The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok .. I have no idea why a little cell phone or any regular phone becomes the size of an elephant and just as heavy when I have to ask for help on anything. Doesn't matter what it is, something simple to something difficult the idea of rejection just sizzles me to the core and I become very afraid.
I hit a major milestone today. It has been a stressful week. The date of my blessing (emotionally)/curse(financially) is coming the infamous DUI date .. it will be a year to the day this weekend that my AH got his DUI. I've been a little jumpy and couldn't figure out why until I looked at the date. Funny how the body will remind the mind of these kinds of anniversaries for lack of a better term.
This week, I've actually been sick I don't know cold or allergies it doesn't matter. I swear I have sneezed more in 2 days than I have in my whole life, to the point my chest cavity hurts as if I have the worst cough ever. I'm a routine person .. take away and I have issues .. lol .. do anything just please leave me to my routine .. lol .. totally blown out of the water. We have a huge farm thing going on thankfully that is over for another 2 years woot woot. It takes over the town. I couldn't take the kids to school the way I usually do and the first day it took me 45 min to go 3 miles home .. it was a nightmare, however I had fun with it. I will have to post my movie of my ride home .. LOL!
Well, yesterday my ability to take the kids the "back way" was removed and I was forced to get on the highway. I hadn't expected that and I had been able to go against traffic going the other way, however this way was going to force me to go with the traffic .. YIKES .. thankfully, I had left early enough AND I knew if I got to a certain point I could just dump the kids out and they could walk to school. I say dump, there is a running bad joke I don't stop the van for my kids to get out, of course totally not true it's just a funny joke inside joke between a girlfriend and myself. Well, it all worked out woo hoo. God is good.
So today the last day I figured out the route and I just went straight to the interstate well son of a gun I press down on my gas and the van starts acting up .. LOL? REALLY? K, God .. I get it .. your funny .. I'll laugh later just please see us through to the school and at least I will be back in town vs outside of it. LOL .. well son of a gun, I make it home, ... stare at the ever loving truck and I'm angry. Here sits a vehicle that of course I can't drive because it's a dang death trap. The driver door doesn't open with a LOT of force, the seat won't move up (it's a bench seat) because of where it is stuck you have to be 6'5 which my AH is to drive the dang thing. I'm 5'4 and I can't see over the dash and it's a manual (which I rock at driving, that's not the problem I have to reach the peddles). So second vehicle, and I can't drive the dang thing to pick our kids up from school because I am without a van until tomorrow at least. Starting it is a 15 min affair. It's just beyond ridiculous and once again this is the object I have fantasies about burning to the ground. It's still here so I'm healing.
It dawns on me OMG .. I have to get my children from school?? I'm going to miss a meeting tonight!!! STOP!! How about I use some muscles (my brain, hand and eye coordination) and pick up the phone and call someone? Hmmm .. that's kind of scary. I'm taking an emotional risk .. UGH. So not safe, so not what I like to do. Safe is good, emotional risk not so much. So what do you know, I called a friend from the school and she picked the kids up. THANK YOU GOD YOU ARE SOOOO GOOD!!! She's even going to give them a ride tomorrow in the AM! Beyond awesome! I had called a lady who was going to the meeting tonight and left a message that I was having van issues and I wasn't sure if I could make it. Out of the blue another lady from my Tuesday night meeting called and what do you know she offered me a ride!!! YES .. GOD IS GOOD!!! All three of us wound up riding together and I was soooo grateful for the company as well as the fact I sat in the backseat thinking this is soooo cool.
Everything has worked out for the kids, for me, and ironically the one person I didn't worry about getting a ride!! My AH .. lol .. I was not preoccupied with trying to find him a ride to and from work!! I just let him know, hey you gotta get a ride home tonight and you need to make sure you have a ride tomorrow because I have no van. Which brought the conversation around the truck and how I don't care if he has a truck, whatever extension of his masculinity (truth be known I used a different "p" word ) he needs is fine it's just we need something practical and that dang truck is by no means practical. That part is about him, I see him as a very masculine man and he has nothing to prove to me in that regard. (He's an amazing dad, he is working on being a better husband, he's dealing with a lot and it's because he's trying I see him as more of a man.) Anyway, the truck it's a death trap, I haven't even gotten into the issue of seat belts and fitting the kids in the cab of the truck. He is free to express the extension of his masculinity anyway he needs to I have no desire to take that, we have to have a second vehicle that can be driven by both of us and this is the exact reason why!! He actually agreed with me even though I know he wasn't happy about it. I'm not trying to "do" anything to him in taking away his truck, buy another dang truck just buy one that is not a death trap. I think he is seeing that maybe that wasn't the best thing. It probably did not help his case that he actually said "we decided" on the truck because there was no "we" in that decision, it was all him. I hear "we decided" and at that point my mouth took over. Let's be clear and have clarity, reality and a little perspective on what really happened with the purchase of that dang truck. He had actually tried to purchase a motorcycle and I just flipped over that .. yes can you imagine? LOL? Where would he would have put the kids? LOL? Oi vey!
