The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I think that ocky strap (I found out are called bungy cords?? in America) has sprung back and hit me in the head. I think I have taken it back on. (previous post reference, I was visualising handing his pot drawer over to the universe but it was still attached to an ocky strap cos it kept coming back to me)
I think this is a direct result of me looking at my childhood and young adult issues. My anxiety has gone up.. what can I do what can I do... control.. worry.. martyrdom again... look at those broken promises. We spoke the other night and I knew nothing would change, and I KNEW he woudl smoke the next morning. I guess the reality that I was right made me very sad. he also said that he isn't just having the one int he morning.. its more like three.
I am sad, it feels like I have hot bile sitting in gullet (sorry only way I could describe it) What is that feeling??? Shame, embaressment, anger, sadness, reality????? any thoughts woudl be appreciated.
One thing I have worked out, I use anger and arguing in my head as a defence mechanism. Defending against my own reality I think. Not hte reality of him smoking, I think that is a minor point in my life currently (I honestly really do think its a minor symptom of MY illness). Defending against my past... stay obsessed about the NOW and you don't have to deal with thinking and working on the past issues.
There is no point on leaving this relationship until I have worked on me... I try to work on me and reading up onthe ACoA steps etc and will eventually get to ameeting, I want to, just not yet.... plus I am really really scared. Every time I look at this stuff I think and remember and my anxiety immediately soars. then I am down ... aaauuurrgghh viscious cycle Ithink
Sorry you are struggling with so much right now. It does sound like you are learning a lot, though. I can see the change in your attitude in your posts from when you first started coming. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings. Many of us have shared this same anxiety you have described.
You are right about working on yourself before making any drastic changes. And don't be scared of a meeting. I walked in for the first time and I was flushed and literally sick to my stomach the entire time. I was terrified, angry, confused, hurt and anxious. And those people in that room understood exactly how I felt. It was a lightbulb. "Wow, I really don't have to do this alone. There ARE other people in the world who feel this way."
Keep coming, keep working the program, keep posting. Sometimes all we need is to vent and let someone else know what we're feeling.
Thanks Nov. I have been doing thinking (as I do) since I posted that earlier this morning. You know it was own silly fault that I am where I am now.... when I met my now husband he was a massive heavy heavy pot smoker. It made no difference to me as he was just a friend and someone who lived 1500km away (sorry don't know miles but a couple of days drive away), I met him while I was in his city with work.
He talked about giving up the pot one day, he called himself an addict. I didn't really think much of it. What attracted me tothis man was his openness, his honesty, his abiltiy to stand by his word. We corresponded and talked nearly every day on the phone, I thought wow.. finally I have met someone with the same definition of honesty and truth as me. I was becoming smitten that I had finally found my soul mate. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere with him smoking that much pot and I told him so.
Then he moved to my city and he quit the pot on the drive up. He detoxed himself. Because I was at a place that I thought I finally found someone I could trust and believe, I trusted and believed him that he had quit. I got a shock when he, after a few weeks here, bought some pot. (We were still only 'good' friends at this stage). He said it was just a little bit. I again sat back and watched what would happen with this. He was right. He stuck by his word. He bought a little bit, smoked it, and didn't buy any more. Wow.. he stuck by his word... my thoughts of him were reinforced.. he did what he said he was going to do.
And that is all I looked at.... he did as he said he would do... I didn't see .. wow.. he just bought and smoked pot after saying he was going to give up. I didn't even see that. To give credit, he had always said he would still occassionally smoke pot recreationally. I was skeptical but thought I would keep an open mind!!!!!!!
AFter about 3 months we moved in together. No pot in our house.. he just didn't... he said he wasn't intersted.. awwwww.. aint that wonderful... I believed him again. Then he came home stoned one day.. I was scared and upset. He said it was just like having a beer after work but the guy had some pot. don't worry babe, it won't happen often... he was right.. it didn't. In fact, it was only every few months. He did as he said he would, he stuck by his word, I was reinforced again.
