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I know none of you are mind readers, but any ESH would be appreciated!!!
Long story short, I've had enough w/my beloved RA, he didn't seem to pay attention to his self care or to my basic needs, things which I told him had to change. I made extensive plans to get out and kick him out in one week. Needless to say this has been very stressful.
Last night, for the first time in forever, he gets home on time, and takes me out to dinner. Trust me this never happens. He tells me he's at the top of the hill for his work insanity, and left a note for me this morning saying how he wants to get off this inbalanced life, he's almost there, just needs to do a couple more things, etc...and in a very short while we will be [ insert activities and pleasant stuff here ]
This is so confusing to me. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if he is telepathic or if he is telling the truth. The thought of booting him out is so horrible and heartbreaking, it could wreck him. I'm wondering this is a ploy to keep me around to help him. Or, if I'm making a huge mistake. I don't know if I'm a cruel woman or a sucker. I don't know if this is the truth or if this is smoke and mirrors.
To be honest it would be easier if he just kept acting like a jerk! I'm so tired of the roller coaster.
Any insight or opinions would be fantastic. Thank you so much!
Hmm, I went through this a few months ago with my AH. He knew I was at the end of my rope and started making changes. Small stuff; like helping around the house more and communicating with me about his feelings and being more open. He all of a sudden was more loving and talking about vacations, etc. I still haven't figured out how long this will last as a good portion of it started when he started taking anti-depressants. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, for now I'm just waiting it out. I don't think you're cruel and I don't think you're a sucker, either. Life is just a plain old roller coaster with a few hairpin curves and upside down twists thrown in. Doesn't matter whether you're dealing with someone with addiction or not, life is NOT easy. I've said exactly what you've said "it would be easier if he just kept acting like a jerk". Unfortunately, he's not right now (except for his lying about booze and some minor passive aggressive behavior) and it's really throwing me off. I guess I just find it easier to dislike him right now and I'm afraid to open my heart again because I don't want to get hurt AGAIN. Totally understand~
Hi Rara Avis. I can sympathze with you, cause I also was the one with the house and paid all the bills, etc. There were a couple things you said I was wondering about if it is ok?
"things which I told him had to change." These changes you asked him to make? Were they boundries for you that you laid out? Boundries that you had no motives for - such as things you require for your sanity, safety or to make yourself better and peaceful?
"The thought of booting him out is so horrible and heartbreaking, it could wreck him." And I was wondering why you would think it would wreck him? The reason I ask, is cause this sounds alot like "taking care" or "helping" him out. He is grown right? He doesn't pay for alot either right? Mine didn't either.....cause I let him....
My point is....put the focus back on you and if you are going to set and state out of your mouth a boundriy...make sure you will back it up. If you are not ready for him to leave, then don't threaten. You will know in your heart if that is truly what your ready for. And you said he is being nice now? Does he know of your kicking him out plans? And if you do decide to say nicely I think we should live apart while we work on ourselves, can he not still be nice to you while you both improve on yourselfves....what are you scared of if anything??? I'm saying, you shouldn't make your decisions on HIM. Make your decisions based on what is best for YOU. Learn detachment with love. But be sure of your boundries and motives.
Hi, I agree, they have radar! They read our actions so well. Make your boundaries for you. You don't even have to tell him what they are. Live one day at a time. If today is good, then enjoy it. The other shoe will drop when it is ready to drop. Trust in your HP that you will know what you are supposed to know when it is time to know. Put the focus on you.
I can certainly understand how you feel it would be easier for him to continue his insensitive ways and then you'd feel justified about telling him to leave. Been there. Done that, too. But now I know that I didn't have to justify my actions. My job is to be true to me. When I do so, everyone around me benefits, even the not-so-nice people who crosses my path.
Truly, if having him move out is what is best for you at this time, I wouldn't label you a "cruel woman." I have learned that it's best to do what is right for me; oh, that used to sound soooooo selfish to me. But now I see it as the only sane thing to do!
If you find that living with him is not right for you, then how can it be right for him? (Not suggesting booting him out - just encouraging you to do what is right for you and not concern yourself with labels.)
