The material presented
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level.
My AH and I had a wonderful day. We took our dog to the park, talked about things other than his problem, and went to eat ice cream with the kids. Yesterday he told me he had been hiding his rum but hasn't bought any in the past month. Good for him, I am really proud of him for that and told him so. Then he says he's gonna make changes. no more rum, cut down on cigars, and not drink as much. He again, admitted he has a problem amd for a split second even thought of coming to a meeting with me. Then ..here comes the "I need Alanon why did I do this?" He later tells me out of the blue that when we are in social groups with friends, hanging out or whatever, if he says something that is not true or doesn't make sense, I always have to stick my nose in it and contradict him in front of his friends. He feels embarrased when I do that and it's not right. It's none of my business whether or not he is telling the truth. I have never done this intentionally, and I need to Stop taking it personally, but it is so darn hard! I feel completely left out now and told him if he will hang out with his group of friends, I might as well stay home because I am not going to sit there and be anti-social just because he feels like telling lies or thinks I should not get involved.
I knew this would happen and he completely missed my point and tried to play the guilt card on me which thank god for Alanon I did not fall for. "you don't care that I am trying really hard to not drink Rum so I don't get drunk. Iw as perfectly fine here until you started arguing" BTW, it was not an argument rather his way of putting it all on me. So he said I don't listen, and I was just feeling resentful again, so I told him he didn't listen, since I told him several weeks ago I needed time for myself and what was he still doing here in our house. I tried to apologize but it was too late and he took his things and left. I had a minute to tell him I love him, but too many things have happened in this house over teh past two years and I need to learn how to stop holding on to them and learn new ways to live my life with him. But he was not listening, and I really don't know if I want to be together with him. Is being irrational part of the disease? what about not being able to be empathetic and put themselves in someone else's shoes? That is our major problem, is he always fails to see how I feel from my perspective and its all about him. I am tired. I don't deserve this and neither do my girls, but I want to see him do well, and I want to be supportive of his efforts. I know he will not change unless he wants to, but I feel like I am a motivator and if he leaves he will drink more ,especially since his father is a 30+ years A. I am afraid of what will happen to him if he leaves this house forever. I know I cannot control him or the disease or what happens to him, but right now I am having a really hard time letting go and letting God. I feel like if he does not live here then nothing will matter to hima nd he will go further into the disease. I'm afraid of him dying, getting ina car accident, not having support of people who really care about him, and my girls having to live without a dad in their lives. I'm so scared
Your husb is never going to understand how his behavior has affected you, anymore than you will understand his compulsion to drink . Trying to make him understand is a waste of time and only leaves you frustrated . Al-Anons understand us they listen , they dont tell us to shut up and get over it . or to stop crying or tell us were crazy those are the people I talk to . there is a page in our ODAT that says going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread --- sad but true .
I remember my sponsor saying to me regarding step 1. There is getting it, then there is getting it, then there is really getting it. I remember my mom telling me that she was sure that if she hadnt taken care of her mom, she was sure she would have died, got run over by a car, gotton attacked and the list goes on. The bottom line was, she felt her mom would have died if it wasnt for her. Thinking that you can prevent someone from drinking, drinking more or less, or anyting else that involves their choice is a part of the insanity that gets to us being affected by this disease. Really getting step one, really getting it will clear up that distorted thinking and allow us to make choices that our good for us and allow others the dignity to make their own choices, which have nothing to do with us.
How long have you beengoing to meetings and working the program? Because I know where you are and how you feel.I've been in AlAnon for about a year and I still have problems being strong. I left my AH about 8 months ago. He's been in the hospital 2 times since then. Either from drinking or RX abuse......He has been under control for about 5 weeks
Recently it's been fun. Having dinner at each others home. Going to the beach or concerts in the park. He took me to an emergency room when I cut myself...We got through Hurricane Irene together. We were again a family of two.Now he wants me to come home and be a coupleagain
But I've been asking my HP for help in making this decision..and yesterday, my church had a rep. from the Addiction ministry and he told the story of Bill W. and the start of AA...I know, now, we're in the calm of the storm. Nothing has changed....
I think being confused is part of the process. Listen for you HP and follow where it leads. Hugs to you and your girls.
@abbyal and Dream, the thing is I thought I had it. I was doing so well, and I really thought I got step one. I always fall into his trap and then I beat myself over it. I know this happened a few weeks ago too and I posted on here, everytime things are going well, it gets messed up. I still want to blame him for that!!!!! I am still stuck in my old ways, I know its a process, but this emotional roller coaster is sometimes just too much!!
@alexmai, I've only been going to f2f meetings for about 2-3 months. I do not have a sponsor. I don't know how to go about getting one, or who to ask. Those are all excuses in my twisted mind, I know. Being confused is part of the process, like you said. I'm going back into depressed mode and I hate it!!
