In need of support (experience, to give me strength and hope asap .. ? - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

In need of support (experience, to give me strength and hope asap .. ?

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

also we have a daughter together who is angry .. her dad was gone and back for some time .. my part ?? didn't have enough steps .. couldn't walk away cuz i'd felt like i'd known him forever .. i did, i knew the behavior .. and much confusion .. so i let him come back and go .. now trying to smooth things out except this trip came at the spur of the moment with family .. trying to set healthier boundaries but let myself get too tired, hungry, angry, lonely, tired i think .. her dad sometimes gets teasy .. drives me nuts .. he provokes and she gets angry .. in the process of trying to smooth things over .. she too has been affected by the isms of alcohol .. the thinking most definitely .. now with the attitude, she gets called on it as others tell her to respect her dad when in my awarenesses i recognise he hasn't earned it nor has he had it in him to teach it .. i truly am confused .. anger brings confusion and i don't want her being unfairly mislabeled by those who don't understand .. please please insight .. i Need you ..

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs MeTwo2,

I don't know if this will help however just straight detaching (for the first part), when I am in a situation where I am dealing with an emotionally invested issue I have to QTIP it (Quit Taking It Personally). It sounds like this behavior you are describing is going to happen if you are there or not. I try and just really stick hard to my side of the street in situations I know are going to push my buttons. If it's a topic of conversation, sometimes "you might be right" and leaving the area will really suffice and end a conversation. I've heard some other good show stoppers that is one that I am going to a LOT recently. With my AH when he is combative, I have said to him you know what you are right and I am addressing that particular issue in my program (if he knows you go to alanon mine does) I'm doing the best I can. Seems to defuse my AH in that moment it's hard to fight with someone who is agreeing with you .. lol. That's totally true across the board.

It's tricky with the kids, I agree while he may not have earned her respect, .. with my own kids I encourage them to use their words with their dad. Not to be disrespectful however to be very clear if he has done something they do not like, such as we had issues with him just going into their rooms and taking money out of their piggy banks. Now both of them have confronted him about this behavior and sent a clear message by literally hiding their money in places he won't look. Well, he was embarrassed and stopped the behavior. That's not to say it won't happen again, he seems to think better of it right this moment. They went to him together and confronted him about it. I tried to stay out of it as much as possible and he was so surprised that they brought it to him in a joint venture. The other thing I have found is I have to watch my own attitude with my AH because, my kids will mirror my attitude. I found that as I changed my own behavior the kids also followed suit. It's not to say that there aren't challenges of course their are, I have to make sure that right or wrong, I'm not ok'ing that kind of behavior by outwardly showing my own frustration. I don't know if that makes sense or not?? My kids are 7 and 12. Both of them will call either of us on the plate when we are not treating each other or just others with basic common kindness. Again every family is different. Take what you like, again everyone is different.

The good news is you can do this, it's short term pain for long term gain. Two more days, make the best of them. The negative is easy to spot. It's only two days and I know you can do it!! :)

Hugs P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha MeToo...situations like that for me were also tough and I had to rely on many of the teachings I was learning in program from sponsor and others. My sponsor taught me that I had to separate myself from all things alcohol...mind, body, spirit and emotions and I was able to practice that...When I was around the drama and game playing I learned how to change my script and stay on the new one regardless of their reactions. They wanted me on my old script and I would do something different. I also could give myself permission to graciously leave the stage at anytime and return when I was good for it and myself. I learned a fish hook metaphor. I wasn't perfect and there were times when I would allow them or someone else to sink the hook in me and as long as I didn't let it get past that barb which won't let the hook come away without more pain and damage I was okay. Not the greatest of metaphors however I do fish and understood. I don't get into a contest about my serenity and peace of mind...it isn't up for grabs and no one can have it without my permission and participation without anger, or resentment or disrespect I can move other places at will what ever the reason.

The alcoholic still carries resentments and anger and manipulation when they are not working a program and into that most important of relationships...the one with a power greater than themselves; that deserves compassion without patronization or enabling. Smile...give a gentle touch and move on to someone else taking your HP with you.

