Trust or stupidity? - Al-Anon Family Group

littlemotel · Member

Trust or stupidity?

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I sent a reply but maybe it was removed? It isnt' showing up?

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi littlemotel,

It's a tough place to be and I think you'll find a lot of understanding people here who have walked in those shoes! It is very, very difficult for some people to stop drinking and many, many will stop and start over and over again. I don't know what your husband might do or what is right for you. He may quit, he may not, he may relapse and quit again. I'd just encourage you to keep doing what you can to take care of you and to consider really working through the Alanon process. Attending meetings, reading the books, working the steps can work those miracles in progress to restore your peace of mind.

We're here with you!

~ Doozy

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Littlemotel

I understand and have been exactly where you stand I believed that trusting my husband was part of the marriage deal. If he had taken actions that destroyed that trust, my sponsor explained---:That the trust now must be earned Actions not words were the key I am sure he as did my husband wants to stop drinking.

Stopping drinking is not a magic formula . It takes hard work and continually action to stop Just as following alanon takes dedication and continued effort.

Be gentle with yourself ,have compassion on your husband's struggle and focus on yourself. Live one day a a Time, Do not project,, take care of you, make gratitude and assets lists and before you know it- what he is going to do is unimportant.

Keep on sharing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, I would NEVER trust an A. They are very sick people,many with brain damage. They may honestly believe they can stick with what they say, but they have a disease and cannot.

Myself I don't believe it is fair to set people up with trust. for me if they show up,do what they say, great, if not, it is their choice.

It is up to me to decide if I can accept that or move on, or get mad whatever. for me I am just glad if they do what they said. If not,oh well, I will miss they did not make it. etc. But still love them.

I am like this with everyone and everything. I have found life to be too unpredictable to trust anything to turn out like I may want it do. easier for me to take things as they come. One day at a time and not worrying.

My faith is in HP totally. NO matter what I KNOW things will be ok. May be hard and horrible for awhile, but things always change,always come back to serence and ok.

hugs! debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Huge LM :)

Trust takes a LONG time to build back up and if you are living with an active A it's even more challenging. I focus on what I see with my eyes not what my A tells me. I know my own truth and that's basically where I sit. At the same time I don't ask questions I already know the answers to, I focus on my side of the street and I continue to go to meetings so I can be in a healthier frame of mind. It does get better and you are not alone. :)

Hugs P :)

DreamXL · Senior Member

Boy it took me a long time to learn that people are not trustworthy just because I want them to be, or think they should be,, or hope that they are and on and on. I dont think trust is about being stupid or not, I think it is about knowing who you can trust with what. You can trust some people with some things and not others. I dont think trusting an alcholic to stop drinking just because they say they are going to is really reasonable. That may have more to do with hope than trust. Thanks for your post and blessings :)

-- Edited by DreamXL on Thursday 1st of September 2011 07:09:40 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would let trust build slowly and naturally by watching what he does....Like going to meetings and participating in AA. It will drive you mad to just pay attention to if he is drinking alcohol or not (which an alcoholic will lie about and hide).

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Progress for me began when I started focusing on myself what I wanted, liked, needed in the form of practicing self care. In my experience the alcoholic is going to drink or not, so what am I going to do? That philosophy was found in the face to face rooms of alanon which is also echoed on this board helped me see that I was living my life, not today, but always in the future, if XYZ happened, than we'd be o.k.

So progress for me began by finding areas in my life that I could be fully present and aware. That took shape in form of attending face to face Alanon meetings and listening. Being open and willing to hear new ideas and listen to the similarities not the differences. Alanon for me is a program of small actions. If I do what I have always done, I get what I have always got. That required me to do something different such as getting a sponsor and begin working the steps so that I could change and get a new perspective.

Thanks for sharing today, keep coming back.

T

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there littlemotel, I shadow everyone in saying an A can say a lot of things, but watch what they do. And for the most part take care of yourself and your needs. They will do whatever they do and if you can dettach and make it to meetings and a sponsor you will form healthier habits over time and obsess less about what your A says or does. It took me finding Al-anon meetings and a sponsor and at first I thought I would go stir crazy when given any free time. I now love to have relax time alone to read, walk the dog or watch a movie. Sending you love and support on your journey!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Littlemotel,

A lot of interactions with active alcoholics are like watching a movie where the sound doesn't go with the picture. The sound says one thing and the picture is something completely different. My sponsor says in situations like that to turn off the sound and just watch the picture. You believe what your eyes see, not what your ears hear. In doing so, you don't have constant confusion about what to believe, and you don't have to try to reconcile the words against the actions. Active alcoholics are not capable of following through with promises not to drink. When we believe them and then it turns out they can't follow through, we take it personally and feel we've been lied to over and over and over. Really, it's not personal. They would tell the same lie to anyone, not just to us. In my opinion, they don't say the words intending to lie - but they just aren't capable of the follow through because they are sick. We can't make what comes out of their mouths be truthful. We can, however, decide that we don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment and resentment anymore. As part of this, I have learned not to ask questions like "are you/were you drinking?" or "are you going to stay sober?" etc. And when I don't know whether to believe something, I just sit back and watch the picture instead of listening to the words.

Keep coming back,

Summer

lasthope · Veteran Member

Love that! Watch movie with sound off. Or don't watch it at all.
Make your own movie.

My experience has taught me never to trust an addict,
even when they're not using. They're always ill, always impaired,
always brain damaged, and never capable of being trustworthy.

Living with addiction is living with insanity. Insane people don't live
by normal rules. Trying to turn insanity into
sanity for most of my adult life made me more insane as each year
went by.

This program is bringing me back to
normal. It's not how I had imagined life would be but it is what
it is. Acceptance of powerlessness over what is has helped me.
Working this program is helping me find sanity.

Hugs LM and thank you for sharing.

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