am always amazed when I go visit her(she lives across the country from me) and I see all kinds of dust, counter tops in disarray, etc because it wasn't how I was raised with her. It was because of my dad and his influence and passive aggressiveness that we ran our house the way we did.
My friends were shocked when my parents divorced, as was I. Even I didn't see what was going on in their marriage, or I should say; what wasn't going on. And, now I find myself running around like a 'headless chook' as you say( I have no idea what that means but I assume it means chicken, LOL) and I get mad at myself when I can't get it all done. Then I freeze in my efforts because I get overwhelmed and I get mad at my husband for not seeing my internal struggle and he feels my wrath and has to help me pick up those pieces. And I still don't get the things done in the time I wanted to get them done it. Then I ask myself: wait, who set this imaginary time frame? ME. So, who can change the time frame? ME. Too bad it takes me days of beating myself up to get to this point and I seem to go round and round with myself about it. You'd think I'd learn, haha, but I think I have a hard head, LOL. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Nice to know I'm not alone.
nope.. never alone on this board. headless chook.. sorry maybe it is an Australianism????
Yes it is a chicken (we ozzies will use a shortened word at every opportunity). Apparently, when the head of a chicken gets chopped off, the chicken runs around in circles for a few moments before it stops and falls over.
It is a terrible metaphore when explained but it is a good explanation of pointless effort on behalf of the chicken.
Oh, I'm aware of what happens when a chicken gets it's head cut off. My mom runs her own organic farm and raises roasting chickens. They used to slaughter them themselves, but now they take the chickens to the Amish to get prepared and plucked, etc. My mom is the one good balancing factor in my life, it's too bad I wound up with my dad's genetic disposition instead of hers, LOL. My mom grows her own organic food, she is a beekeeper, runs her house on solar, etc. She amazes me in what she can accomplish on any given day. I was not gifted with her ability to do physical labor all day long, I prefer my middle class housewife and homeschool mom life, thanks. Although, I love my yearly visits to her home. It's like getting a chance to breathe real air and she lives about 45 mins from Washington, DC so she's not out in the middle of nowhere either.
After being in survival mode for so long it's so hard to just start living. Look at how far you have come already?! Give yourself an attagirl because change is not east. Be gentle to yourself and acknowledge where you have made those changes. Seeing the wart and calling it a wart is so much better than being in denial. Guess what everyone is running around with warts just some people don't want to see their own warts so they would rather point out other people's warts. By the time the healing is so done the wart doesn't look so bad, maybe it's just a beauty mark instead.
Change takes time.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't know that any of us are perfect. Living around alcoholics for me with 7 years in al anon under my belt is still a really difficult enterprise. They are always slipping and sliding. I would actually think its pretty wise not to be too invested in someone who does not have good recovery. That's why I think the book Getting them Sober is such a good resource. Early recovery is a real issue and one where all those triggers are hit.
I do believe in harm reduction. Some people can reduce their drinking and maintain. They are still alcohlics of course and technically not in recovery but some people do reduce their drinking for a time. Nevertheless relapse is possible for anyone.
Being realistic is so hard when we are living around people with addicitons. We are all so wound up by the calamities, catastrophes and more. I know I can go there in a minute. I have not seen or heard from the ex A who I lived with for 7 years for a few years now. There are still some very very sore spots there. I don't expect them to just evaporate overnight.
Be kind to yourself. Be nice to yourself. Try to take the focus off the alcoholic (a really difficult undertaking I know).
ah Linda your post reminded me of an experience I had many yrs ago , you talked about your clothes in the closet and toys all in a row . At that time I had been a sponsor for Alateen kids for about 4 yrs but it was a visit to my brothers home that clued me in big time , both he and his wife are alcoholic they had a 8 yr old little girl , her family home was a complete disaster it was filthy , unorganized and always in a state of disary , I was leaving to pick her up at a friends house when she called and asked me to bring her something from her room - she told me exactly where to find it , so I waded thur the mess and opened up her bedroom door and I was shocked at what I saw , her room was spotless dolls all in a row clothes hung neatly in the closet and the book she wanted was exactly where she told me it would be . then i understood that her room was the only place in that house that she had any control over and it was perfection.. I went back to the Alateen meeting and told the kids about that experience and they al nodded and sharred about why they were so particular about thier rooms . damn I learned so much from those kids and I am so grateful for all the yrs I had with them ..
to this day my Mum comments on my room as a child. I too could have talked a blind man through my room from a distance. And I always had a book on the nightstand... still do... except today it is the ACOA book.
Mum said she could never send me to my room for punishment, because I was generally already there.
Even now I love my bedroom, it is my little sanctuary. I have a balcony off the bedroom and I have a huge four poster bed with billowing curtains suspended from the posts, in burgundy and gold....
Unfortunately, that is where the pot drawer is. Its not on my side of the room though.
ILD: This post is probably one of the biggest signs of growth I have seen from you. You are really putting the focus on you and I am proud of you. Change is not easy. I just recommend being kind to yourself while working on your new found self-revelations.
You are a good person just trying to learn to be even better. None of us is perfect. Most of us have control issues and that is why we say the serenity prayer all the time.
recognizing that you are your biggest problem is a big step in your recovery.. read all you can on expectations find a page you can work , read it every day to remind yourself until your comfy with the changes .. Lower your expectations of people around you and your relationships will improve . accept whats offered and just for today make it enough.. Expectations are killers and in our literature it says that expectations are PRE MEDITATED resentments .. your setting yourself up for dissapointment every time . 99% of my fears never came to fruitation . Dont Miss the good days . Louise