We're here for you...((((hugs)))) smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Its something I am learning to do, setting boundaries for myself to protect me from other's stuff. Somethings I do are: I don't react. Its better if I don't. Don't react is a favorite slogan of mine. Also Remain Calm. When I breathe deeply, count my breath and let it out slow, I can stay calm. When I quit taking it personally (as pushka said), things don't bother me so much. People say stuff and they may or may not mean it, but I don't have to take it to heart. I can walk away from a conversation, I can say "Well you may be right" and walk away. I can say "oh" and stop an argument. Its amazing how it works. Its hard, I am not saying its easy, because diverting from the way I was is a whole change in my brain, and actually causes new formations and links in my brain. Those old pathways are easier to follow, but the new ones feel so much better. I have to let go and Let God (my HP) take over. I can't force my will anymore...
HUGS! Take care of you :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this share and today was told by my exAH how great his mother is and how much she helps out. She watches our 3 year old 1 day a week and it is 1 of the 2 days he is supposed to be spending time with her. I said nothing. She locked her in the car a few days ago and had to get help to get her out, I said nothing and just don't let her watch her on my 5 days a week. She was by the way stopping to get my 3 year old a chocolate ice cream on their way to Church and I had dressed her in a very nice dress, but again I said nothing and let it go. My exAH thinks he is dad of the year and well I see through to the truth and realize how important it is to everyone that all looks great and no one speaks out about the crazy dysfunctions going on behind the scenes. There is so much minupulations, control and just not right behaviors that I will no longer take part in it. I have learned major dettachment with love. My 13 year old has Al-ateen books and has had counseling. She has a great head on her shoulders and has talked to me about things I wish she hadn't noticed, but I am glad she is aware of it. Keep working a strong recovery program for you and keep up the good work!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks breaking .. and all who replied .. I'm still here and was able to make the choice to stay home today and rest but it's one day and one moment right now at a time .. we all know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop in an alcoholic environment because .. it usually does at some point .. this morning .. there was a blow out fight over coffee creamer .. i woke up .. made coffee and drank the last bit of creamer which belonged to one of the primary alcoholic thinkers in the home .. well that and a combination of being young, etc.. but affected just the same .. well having done a 4th through 9th in the steps .. i do know my part was knowing it was his and drinking it .. i will definitely replace it and then some .. but setting aside the creamer itself and focusing on the situation only .. it exploded to the degree of all of the A's yelling and screaming literally and me going in to the A when he had left the room .. I apologised we smoothed it over .. and .. then of course my own A walked in the room and started it up all over .. Through all of this God was good .. My daughter's hair appointment was around the same time .. she didn't witness much .. I was calm the entire time .. I was reasonable .. but it was unbelievable .. i had the serenity to say you're scaring my daughter .. there's a new born in the home, etc.. crazy .. I somehow feel responsible to a degree now that's it over but i have enough in me to know there was no way i could be responsible for everyone's reactions .. those were a choice .. for them ..

the police showed up later, however, and my alcoholic partner and i have been together during this time but you would never know it walking in .. He hasn't really known i am alive in days now .. all in all i have had the security and cofidence to hold my own but when it comes to the a i am watching reality and it's not easy .. at one point he spoke of why he does everything his mother says .. his own words ?? "do you know why i put up with the string that's hanging me ? because i have done so much in my life to hurt them .. but now here's the question .. does that include me ?? when we first met .. his parents wanted us to be together .. they continued to until i began to find a voice .. there was only one authority figure in the room before me and that was mom .. so here we are .. i am having to look at the fact that he is more than likely with me too to please mom .. dunno .. that and to make her happy by having his daughter around ..

i literally feel invisible with him and i'm angry .. what's worse ?? he couldn't care less ..

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, it's so not you it's them and that's the only thing I can say that has helped me. To know that whatever is going on with my AH and his family it's them and their dysfunction. I know it doesn't make it easy when something that is really not that big of a deal gets totally blown out of proportion. Big hug again from me to you, sending you lots of love and support. P :)

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks pushka .. to correct myself .. i'm not the new authority figure alongside mom .. there's only one .. a loving god as we understand him .. rather as he understands us but it's a good thing we're leaving sunday .. the only thing is the family is going crabbing tomorrow and because of everything that's happened, i would like to stay home .. this will start a crisis but my main a also begins a crisis anytime i'm in the families presence.. awareness ?? what n the heck am i bustin my butt to get along with everyone for if he is just going to separate us .. just doesn't make sense .. but my serenity comes more when i think of staying home than going .. so question remains .. big family picnic planned .. do i become honest with the family or let it go .. i know there's let go and let god .. but there's also my dignity in that we teach others how to treat us .. again i'm confused on what i'm thinking and feeling and have only one night to decide ..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.