I'm probably going to sound advice giving .. so it's more of an opinion maybe .. take what you like.
It's not easy to see those glimpses of who we want in outings. I have found there is talking and listening, and then there is talking and being right. When I started to let go of the need to always be right (I'm actually struggling with that right now, your post hit me like a blazing light bulb .. lol .. thank you by the way.), I started to see my AH in a very different light. My need to be right was a self defense to remind myself of all of his short comings and how I deserved better than that. What I did not take into consideration was how much I hurt him and he deserves better than what I had been giving to him. That is not to say that he gets a get out of jail free card on his part of the damage to our relationship. My A is an alcoholic, and he did a lot of damage to our relationship with drinking. I am responsible for my part of what I did to our relationship even without the drinking. I've got a lot of amends to make to my husband and right in this moment I am trying to be a better partner. I have slipped this week and today I realize how much.
I stopped taking into consideration that there are things that are important to my AH. I can hurt him just as easy as his drinking hurts me. That is not why he drinks. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. I didn't listen to my AH when he was in times of pain and he was reaching out. It didn't make me feel very good about myself when I took my AH out of my equation and looked at just me and who I am. I started to say I don't know if I've done the "if only" road .. lol .. that smacked me in the forehead, yes I've gone down the "if only road" .. if only he would listen to me we wouldn't be (fill in the blank). I do that a LOT. LOL .. the dang truck ... ugh .. reality check if it wasn't the truck it would have been another car or worse our only van. Even though I know I'm right about the truck, .. it really doesn't matter because the DUI happened a year to yesterday. It's past tense.
If my AH tells me something hurts him, I find less of a need to say if you didn't do this or that blah blah blah, .. I try and look at if what he is saying to me is a hurt or manipulation. There is a difference I don't need to dismiss a hurt for anyone. If it's a hurt, I don't need to one up it. I don't need to argue with it, it's really not important for me to be right. Shocker here he's not the only one who is unable to give emotionally. I'm guilty of being so caught up in my own pain that I negate what he is going through in that moment. After going to a few open AA meetings it has really hit me hard how much pain he has to be in to be in that kind of denial that nothing is wrong. I only know how bad I hurt before I came to alanon. My AH is still actively hurting and right in this moment he doesn't have the bottle to numb it. That has to be scary for him.
I will say unless it's a blatant lie AND it's hurting someone else, correcting someone in front of others is an extremely passive aggressive thing to do. It will absolutely lead to hurt feelings and believe it or not resentments towards the person doing the correcting. I mean no offense when I say it .. I'm making an observation to your story .. which again .. thank you so much for because you really got me thinking about a lot of different stuff. I needed that this week. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Odalis I'm sending you hugs. The part of your share where you asked whether being irrational is part of the disease and lacking empathy and being unable to see anything from anyone's perspective but his own so resonated with me. That is my H. Narcissistic. All about him. I've said in prior posts that if we talk to each other it's him talking and me listening. If we have sex it's because he needs it. Life is on his terms. I'm for listening to him but never the other way around. It's lonely. I've driven myself bonkers trying to get from what any spouse needs, i.e. intimacy. It will not and cannot happen with the man I'm married to because he's an addict and a narcissist. He has no desire to change in any way. When we tried couples therapy he manipulated the therapist.
So every day I surrender to my powerlessness over his narcissism and addiction. I heard somewhere that you shouldn't make any major decisions until you have one year of recovery so I work on recovery ODAT and try not to think about how lonely this "marriage" is. My therapist told us that I would grow and leave him in the dust. That's happened but I've been in recovery only about five weeks so I'm staying in this house and working on myself. When I get low I come here and read and write. It's keeping me stable and helping me recover. Love to you. Take care of yourself.
To clarify he met with my therapist and me one time. That's when the therapist told him that I would get better and leave him in the dust. He also told him that his opinion of him was that he was an untreatable addict. So far, sadly, he's been correct. It took me a while after therapy ended to start really getting it. I'm still getting it.
In one of your replies you asked about getting a sponsor. Well there is a pamphlet on "Sponsorship, What Its All About" I believe the number of it is P17. I think you may find handy and perhaps answer a few questions for you.
For me, how I picked a sponsor is when I attended meetings, I listened to how a person shared each and every time. The woman I asked to be my sponsor it was so evident to me that she worked a good program based on what she shared in the meetings. She attended meetings regularly each week and was always so peaceful, serene, and had joy in her life. How she got there from having an AH husband and daughters really baffled me. I wanted what she had so I had to ask her to be my sponsor. That is how it works.
For me decisions in my life became so much clearer when I began my journey in the steps with the help of a loving sponsor. I still have the same one after all these years and am thankful for her each and every day.
I am still stuck in my old ways, I know its a process, but this emotional roller coaster is sometimes just too much!!