Anyway, my point .. oh yes, .. my point, GOD IS GOOD! I am sooo grateful for these little awarenesses that I am open to now. Seeing how yes, not so fun stuff happens and yet, God saw me through to the other side without me having to force everything it all just happened.
It all started because I was able to stop seeing my phone as something the size of an elephant and what do you know it didn't even weigh close to an elephant.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
LOL .. GM .. I'm so glad you enjoy them, it's probably good I'm on the 'puter and not face to face I tend to get very animated .. lol.
I've got more to tell .. lol .. see there's always .. but WAIT THERE"S MORE stance I come from .. lol.
Kids got to school thank you to my friend. Kids will come home from school thank you best girlfriend/noni EVER!! However we are without a vehicle for probably close to two weeks. It's two weeks because there is no way for me to fix and do this any other way bill wise and still eat for the next two weeks. SOOO NOT HAPPY about that, however .. it's going to be what it is to the tune of 900$ .. ugh! It has to be done and I gotta say I'm truly grateful for the fact the dang van gave me issues when it did because God was def looking out for myself and the kids. I'm not good at car speak, basically the suspension was going to give in which case I would have lost steering AND because the corrosion was allowed to build on the battery (I was horrified when I looked under the hood one of those things I thought my AH was taking care of silly me.) I mean the size of a dinner salad corrosion I was REALLY not happy! Of course next purchase before winter NEW battery and I'm hoping it hasn't sucked the life out of the alternator because that is something I don't want to deal with later on. The last and greatest expense is because the 2nd cylinder has been misfiring the car computer has been overworked well .. thank you thank you God (when I say God it's a given to me that this is the God of my understanding so take what you like kind of thing .. lol), well it was going to stop working at some point. I had a "knowing" that I had to get home stay home and no extra errands go straight to the car place. Well .. woot woot, yup guess what car won't start at all today. He had hooked it up yesterday got the readings was going to do a secondary reading to be sure .. I love our mechanic. God did us right bringing him into our lives many many many years ago. He is very good to us. To the tune of 900$ dollars to get the van up and working and I'm sure that's the tip of getting things situated with the van.
Here's my challenge today, I'm really having a hard time with I guess step 3 right now. I am wanting to take over and I'm doing a waltz between the first 3 steps. I know I am powerless over the van/truck situation. I need to give this to God. Then I need to let God show me His plan for this. I'm angry I soooo saw this happening once again last year when AH got the truck. This was one of my many issues with the truck. I'm now stuck at home, in the country not on the pity pot .. lol, with no bottled water (we don't drink well water, well sits right on farmland, nitrates are an issue), no groceries and we are headed in to a 3 day weekend this is BS. Yes, .. lol .. I am not happy and trying not to lash out at my AH over this and the dang truck which is once again still not burned to the ground. *breathe* *peek* yup it's still there and it's still not burned up. I'm also looking at how to transport the kids to and from school for the next two weeks. Honestly, don't care about AH and getting him to work and home, he'll have to work it out himself. Funny (ironic funny not ha ha) how the truck situation has bit him in the butt AGAIN. The other thing he's going to have to figure out is how to get to the office to get his scram read he is soooo lucky, .. he doesn't go in this week cause of the holiday. There will be the Monday of the following week. If he does not show he is considered in contempt of court. He'll have to miss work to get there I"m sure especially if he's taking the bus.
I just have to much other stuff to think about than to worry about him getting to these places as HE doesn't have to worry about how the kids are coming home and so on. How we are going to transport groceries from the store home? I'm also thinking about how I can get to meetings and so on, I'm chairing Tuesdays meeting and I don't want to miss that!! The funniest thing is this has not stopped my eldest from being social .. lol .. she has a sleepover tonight at a friends house and then wants to have a sleepover on Sunday night. Again with the grocery thing .. LOL, have to have food for preteen girls. I'm sure we'll just cookout, still.