My RA, during his active days, never had a good "radar." I don't think he came with one.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
do you go to face to face meetings? before meetings most of us are so confused we can't think straight .. me ?? completely enmeshed with my alcoholic to the point of this saying, "when my husband and i got married, we became one, We became Him." My partner and i are not married but we spent 24/7 together for so long it felt like we were ..
what we say in meetings is to try 6 months of meetings before making a critical decision because we aren't able to see how we ourselves contribute to the problem which, believe it or not, we do .. if after 6 months we still want to leave, at least we are leaving with a clearer thinking mind .. for me, i wasn't going to make decisions until after the 4th step .. just incase i saw something later that would have made me regret the decisions i would have made sooner ..
it's never easy to live with an alcoholic .. mine is horrible at times but it is truly possible to be content and even happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not .. (if not everyday at least the majority of the time.) for me, it's a process .. not an event .. real change takes time but i'm a work in progress .. it isn't always happiness all the time but most of my decisions in life were made in times of anger, resentment, chaos .. it's good to allow ourselves time for healing before making life changing choices ..
keep coming keep sharing .. so incredibly grateful to god (my hp) for guiding me to my meetings and online supports ..
Thanks, everyone. Yes I said, and wrote down, that the relationship couldn't continue as it was, and a) b) and c) had to happen. Also had a mini intervention w/his best friend. I absolutely was not kidding. Well, he said all the right things, but rolled through my needs, so I prepped to leave and kick him out. Then in the 12th hour he seemed to come around, one meeting and kept a promise regarding dinner plans, more talking etc.... But in addition he has told me to read the A.A " For the Wives " section and that he is sick. My take on that is he wants more caretaking. [ No I have not fallen for that! ]
So, I don't know if this is a 'better late than never' situation, or, if this is a stall! I realize that everyone is different. I want to be fair to him and especially fair to me!
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Rara - my ex-ah always does an inventory of my refridgerator, proving, in his mind anyway, that since there is beer in there, that we both have the same drinking problem. He throws AA things at me that show me he doesn't even know what he is talking about. When I read/hear about them (A's) telling their wives to read the "for the wives" section of the AA book, well, it is like those guys who say its ok to beat their children because Jesus said to "spare the rod, spoil the child"; and, their favorite - The bible says for wives to submit to their husbands! um, it also tells husbands to make sure their wives feel loved but the men who like the former don't want to acknowledge the latter. My A claims to have a copy of the big book of AA but I don't believe it because he hasn't ever mentioned what the book says wives should do!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
To the wives DOES NOT advocate putting up with more active alcoholic BS. It may recommend patience and treating him cordially while working on separate issues, but it probably leans along the side of being very firm with boundaries and not putting up with insincerity and lack of action. He wants you to read "to the wives." Go ahead. He might regret that he asked you to lol. The big book is not about alcoholics being "sick" as much as it is about action and living in the solution. If he thinks it's about being sick and garnering pity...he will soon learn differently.
I have read the AA big book, I have read the beginning, the to the wives chapter and many of the stories in the back. I have gone to open AA meetings as well. I have gone to open NA meetings too. The biggest thing that I do though is my Alanon meetings. I even went to an ACOA meeting this week with my alanon sponsor. The thing is, when we concentrate on ourselves, make boundaries that work to protect us, and begin to work the steps with a sponsor our lives can become manageable. When I make a rash decision it is usually out of anger and in an angry moment. I have found myself throwing things at my A (like his clothes) the next morning after he drank, getting all hyped up and mad and swiping a drink out of his hands and pouring it out only to make a drunk person more unstable. I have counted the amount of drinks or drugs in him, I have pushed to get him to stop. I have lectured him, pointed out his faults, guilt tripped, manipulated, yelled, gave the silent treatment, threatened to leave him, threatened to kick him out... guess what? None of it worked. Would I treat a good friend this way? No.. Would I want to be treated this way? No....
It was suggested to me that when I work the steps on my relationship, I will be better able to make a coherant decision on what to do. And in this work, I am slowly seeing that I am not ready to kick him out or to leave because I love this man. He is a good man. I am learning how to live in the moment. Just for today, I choose to stay. One day at a time I can be in this relationship. I choose to stay for many reasons and this is a 24 hour program. When I worry about tomorrow, I am projecting onto the future and not living in the now. Now is all we have. Take care of you :) Read the AA big book, it really helped me see... and then keep coming to alanon, it can only help you get better.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks everyone. What would help ME is are books called, " For the Husbands", and a book called, " The Care and Feeding of Your Wife", to kindly suggest to my RA. That would even the playing field, don't you think? ;)
fyi last night he didn't come home at all. Up at night at work [ he's got adhd, but still ] Meanwhile I got a zillion text messages saying he's doing better, let's do something of my choice this weekend, etc..fill in the blank w/good stuff here. talk about mixed messages. I don't know what to believe. Well, fool me twice I'm going to go about my day and if he shows up, great, if not, well, no loss either!