The one day he got some for free from a friend. ONly a very small bit. Suddenly, it was in our house. I was worried. He reassured me and all that. Ok Ok, he has never lied to me before.. why would he start now.. ok... I calmed down. He was right again... he had that bit and it wasn't in our house again for a very long time.
This is how it was for 3 1/2 years. Every few months, he would be given some. I never knew him to buy any of it. If he went fishing with the boys, he would smoke. If we went to a mates place that smoked, he smoked. He even went 9 months of total abstinence and he was happy about that, he said he felt better, could remember more things, was happy and could see the massive changes in his life. He didn't want it back in his life.
He said he would never go back to regular smoking...... I believed him..... He had never lied.... I just fell for it hook line and sinker.
NOw I am where I am .. he is back regularly smoking and it has been in our house since our wedding and we are coming up for our first wedding anniversary. He is in total denial and he has lied that many times its not funny. Only ever lied about the pot .. never anything else.
I htink I am most unhappythat I feel like my first wedding anniversary is a celebration of his total full blown relapse (as opposed to lapses). I think that is hitting me at the moment becasue our anniversary is this month and I just want to cry bout it, not feeling happy about it.
Wow that was a long post for a quick thought wasn't it.
It's ok to feel your feelings, don't fight it, just feel and allow them to float through you instead of internalizing. (that's what I do, not saying it's a cure all it's an option) I'm discovering as I heal I can visualize some of my "past garbage" as moving past. Seeing it and saying ok .. I got you, that's "fill in the blank emotion" I make it a cloud and send it high into the sky. I have just found even as early as the past 3 weeks I'm soooo much more calm and relaxed about many things. Usually anxiety for me are past emotions that I really can't name and therefore can't own. If I can name them and own them, my anxiety lessons. Maybe I felt helpless as a child and I'm taking that with me into a new situation. I will become anxiety ridden and then of course I talk, like diarrhea of the mouth talk. Literally, I'm having conversations with myself .. ookkk .. please stop talking .. any day now .. lol .. like now!! I'm horrified as I keep going. LOL! Kind of like typing at least I can go back and delete before I send .. LOL.
I am powerless over people, places, things AND the past (I added that one for me). I can rework the past in my head however the reality is always going to be the same. The only thing I can do different is take what I learned no matter how painful and make it positive for myself. It's easy to choose the negative and go there, I can in a heart beat. Finding the positive for me is so much better, that's where I am really able to put step 1 into work for myself.
I also agree no matter what you are going to take you with you. Keep working hard on you and the rest is going to fall into place. Can you do any individual counseling?? That would help to have that guiding hand. Healing through just the boards can be done it's a long road and we all need to physically hear that we're on the right track those words mean everything during those well maybe moments. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks pushka I have tried counselling before, I know it sounds like an excuse, but I live in a small place with not toooo many resources in this field, and also remember.. I work in this field so I have a working relationship wiht most of the counsellors (I know its ironic)
I can understand your despair at nearing your first wedding anniversary and facing the reality of your husband being unable to resist his drug.
Whatever drug it is the facts still stand; When someone has a problem with a drug be it alcohol or something else and it effects a relationship it is devastating. After a few years of marriage I found it helpful to write down in a diary the disappointment I had in my husband's drinking and to try to analyse it....work it out.
Whether, as it was in the early years only irregularly or as time went on more often.
This helped because it eventually stopped me, when he was sorry and sober, from moving into fantasy that things would improve. This took a long time because like you I was isolated, on sheep stations or close to small communities.
I now live in Sth Australia in a country area. You are many km from larger towns where you might get a friendly ear.
By the way counsellors and social workers all have problems just like the rest of us....but we try to keep our private lives private don't we, especially in small communities.
Often it seems too hard but practise in the steps and slogans....just for today, does help to keep one sane.