WOW .. my perception of what I need to be responsible for has really changed for me. Woo hooo!! It's a relief.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
enjoyed the share as well .. asking for help isn't always easy because for me i was raised with the "you should be self sufficients, to ask for help is a sign of weakness." for me, i came into the program enmeshing myself with even god. my higher power .. having grown up with examples and messages that i should be like him .. basically to the point of i should almost be able to be him .. as if somehow i should be able to go out and fix the world, save others, etc.. lots of confusion .. the more i recognise god doesn't need me to be him, the more i'm able to step back a little .. what really helps me is remembering what my sponsor has shared with me .. i remember when she was sponsoring me .. she'd let me go on forever nearly about what my alcoholic was doing and vent how mad i was .. finally one day she said to me Stop .. you can tell me what the situation is but then .. i want to hear Only how it affects You .. no more judgments .. just plain what's going on with you and how do you feel about it, etc.. she more or less taught me to keep the focus as in clearer thinking on me and not the alcoholic .. lately i struggle with it again but when it comes to my own fears of rejection, i realise it's because i'm sensitive .. finding out why is my work .. being sensitive is an asset but when i overdo it, it becomes a piece of my ego which stands for Edging God Out .. higher power is teaching me if i want to find him on a deeper level, i need to look for him through other people .. i think it's a piece of judging .. and what we judge in others is really actually in us .. when i think others will think i'm weak for example .. it's probably Me who still thinks im weak, etc.. and ofcourse the messages others have carried to me through the years .. i will never unlearn everything i've learned .. i'll always know it but relearning behaviors, etc.. takes time .. sharing on it in meetings is one of the only ways to turn it over .. i'll always have to turn it over and over and over again but through meetings and not in my head ..
it's amazing how it really is only our perception of the situations and not the situations themselves the majority of the time ..
Pushka, thanks for this share! Great positive stuff :) Glad you picked up the phone :) It does work when we work it :) LOL about the truck, darn thing. I just found out about my mini van, the emissions needs to get fixed and I am not sure how much it will be, but I have to get it fixed. I am trusting that it will all work out so that I can get it done with the resources I have... Thanks for this awesome reminder that picking up the phone is a great tool we have to break free from isolation!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Pushka, I think it would be such a kick to have you at my regular Tuesday night meeting. We have your male match. One of our members gives lively shares too. We all look forward to his ESH. Lots of laughter!
Don't ever loose your sense of humor!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I have to give a conclusion to this crazy stuff .. lol. I have to give my AH some major props. He came home today and the truck seat got moved on the truck and what do you know I have a truck to drive. So it all worked out .. lol. He even gave me a lesson about all of the quirks that go with the truck so which he has never done before. Apparently the motivation was there .. lol.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Love to read your sharings also. I noticed too that you add humor to it. I even laugh at some of the humor myself. You really don't sweat the small stuff. You know how to move along and go with the flow. Glad to know things actually worked out at the end. My Sponsor always reminds me that my HP is always at work. I see he is at work 24/7 in our lives. We control the things we can and the rest is left in the HP's hands. That is what I see you doing in your daily walk. Best wishes to you and your Ah with the DUI case. I am learning a bit more about DUI from your experience with your Ah. Have not deal with it to this day. Your sharing gives me hope and inspiration.
I don't know cold or allergies it doesn't matter. I swear I have sneezed more in 2 days than I have in my whole life, to the point my chest cavity hurts as if I have the worst cough ever. I'm a routine person .. take away and I have issues .. lol .. do anything just please leave me to my routine .. lol .. totally blown out of the water. We have a huge farm thing going on thankfully that is over for another 2 years woot woot. It takes over the town. I couldn't take the kids to school the way I usually do and the first day it took me 45 min to go 3 miles home .. it was a nightmare, however I had fun with it. I will have to post my movie of my ride home .. LOL! 
) he needs is fine it's just we need something practical and that dang truck is by no means practical. That part is about him, I see him as a very masculine man and he has nothing to prove to me in that regard. (He's an amazing dad, he is working on being a better husband, he's dealing with a lot and it's because he's trying I see him as more of a man.) Anyway, the truck it's a death trap, I haven't even gotten into the issue of seat belts and fitting the kids in the cab of the truck. He is free to express the extension of his masculinity anyway he needs to I have no desire to take that, we have to have a second vehicle that can be driven by both of us and this is the exact reason why!! He actually agreed with me even though I know he wasn't happy about it. I'm not trying to "do" anything to him in taking away his truck, buy another dang truck just buy one that is not a death trap. I think he is seeing that maybe that wasn't the best thing. It probably did not help his case that he actually said "we decided" on the truck because there was no "we" in that decision, it was all him. I hear "we decided" and at that point my mouth took over. Let's be clear and have clarity, reality and a little perspective on what really happened with the purchase of that dang truck. He had actually tried to purchase a motorcycle and I just flipped over that .. yes can you imagine? LOL? Where would he would have put the kids? LOL? Oi vey! 