The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I am having a really hard time again.
I have always been able to speak with my MIL about any difficulties I have with my AH or myself. Lately, I don't feel I can. I guess that means I'm feeling alone. I'm doing as many al-anon related things as I can, and trying to practice. I just feel hopeless.
My AH is good at making things look good in front of other people - and then behind the scenes I get the negativity. I think maybe he is feeling better in some senses, at least partly because he says so. But, then, we get into a counseling session together, or he's alone with me and I get some part of his nasty attitude, words, looks, etc. The healthier he "appears" to his mom, the more she's going to push the issue that I'm just not being patient enough with him, or that it's my ACOA issues. She just wants me to stay.
Even just being with my daughter and enjoying this makes me feel hopeless - who knows how they would paint that picture if I tried to leave?
Having these thoughts alone, and feeling hopeless, makes me think I'm just depressed and having the typical issues my husband has insisted that spouses have when an A gets treatment (though I don't see him going to any AA meetings anymore). Though he often treats me like an A treats his spouse when he hasn't gotten help.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Are you still going to your own individual counseling? Meetings? Are you reading any alanon lit? I only ask because the meetings and the lit being applied, are what helps me by hearing what others have gone through it just gives me hope because I see others getting better as well as myself. The daily readers are a must for me when things seem bleak.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
K-Lotus - I can so understand and empathize with your feels of hopelessness. My AH also projects the perfect, easy going person in front of his parents and our children. I know now that the kids see the truth of his faults, AND MINE , but his parents will not see it and I don't chose to pursue telling them about it. I know that blood is thicker than water and that they are not a source of comfort or support to me. It's hard because my father is dead and my mother has alzheimer's so I have no parental figures to talk to. I too feel hopeless. I am going to post in a new thread the issues I am dealing with today. Pushka has good advice. Keep reading, going to F2F Meetings and listen to others. It can give you hope. Just hearing your story has given me a little comfort knowing that this is another typical behavior of people with alcoholism.
- who knows how they would paint that picture if I tried to leave? the more she's going to push the issue that I'm just not being patient enough with him, ----------------------------------------------
Hi, These were the red flag phrases that I saw in your post. Who cares how they "would paint the picture"? Is that more important to you than your happiness? As far as being patient?..... I think you are a very patient person. But don't take on the guilt and shame of the mother who wants you to do for her son what she is unwilling to do for him.
You know, the thing I get most from reading your post is that you don't want to share with your MIL anymore and don't want to feel guilty about pulling away from her. Get rid of the guilt. Live your life. It is your decision about your life with him. Stay or leave, it is up to you and not up to any other family members.
I personally stayed because of the children. I had a time limit of staying until the last child graduated from high school (he did not know of the time limit.... but my HP did!) He got a DUI and got into AA a year before my last daughter graduated. We had been married for 29 yrs. at that point.
Each time I go to a meeting I feel better, and am better able to use the tools I am learning there. I am also going to ACOA meetings now as well and I am so glad and grateful to have tried one out with my alanon Sponsor. Have you asked anyone at the meetings to sponsor you? Or even just called someone from the meetings? When I started to call people, I began to feel so much better. It got easier every time to call and now I can just call no problem. There are days I feel so alone and don't want to make the call, but I know it helps me feel better, so I call. I am living with an active A, and I have to say, the changes in me are sparking changes in him. He is drinking less days during the week and if he does drink, he isn't drinking so much he gets drunk (one day at a time)... Its this work here in my alanon meetings that I fully believe are helping. Taking time for me, listening to the alanon pod casts, going to meetings, reading stuff from alanon and acoa, and coming here all help me feel less alone. You are not alone, HUGS! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
